I haven't blogged for the longest time. I have come so far though lol, that sounds so shitty!!
But what i've been trying to make myself do over the last few years seems to be slowly coming to the surface and making some sense to me.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Days 1 - 5 : tick
So no more wallowing and self pity. Hard facts are I am fat.. I need to lose weight. Coping or not coping with the emotional side of it is becoming quite torturous so stuff that and on with the plan of losing the weight.
Back on my Lighter Life plan, it's the end of day five and I am feeling so much better. Mentally too. It is amazing how much food intake affects your mood, well mine anyway.
I cannot get my head around how my state of mind can fluctuate so much, it is very frightening. After a long, long period of self loathing and looking inwards and looking for all sorts of reasons for the blockage of my putting into action my desire to lose weight, I am on plan.
I have not weighed myself, nor do I have the desire. I will know when I have reached my goal and I would rather go by the look of my body/clothes than rely on a weighing scale.
They say the first fat to go is the fat around your organs. I can actually feel that. I also feel less puffy and lethargic.
5 days in, going well.
Back on my Lighter Life plan, it's the end of day five and I am feeling so much better. Mentally too. It is amazing how much food intake affects your mood, well mine anyway.
I cannot get my head around how my state of mind can fluctuate so much, it is very frightening. After a long, long period of self loathing and looking inwards and looking for all sorts of reasons for the blockage of my putting into action my desire to lose weight, I am on plan.
I have not weighed myself, nor do I have the desire. I will know when I have reached my goal and I would rather go by the look of my body/clothes than rely on a weighing scale.
They say the first fat to go is the fat around your organs. I can actually feel that. I also feel less puffy and lethargic.
5 days in, going well.
Friday, 5 November 2010
I am starting to realise that the only person who doesn't like me, is me... But that is slowly changing as I realise that actually I am quite a nice person. This is helping me cope with my size and thoughts about myself and perhaps will help my weight loss.
For a long time I have thought of my fat as protection. It allows me to feel protected and distanced from 'normal' people.
I had always thought people were just almoost humouring me by speaking to me or anything. But looking at things, perhaps a little more sanely, I can see that is wrong/crooked thinking.
I am married to a man who loves me for me. I have the unconditional love of my daughter. A family that loves me. Friends and colleagues that I am now starting to appreciate are being genuine when they want to spend time with me, etc.
Evidence against will always be my dad and brother. But I guess that is something I will always have to live with and try my best to come to terms with.
All in all though I am starting to like myself and let myself enjoy company and laughter without my negative invading thoughts telling myself different. Woo hoo at long last.
Diet wise? What I'm trying to diet? Really? Ah well, I shall have to try harder!!
But here is a little step forward in the whole accepting myself thing which I just had to record...
For a long time I have thought of my fat as protection. It allows me to feel protected and distanced from 'normal' people.
I had always thought people were just almoost humouring me by speaking to me or anything. But looking at things, perhaps a little more sanely, I can see that is wrong/crooked thinking.
I am married to a man who loves me for me. I have the unconditional love of my daughter. A family that loves me. Friends and colleagues that I am now starting to appreciate are being genuine when they want to spend time with me, etc.
Evidence against will always be my dad and brother. But I guess that is something I will always have to live with and try my best to come to terms with.
All in all though I am starting to like myself and let myself enjoy company and laughter without my negative invading thoughts telling myself different. Woo hoo at long last.
Diet wise? What I'm trying to diet? Really? Ah well, I shall have to try harder!!
But here is a little step forward in the whole accepting myself thing which I just had to record...
Saturday, 30 October 2010
The joy of exercise
Yes, it's true. I am actually starting with exercise. I have been to Curves, I have been weighed, measured, fat percentage taken, BMI, targets set, tears shed, sweat sweated and circuits completed. How do I feel about it? Flipping Awesome!
It has taken me so so long to take the small hard step of getting back into exercise and having done it, it now feels as though my goal is finally in sight.
I first started Curves 16/10/08. I weighed about 20 stone I think back then. By the February 2009 I was down to about 14 stone. So what I know, that's the past. However, it's the 30th of October 2010, I feel that in not a very long period of time I can make a dent in my weightloss. LL combined with Curves. The seratonins or whatever they are will be working well with my mental health too I feel. I am feeling positive yee haa, thank feck!
