Not blogged for a few days and left the last one unfinished I think... whoops...
My head is all over the place just now, in that I still know what I should be doing, I'm making excuses for myself being like this which are so full of crap. All boils down to the fact that I am out of control.
Another thought (I seem to have so many of those!) I had was that maybe I am actually in control of my weight and everything else is out of control.. As weird as that sounds, sometimes I'm wondering if my weight is an expression of my feelings that I can't express through words.. that's what it's been in the past I think. But even that theory doesn't really add up, because most areas of my life are fine. Sure I could be challenged a bit more at work, yes it would be excellent to have a child who did as she told and went to bed on time and a win on the lottery to pay off all debts and have some left over would be lovely. But who doesn't wish for all that?!
I am more concious of my eating now, but still yearn for it. I feel the impact of what I'm eating every day more and more. I hate myself for it.
I want to hide. More than ever. Even at work, I just want to stay behind my desk and not have to go anywhere else, which is difficult in my job! I feel as though everyone is thinking 'wow she has put on tons of weight', etc. Totally paranoid, probably coupled with a sprinkling of reality.
So what am I doing to myself. Well that I know, but why am I doing it. It is so crazy, I seem to be so fucked up with all this stuff.
I'm trying eating in only the one place. At the dinner table, which is really good actually. Funny that, simple things that should just be done as opposed to being an effort to do, if that makes sense... That's going well. Dinners are going fine, not clearing my plate and pretty much finishing when I'm full. Eating constantly is still going on though, albeit, not following 'the rules'. Which is dreadful... well maybe that's a bit strong. Not the best for what I'm trying to achieve.
I never 'let loose' in my childhood. Always sensible, holed up in my room escaping through make believe. Favourite TV programmes, music, making up songs, alternate realities, crumbs alive that's not good!! I'd like to make up for that but don't know how!!! I always feel like 'the adult' although sometimes I can be super daft and silly and am known to be that when I'm with close family/friends. But I can't be that open naturally. Never ever leave myself open like that.
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Dreams
Things continue to be strange, more so now in my dreams!!
My relationship with my mum is strained. I love her. I do realise that now. It's just hard to show and to think about. She is away on holiday and I am enjoying the peace and quiet!! I was quite blunt with my mum and told her to stop fussing and that I would stop telling her what was going on if she kept on interfering and going on about things all the time. Anyways, I of course felt guilty afterwards. So anyways that night I dreamt that mum had died. It was so real. I was upset and it was then I realised that I loved her. I thought I would make more of an effort with her; tried that and then she still annoyed me so cut the conversation short and said I would speak to her when she came back from holiday - three weeks of peace and quiet... will she leave it that long?!!
Other dreams have been so real. Always violent, running away from bad people and things. Being ready to do battle with people and hiding, running away and protecting me, Ruby, Simon sometimes too.
Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. I was in complete disbelief and totally 100% thrilled. I still live month to month in the hope that I'm pregnant. What is that all about?
Eating is out of control majorly. Not having proper meals, having the most crap I've ever had instead, eating rubbish and feeling rubbish. Getting bigger and bigger and more and more unhappy with myself and my actions. But I feel unable to control anything anymore and am obsessive of eating all the time. All the time, whether I'm hungry or not.
I am in constant conflict with myself.
My relationship with my mum is strained. I love her. I do realise that now. It's just hard to show and to think about. She is away on holiday and I am enjoying the peace and quiet!! I was quite blunt with my mum and told her to stop fussing and that I would stop telling her what was going on if she kept on interfering and going on about things all the time. Anyways, I of course felt guilty afterwards. So anyways that night I dreamt that mum had died. It was so real. I was upset and it was then I realised that I loved her. I thought I would make more of an effort with her; tried that and then she still annoyed me so cut the conversation short and said I would speak to her when she came back from holiday - three weeks of peace and quiet... will she leave it that long?!!
Other dreams have been so real. Always violent, running away from bad people and things. Being ready to do battle with people and hiding, running away and protecting me, Ruby, Simon sometimes too.
Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. I was in complete disbelief and totally 100% thrilled. I still live month to month in the hope that I'm pregnant. What is that all about?
Eating is out of control majorly. Not having proper meals, having the most crap I've ever had instead, eating rubbish and feeling rubbish. Getting bigger and bigger and more and more unhappy with myself and my actions. But I feel unable to control anything anymore and am obsessive of eating all the time. All the time, whether I'm hungry or not.
I am in constant conflict with myself.
Monday, 12 July 2010
Messed it up already? Bloody hope not...
Sunday, 11th July 2010
I stopped blogging. What does that tell you, I've messed it up already. Tiniest of reasons, I managed to talk myself around in a weak moment. Does that make me sound crazy? Of course!
I hate myself. I know that is irrational, I know there are lots of reasons to my eating, but it always comes down to the fact that I hate myself. For reasons known yet undiscovered...
I had a bit of a lightbulb moment earlier today regarding toilet roll... wait, hear me out on this one. When I was growing up I guess my dad as some issues... he used to be really stingy on the loo roll supply. We were 'rationed' to two squares of it and an 'emergency' loo roll was kepts in a cupboard in another part of the house (probably as far from the bathroom as you could get!!). Resulting in my house never ever, ever being short of loo roll. If I get down to 9 rolls I start to worry and always keep 3 rolls in the bathroom with the spares right outside...
Does the food thing have such an easy explanation? I have such strong memories around food; being told not to have too much, about FHB - Family Hold Back, as in let others go first. Does that explain my secret eating? Eat it all first and then put things out, eat just one thing of what's out for everyone? I do this to extremes, making myself feel sick then still eating and eating.
I feel guilty still, self loathing. There is so much shit going on in the world and here I am worrying about my weight. One of my friends at work was recently diagnosed with breast cancer in a very agressive form. Here I am worrying about my weight. People deal with lots of different things in different ways. It's like I'm trying to create the worst case scenario/symtoms that being overweight could give me before doing anything about it. But why? Why can I know I want to lose weight, feel better about myself but not see it through, to succumb, sabotage at every chance?
Some might think I'm being stupid and don't want to change. I do I cannot emphasise that enough. I have done it, I can do it, I just didn't believe it, whatever was working for me has stopped working (mentally) and the weight is back because I could not control my eating and ate way way too much crap. I wish I could flick that switch back in my head.
I feel helpless over something I should have full control over. I know what I'm doing, going to the shops, buying crap and eating it all. Stuffing myself, overeating like mad but doing it repeatedly.
I know things taste so muchbetter in moderation. I'll do 2-3 days of abstinence and then have something, say one small square of chocolate, it will taste sublime. Fantastic, if only I could leave it there I think to myself. I would really savour and enjoy it. Within no time at all I would of polished off the lot and eaten anything else I can get my hands on.
But my body is starting to physically ache now. My legs are getting bigger, my tummy and bum rounder and my feet are starting to hurt, must be the pressure. Horrendous. Why am I doing this to myself. That is the reality, it is me who is doing this to me.
Enough talk perhaps? Time for me to put in some action. That is what I am hoping for. Hence perhaps why I cannot sleep on this Sunday night, whoops, Monday morning.
I stopped blogging. What does that tell you, I've messed it up already. Tiniest of reasons, I managed to talk myself around in a weak moment. Does that make me sound crazy? Of course!
I hate myself. I know that is irrational, I know there are lots of reasons to my eating, but it always comes down to the fact that I hate myself. For reasons known yet undiscovered...
I had a bit of a lightbulb moment earlier today regarding toilet roll... wait, hear me out on this one. When I was growing up I guess my dad as some issues... he used to be really stingy on the loo roll supply. We were 'rationed' to two squares of it and an 'emergency' loo roll was kepts in a cupboard in another part of the house (probably as far from the bathroom as you could get!!). Resulting in my house never ever, ever being short of loo roll. If I get down to 9 rolls I start to worry and always keep 3 rolls in the bathroom with the spares right outside...