The workout was great. Curves is all women, circuit type training. The machines are hydrolic so you push yourself as hard as you can but dependent on the size you are. So you cannot overdo it really. The hydrolic machines are spaced with boards and when finished on one of the machines, you do a board exercise which is lower impact. You spend 30 seconds on each board. The full circuit takes you 30 minutes to do and then there are stretches afterwards. I was so selfconcious at first. Wore my trakkies and a tshirt.. and a cardi! A flipping cardi, but I was trying to cover my lumps and bumps! Half way through and I didn't care anymore, cardi was off and I was just getting on with it. Lots of different shaped women, big, small, thin, fat, and all doing their own thing. And of course the trainers, or rather encouragers, coming around egging people on. Good music on with a fast beat. I was concious of my lumps and bumps, realised that perhaps maybe I should shave my legs.... why do trakkies have to rise up your leg sometimes?!
It has taken me so so long to take the small hard step of getting back into exercise and having done it, it now feels as though my goal is finally in sight.
I first started Curves 16/10/08. I weighed about 20 stone I think back then. By the February 2009 I was down to about 14 stone. So what I know, that's the past. However, it's the 30th of October 2010, I feel that in not a very long period of time I can make a dent in my weightloss. LL combined with Curves. The seratonins or whatever they are will be working well with my mental health too I feel. I am feeling positive yee haa, thank feck!
The workout was great. Curves is all women, circuit type training. The machines are hydrolic so you push yourself as hard as you can but dependent on the size you are. So you cannot overdo it really. The hydrolic machines are spaced with boards and when finished on one of the machines, you do a board exercise which is lower impact. You spend 30 seconds on each board. The full circuit takes you 30 minutes to do and then there are stretches afterwards. I was so selfconcious at first. Wore my trakkies and a tshirt.. and a cardi! A flipping cardi, but I was trying to cover my lumps and bumps! Half way through and I didn't care anymore, cardi was off and I was just getting on with it. Lots of different shaped women, big, small, thin, fat, and all doing their own thing. And of course the trainers, or rather encouragers, coming around egging people on. Good music on with a fast beat. I was concious of my lumps and bumps, realised that perhaps maybe I should shave my legs.... why do trakkies have to rise up your leg sometimes?!
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
I may have to re-label my blog as "Self Destruct: Some More"
I annoy myself so much. Only yesterday I thought I had it all in the bag... had some things straight in my head. I did almost 2 full days of abstinence and then smack bang went shopping and bought the following:
6 x teacakes
1 x box of cookies
3 x choc bars
I ate them all. I fed my beast. I fed it big style.
My beast. What be that? Well, it is part of me that wants the crap food. That tells me constantly to eat. I know that makes me sound even loonier but that's what it is. Now, this whole split personality type thing is not a new thing to me. I have thought it for a long, long time. It is more than just an inner voice. It is much stronger than that. A force and not a force I can stand up to a lot of the time. My good friend talked about naming it the beast and that clicked with me and made so much sense and thinking about it like that lets me separate it from the self I want to become.
I do feel like two (or more?!) different people... at work I seem to have this self confidence that I can project to get things done. Underneath it's a different story. People like me I think, well know cos they tell me sometimes and show it, but I always think it's just for show, a front or something. I cannot believe that anyone would like me.
Now, after I recovered from attempting suicide, well not sure recovered, but thought about it, but in my stronger moments I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel so low, so neglected and insignificant that I would ever feel that low again. I am so angry at myself for not following that through. So quickly did I drop back into the rut. However, over the last few years I an feel that changing. But it's getting so far and then taking some knocks backwards!! But never that low thank goodness but that always scare the bejesus out of me. That is possible. But do you think that the more you think about something being possible that it becomes possible so may be a reality? So if you think positive you end up being more positive? If you act positive that rubs off on your emotions and psychosis?
Split personality is something I have always worried about. I always tend to mould myself around others expectations. That too was somehting I wanted to change.
I know that when I eat crap I feel crap and look crap and get fatter and more unhealthy. I do not want that. What part of me hates me so much that I do that to myself.