Does the food thing have such an easy explanation? I have such strong memories around food; being told not to have too much, about FHB - Family Hold Back, as in let others go first. Does that explain my secret eating? Eat it all first and then put things out, eat just one thing of what's out for everyone? I do this to extremes, making myself feel sick then still eating and eating.
I feel guilty still, self loathing. There is so much shit going on in the world and here I am worrying about my weight. One of my friends at work was recently diagnosed with breast cancer in a very agressive form. Here I am worrying about my weight. People deal with lots of different things in different ways. It's like I'm trying to create the worst case scenario/symtoms that being overweight could give me before doing anything about it. But why? Why can I know I want to lose weight, feel better about myself but not see it through, to succumb, sabotage at every chance?
Some might think I'm being stupid and don't want to change. I do I cannot emphasise that enough. I have done it, I can do it, I just didn't believe it, whatever was working for me has stopped working (mentally) and the weight is back because I could not control my eating and ate way way too much crap. I wish I could flick that switch back in my head.
I feel helpless over something I should have full control over. I know what I'm doing, going to the shops, buying crap and eating it all. Stuffing myself, overeating like mad but doing it repeatedly.
I know things taste so muchbetter in moderation. I'll do 2-3 days of abstinence and then have something, say one small square of chocolate, it will taste sublime. Fantastic, if only I could leave it there I think to myself. I would really savour and enjoy it. Within no time at all I would of polished off the lot and eaten anything else I can get my hands on.
But my body is starting to physically ache now. My legs are getting bigger, my tummy and bum rounder and my feet are starting to hurt, must be the pressure. Horrendous. Why am I doing this to myself. That is the reality, it is me who is doing this to me.
Enough talk perhaps? Time for me to put in some action. That is what I am hoping for. Hence perhaps why I cannot sleep on this Sunday night, whoops, Monday morning.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Indulgence?
Saturday, 10th July 2010
It feels strange putting all my thoughts and feelings down in a blog. But I am sure it will help. Helps that it's annonomous also. Makes it easier!
I feel so self involved and selfish, thinking about my weight all the time and worrying about it, leading to me sticking to my abstinence for a day or two and then blowing out on masses of chocolate and biscuits. I am sick of myself and this never ending cycle. There is so much in the news just now about obesity and ways of stopping it. Unless you have been overweight, not just a little, but a lot overweight then there is no way that anyone could understand what it's like.
Sometimes I think of it as an addiction, it is of course the worst addiction to have. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, yes they are terrible and I don't pretend to have the first idea of either being addicted to them or giving them up. However, what I do know is that food remains in your life all the time. It is a necessity. The others if you manage to cut out of your lives, that's it, they're out of your life. Yes, you see them around but you do not physically need them to survive. Food on the otherhand is a necessity and will always be required. With so much of it around all the time will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with it?
I am following a strict abstinence diet at the moment... well yet to re-start it but will be doing so today. I know that if I manage to stick to it that all my cravings will go and I will have only the cravings in my head to worry about and the ingrained habits that are so hard to shift. Then the challenge of probably never eating anything sweet again as it is far too much of a trigger. But anyway, I will worry about that later when I attempt a re-habilitation of food. But I am not ready for that yet... need to shift around 10 stone before that.
Options? Well I would never really consider a gastric band, or surgery in an attempt to lose the weight. It would work sure but somehow I cannot comprehend doing that. I know I can drop the weight when my head is 'right' so that is what I must do. Sure I will be left with loose skin but that is to be dealt with at the end of my weightloss, not worried about just now.
I am seeing someone regarding the psychological aspect of my weight and issues which I'll go into more detail later I'm sure. Beleive me this is not self-indulgent twaddle, I do have a problem with the 'use' of food in my life. That much I am sure of. But understand the other issues and solve the problem of food? Of that I am yet to be convinced but I am giving it my best shot.
So this is Day 1 of my walk towards my goal.
I do not feel optomistic or happy or anything really, just a need to get this weight off once and for all. My body aches with the weight. My arms are floppy and make slap noises when I move too fast and my legs rub together. My tummy has folds in it and my feet are sore with the pressure of holding up my heavy body.