I annoy myself so much. Only yesterday I thought I had it all in the bag... had some things straight in my head. I did almost 2 full days of abstinence and then smack bang went shopping and bought the following:
6 x teacakes
1 x box of cookies
3 x choc bars
I ate them all. I fed my beast. I fed it big style.
My beast. What be that? Well, it is part of me that wants the crap food. That tells me constantly to eat. I know that makes me sound even loonier but that's what it is. Now, this whole split personality type thing is not a new thing to me. I have thought it for a long, long time. It is more than just an inner voice. It is much stronger than that. A force and not a force I can stand up to a lot of the time. My good friend talked about naming it the beast and that clicked with me and made so much sense and thinking about it like that lets me separate it from the self I want to become.
I do feel like two (or more?!) different people... at work I seem to have this self confidence that I can project to get things done. Underneath it's a different story. People like me I think, well know cos they tell me sometimes and show it, but I always think it's just for show, a front or something. I cannot believe that anyone would like me.
Now, after I recovered from attempting suicide, well not sure recovered, but thought about it, but in my stronger moments I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel so low, so neglected and insignificant that I would ever feel that low again. I am so angry at myself for not following that through. So quickly did I drop back into the rut. However, over the last few years I an feel that changing. But it's getting so far and then taking some knocks backwards!! But never that low thank goodness but that always scare the bejesus out of me. That is possible. But do you think that the more you think about something being possible that it becomes possible so may be a reality? So if you think positive you end up being more positive? If you act positive that rubs off on your emotions and psychosis?
Split personality is something I have always worried about. I always tend to mould myself around others expectations. That too was somehting I wanted to change.
I know that when I eat crap I feel crap and look crap and get fatter and more unhealthy. I do not want that. What part of me hates me so much that I do that to myself.
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Oh dear..
So here I go again. Learning the same old lesson again. Well no, obviously not learning anything really. I've been away down at the outlaws (in-laws) for a few days. We're leaving tomorrow... I had prepared myself in the way of LL that I could do my packs and have salad, meat and maybe an ickle bit of the liquid vino... however, in reality at the first service station we stopped at I bought some chocolate... not really starting off on the best foot eh?!
Then we had a chinease. Yummy scrummy in my (big huge) tummy :-( . But I did enjoy it. Just felt really bloated and yuck afterwards. Again, shall I never learn? So from then on it's been salads all the way for me. Pasta salad and prawn for lunches and salad and smoked haddock/chicken for dindins. Redeeming myself slightly.
I am desperate to get back into my LL packs. I didn't actually bring any with me which was probably my downfall... So anyway I am actually looking forward to getting home, starting back on the packs and drinking lots of water and packs.
Exercise too. I am craving the exercise. I really am. I want to go out for walks. I want to move I want to burn some fat really I suppose. So back to Curves I shall be going back to with a vengence. I haven't been for about a year. Back around 2 years ago I was so into exercise I was practically addicted. I want to get back into that. i felt ace. Slim, flexible and full of energy. So back to those days I must go. Finally perhaps starting to get it through my thick skull that eating myself into oblivian is never going to help me achieve that goal.
Also I have made a concerted effort not to feel self conscious, whih is extremely hard. However, my latest brain wave is attempt to be accepted / realise I'm accepted as me. Huge, fat (oh i hate that word) or whatever. Is it really only me who thinks all that about myself? Sometimes i start to think it is. But then I see a look or think I hear a far off comment and plummet to the lows of self hatred once again. The belljar. I must try to live in the belljar again and not let negative comments or anything get to me. Easier said than done of course though.
Take just now we are sitting around chatting and watching Strictly Come Dancing (I'm being slightly antisocial by being on here but hey ho!) I feel pure massive. i'm not really lightest I've been probably this year but where I've been eating 'normal' food the past few days my tummy has expanded, well bloated a bit... I'm having some vino and enjoying the family and chat. It's lovely. Once upon a time I never ever felt this way. Even when I was a skinny I never felt 100% comfortable. So I guess it's never about your size, but about the way you feel about yourself. Self esteem. Why do I have to wait such a long time until I get this way of thinking? HOWEVER(!) only when I'm thinking like this do I think that... once in a blue mooon in otherwords lol.
Been 'good' today. Had breakfast, no snacks and then a nice healthy lunch. Having smoked haddock and salad with new potatoes tonight so that's all in the healthy range I would have thought. However, I have been snacking a little when some other people were around so it's a total if I feel uncomfortable in any way I reach for comfort in the form of chocolate/cakes/sweet foods. Dumb ass thing though eh, after all this time. Anyways best log off and drink some more of the red wine, mmmmm!
Back on the LL wagon when I'm home and exercise aplenty too :-) Next post should include some tales of that!
Then we had a chinease. Yummy scrummy in my (big huge) tummy :-( . But I did enjoy it. Just felt really bloated and yuck afterwards. Again, shall I never learn? So from then on it's been salads all the way for me. Pasta salad and prawn for lunches and salad and smoked haddock/chicken for dindins. Redeeming myself slightly.
I am desperate to get back into my LL packs. I didn't actually bring any with me which was probably my downfall... So anyway I am actually looking forward to getting home, starting back on the packs and drinking lots of water and packs.
Exercise too. I am craving the exercise. I really am. I want to go out for walks. I want to move I want to burn some fat really I suppose. So back to Curves I shall be going back to with a vengence. I haven't been for about a year. Back around 2 years ago I was so into exercise I was practically addicted. I want to get back into that. i felt ace. Slim, flexible and full of energy. So back to those days I must go. Finally perhaps starting to get it through my thick skull that eating myself into oblivian is never going to help me achieve that goal.
Also I have made a concerted effort not to feel self conscious, whih is extremely hard. However, my latest brain wave is attempt to be accepted / realise I'm accepted as me. Huge, fat (oh i hate that word) or whatever. Is it really only me who thinks all that about myself? Sometimes i start to think it is. But then I see a look or think I hear a far off comment and plummet to the lows of self hatred once again. The belljar. I must try to live in the belljar again and not let negative comments or anything get to me. Easier said than done of course though.
Take just now we are sitting around chatting and watching Strictly Come Dancing (I'm being slightly antisocial by being on here but hey ho!) I feel pure massive. i'm not really lightest I've been probably this year but where I've been eating 'normal' food the past few days my tummy has expanded, well bloated a bit... I'm having some vino and enjoying the family and chat. It's lovely. Once upon a time I never ever felt this way. Even when I was a skinny I never felt 100% comfortable. So I guess it's never about your size, but about the way you feel about yourself. Self esteem. Why do I have to wait such a long time until I get this way of thinking? HOWEVER(!) only when I'm thinking like this do I think that... once in a blue mooon in otherwords lol.
Been 'good' today. Had breakfast, no snacks and then a nice healthy lunch. Having smoked haddock and salad with new potatoes tonight so that's all in the healthy range I would have thought. However, I have been snacking a little when some other people were around so it's a total if I feel uncomfortable in any way I reach for comfort in the form of chocolate/cakes/sweet foods. Dumb ass thing though eh, after all this time. Anyways best log off and drink some more of the red wine, mmmmm!
Back on the LL wagon when I'm home and exercise aplenty too :-) Next post should include some tales of that!
Saturday, 16 October 2010
It's like I can't do friendships. It works out okay for so long and then I go and make a tit of myself or interpret it that way and back away and just want to run for the hills.
I am so uncomfortable talking about this that I am typing this while my head is face down on the bed so I can't actually read what I'm saying. Therefore, you shall have to forgive any typos.
I want to pull into myself, I share so much and I love it and it's great. Take my new friendship that I'm loving and enjoying and totally feel comfortable in exploring. It's alien to me. I love it, it's truley enjoyable and feels so right, but it's strange putting trust in someone. In leaving myself wide open. Like on this blog. It's out there. If anyone is reading this and you actually met me and I knew you'd read this I would want to sink into the ground. But I love it too. Being so open and honest on here is such a breath of fresh air. It makes me feel at peace with myself about my thoughts and feelings and whys and why nots.My hubbie loves me for me and that is the first time I have ever felt that. Ever. I'm actually getting well upset writing that, because I know he loves me and I can feel it in the very heart of my being and the very roots of my body and heart. He loves me. He knows me. He knows pretty much everything and if he doesn't know something it's because that I just haven't thought about something for a while and then it comes up and he knows about it.l No holds barred. I never had that growing up. I was always very guarded. Always. Even with my parents. My brother and my sister. Feck the tears are dripping now. I dare not think about what I am writing on here at the moment. I can feel my fingers taking over and all this stuff pouring out and at the same time my eyes ar epouring with tears so I will continue for as long as I can because I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I am so messed up and why oh why I hate myself so much.