I am a nice person though. I like to think that anyway, and am not completley defined by my weight, however, I can't help thinking that my weight is all anybody sees and that the worst I think about myself, others think as well.
Here goes. I'll check in later.
It feels strange putting all my thoughts and feelings down in a blog. But I am sure it will help. Helps that it's annonomous also. Makes it easier!
I feel so self involved and selfish, thinking about my weight all the time and worrying about it, leading to me sticking to my abstinence for a day or two and then blowing out on masses of chocolate and biscuits. I am sick of myself and this never ending cycle. There is so much in the news just now about obesity and ways of stopping it. Unless you have been overweight, not just a little, but a lot overweight then there is no way that anyone could understand what it's like.
Sometimes I think of it as an addiction, it is of course the worst addiction to have. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, yes they are terrible and I don't pretend to have the first idea of either being addicted to them or giving them up. However, what I do know is that food remains in your life all the time. It is a necessity. The others if you manage to cut out of your lives, that's it, they're out of your life. Yes, you see them around but you do not physically need them to survive. Food on the otherhand is a necessity and will always be required. With so much of it around all the time will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with it?
I am following a strict abstinence diet at the moment... well yet to re-start it but will be doing so today. I know that if I manage to stick to it that all my cravings will go and I will have only the cravings in my head to worry about and the ingrained habits that are so hard to shift. Then the challenge of probably never eating anything sweet again as it is far too much of a trigger. But anyway, I will worry about that later when I attempt a re-habilitation of food. But I am not ready for that yet... need to shift around 10 stone before that.
Options? Well I would never really consider a gastric band, or surgery in an attempt to lose the weight. It would work sure but somehow I cannot comprehend doing that. I know I can drop the weight when my head is 'right' so that is what I must do. Sure I will be left with loose skin but that is to be dealt with at the end of my weightloss, not worried about just now.
I am seeing someone regarding the psychological aspect of my weight and issues which I'll go into more detail later I'm sure. Beleive me this is not self-indulgent twaddle, I do have a problem with the 'use' of food in my life. That much I am sure of. But understand the other issues and solve the problem of food? Of that I am yet to be convinced but I am giving it my best shot.
So this is Day 1 of my walk towards my goal.
I do not feel optomistic or happy or anything really, just a need to get this weight off once and for all. My body aches with the weight. My arms are floppy and make slap noises when I move too fast and my legs rub together. My tummy has folds in it and my feet are sore with the pressure of holding up my heavy body.
I am a nice person though. I like to think that anyway, and am not completley defined by my weight, however, I can't help thinking that my weight is all anybody sees and that the worst I think about myself, others think as well.
Here goes. I'll check in later.
Friday, 9 July 2010
Final Fresh Start
Who am I?
I'm 28, can I still get away with saying girl instead of woman?! Married with one child. Been 'big' all my life until around 2 years ago when I lost almost 13 stone. Couldn't get my head around it and then put 10st back on...
I'm doing this because I want to keep a record of my struggle. Because that's what it is, a daily, hourly, every second struggle.
I found out lots about myself along the way previously and just how messed up I am around food. Issues indeed. But self preservation must come into this and self-pitying out. Lessons learned putting it all back on. Not good.
This is my challenge to get back down to a size I am happy with but doing the mental battle as well as that is the key.
Hopefully it makes sense and you understand where I'm coming from... and don't think I'm a complete freak!
I'm 28, can I still get away with saying girl instead of woman?! Married with one child. Been 'big' all my life until around 2 years ago when I lost almost 13 stone. Couldn't get my head around it and then put 10st back on...
I'm doing this because I want to keep a record of my struggle. Because that's what it is, a daily, hourly, every second struggle.
I found out lots about myself along the way previously and just how messed up I am around food. Issues indeed. But self preservation must come into this and self-pitying out. Lessons learned putting it all back on. Not good.
This is my challenge to get back down to a size I am happy with but doing the mental battle as well as that is the key.
Hopefully it makes sense and you understand where I'm coming from... and don't think I'm a complete freak!
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