I told another friend at work that I hated myself. She caught me when I was feeling really vulnerable and upset and I am so shit at hiding my emotions it's unreal. So before I knew it I told her that I hated myself and I wanted to learn about me and why I felt that way. SHe didn't think I was a crackpot. She hugged me and told me I was amazing and the most loving person she knew. THat is just too bizarre. Too alien to me. I know I have his naturatl ability to make people feel at ease but I think that's because I don't feel that way myself and would hate for anytone to feel that way about themselves, the way I feel about bein g me because I hate it. In my darkest times, black dog, depression whatever the justification that we like to give ourselves is, I just want to disappear. I have this automatic self preservation thing that takes me over and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Away from everything I know. Everyone I know and start over. But that would not of course help anything because I would always be with myself and it is myself that I cannot understand and if I can't understand myself then how on earth will I ever be at peace with myself or at least learn to be happier and conent. It's the weirdest thin. I have been like this for so long that I don't know what is me, what is this darkness and what I actually want as an outcome. I physcally ache about it sometimes. Not for ages, years in fact but I remember the feelings so well so clearly and I am shit scared of ever going back to being like that. I know I won't. Deep down I know that another person couldn't love me if I was not loveable in some way. I have been with Simon now for seven years and known ihim for more like eight or nine so he's still with me. I no longer live in fear of him leaving me and realising that he hates me and wondering what the heck he was doing with me but my god it has taken me so long to come to terms with that. I have a child. I love and adore her and don't want her to go through any of the shit that I am going through. I don't even know if i'm putting myself through it or what,. I haven't cried like this for ages. It's actually quite good. Letting it all out and not having it build up inside me. I know if I didn't have my babes and my hubs that things would be so different.I would never of believed in myself. Never ever. Never thought any of this was possible.
My closest friend in the world asked me what it was that my mum had done that I cant move past. Can't forgive her for. I have thought about that for a while. Our relationship is so strained. But it has been for years and years. I have never felt truley loved by her. Always a carrot, always a stick. "If x" then "I'll love you" type scenario. I tell myself that it was really hard for her, her mum died when she was about twenty three or something. And was very ill for a long time. Maybe she wasn't mothered very well. But then I think of my little Rubles and how much I don't want anything to effect her. Even at a young age I don't think I was one hundred persent loved. Loved yes of course. But more of a possession maybe, sometimes an inconvenience. I would never get mum the same way. Okay I now know she is bipolar. THat is under control and she was diagnosed when I was about twenty two or something. However, she hasn't really changed since. in fact gotten worse. Mental health issues aside, mothering is surely an instinct and putting your child to the side because he or she is an inconvenience is surely wrong. Having limited memories of growing up and being happy is not right. Regardless off the mental state of the parent involved. Or maybe not. This is me just grasping and thinking on here. Even when she was 'normal' things were bad.
THat's it, I'm spent and can feel myself closing back up. Sometimes I think it would be great to be hypnotised and put under and for all this aggro and hurt and torment to come out of me. I just want to know what it is. I want to sort it. I have a good relationship with mum considering. But it's the 'considering' part I want to drop. I want to know what it is I can't forgive her for and maybe by rereading this at somepoing i'll pick something out of what i'm saying but it just seems so unknown.
Hopefully hubbie is now finished his yummy smelling food. I had to disappear upstairs in case the want took over and I knocked him out just so I could eat his food... well not that severe but you get the impression!
I am so uncomfortable talking about this that I am typing this while my head is face down on the bed so I can't actually read what I'm saying. Therefore, you shall have to forgive any typos.
I want to pull into myself, I share so much and I love it and it's great. Take my new friendship that I'm loving and enjoying and totally feel comfortable in exploring. It's alien to me. I love it, it's truley enjoyable and feels so right, but it's strange putting trust in someone. In leaving myself wide open. Like on this blog. It's out there. If anyone is reading this and you actually met me and I knew you'd read this I would want to sink into the ground. But I love it too. Being so open and honest on here is such a breath of fresh air. It makes me feel at peace with myself about my thoughts and feelings and whys and why nots.My hubbie loves me for me and that is the first time I have ever felt that. Ever. I'm actually getting well upset writing that, because I know he loves me and I can feel it in the very heart of my being and the very roots of my body and heart. He loves me. He knows me. He knows pretty much everything and if he doesn't know something it's because that I just haven't thought about something for a while and then it comes up and he knows about it.l No holds barred. I never had that growing up. I was always very guarded. Always. Even with my parents. My brother and my sister. Feck the tears are dripping now. I dare not think about what I am writing on here at the moment. I can feel my fingers taking over and all this stuff pouring out and at the same time my eyes ar epouring with tears so I will continue for as long as I can because I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I am so messed up and why oh why I hate myself so much.
I told another friend at work that I hated myself. She caught me when I was feeling really vulnerable and upset and I am so shit at hiding my emotions it's unreal. So before I knew it I told her that I hated myself and I wanted to learn about me and why I felt that way. SHe didn't think I was a crackpot. She hugged me and told me I was amazing and the most loving person she knew. THat is just too bizarre. Too alien to me. I know I have his naturatl ability to make people feel at ease but I think that's because I don't feel that way myself and would hate for anytone to feel that way about themselves, the way I feel about bein g me because I hate it. In my darkest times, black dog, depression whatever the justification that we like to give ourselves is, I just want to disappear. I have this automatic self preservation thing that takes me over and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Away from everything I know. Everyone I know and start over. But that would not of course help anything because I would always be with myself and it is myself that I cannot understand and if I can't understand myself then how on earth will I ever be at peace with myself or at least learn to be happier and conent. It's the weirdest thin. I have been like this for so long that I don't know what is me, what is this darkness and what I actually want as an outcome. I physcally ache about it sometimes. Not for ages, years in fact but I remember the feelings so well so clearly and I am shit scared of ever going back to being like that. I know I won't. Deep down I know that another person couldn't love me if I was not loveable in some way. I have been with Simon now for seven years and known ihim for more like eight or nine so he's still with me. I no longer live in fear of him leaving me and realising that he hates me and wondering what the heck he was doing with me but my god it has taken me so long to come to terms with that. I have a child. I love and adore her and don't want her to go through any of the shit that I am going through. I don't even know if i'm putting myself through it or what,. I haven't cried like this for ages. It's actually quite good. Letting it all out and not having it build up inside me. I know if I didn't have my babes and my hubs that things would be so different.I would never of believed in myself. Never ever. Never thought any of this was possible.
My closest friend in the world asked me what it was that my mum had done that I cant move past. Can't forgive her for. I have thought about that for a while. Our relationship is so strained. But it has been for years and years. I have never felt truley loved by her. Always a carrot, always a stick. "If x" then "I'll love you" type scenario. I tell myself that it was really hard for her, her mum died when she was about twenty three or something. And was very ill for a long time. Maybe she wasn't mothered very well. But then I think of my little Rubles and how much I don't want anything to effect her. Even at a young age I don't think I was one hundred persent loved. Loved yes of course. But more of a possession maybe, sometimes an inconvenience. I would never get mum the same way. Okay I now know she is bipolar. THat is under control and she was diagnosed when I was about twenty two or something. However, she hasn't really changed since. in fact gotten worse. Mental health issues aside, mothering is surely an instinct and putting your child to the side because he or she is an inconvenience is surely wrong. Having limited memories of growing up and being happy is not right. Regardless off the mental state of the parent involved. Or maybe not. This is me just grasping and thinking on here. Even when she was 'normal' things were bad.
THat's it, I'm spent and can feel myself closing back up. Sometimes I think it would be great to be hypnotised and put under and for all this aggro and hurt and torment to come out of me. I just want to know what it is. I want to sort it. I have a good relationship with mum considering. But it's the 'considering' part I want to drop. I want to know what it is I can't forgive her for and maybe by rereading this at somepoing i'll pick something out of what i'm saying but it just seems so unknown.
Hopefully hubbie is now finished his yummy smelling food. I had to disappear upstairs in case the want took over and I knocked him out just so I could eat his food... well not that severe but you get the impression!
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