This is a post from before I got into abstinence. I didn't realise but I'd left it in draft form... so probably from around 5/6 weeks ago I would guess. Thought I would publish it anyway...
So I can safely say that abstinence is not in place at the moment. But I am working on it, or at least eating 'normally'.
I am tryiing a new technique of eating in a specific place, not just anywhere!! So I intend to clear the ironing which is on the dining room table(!) and start eating up there. The idea being that I become more aware of what I eat.. and when I suppose. So far I have been putting this off, but will start today. I feel a little scared of this. Like I will be missing out and doing myself out of something.
Another thing that has occurred to me is that I am punishing myself through eating. The more I eat, the heavier I become, the more I struggle to do things, thus punishing myself. Maybe I feel I don't deserve to be slim and energetic? That's what I'm thinking just now because I am not enjoying what I'm eating most of the time, it's just a process I'm going through. How alien does that sound?!
A lightbulb moment on Friday when I saw my psychologist. She asked me what I was doing to care for myself, etc? I said I felt I didn't deserve anything and was putting everything on hold and only doing the necessities until that elusive time. What about exercise? Well we turned the spare room into my place. Put my rowing machine up there and exercise DVDs. So far, I have yet to go in there... I was reminded that even though I was heavier than I wished that I could still care for myself and exercise. That was a bit of a jolt - permission to look after myself physically!
The truth is I don't look after myself so well just now. Cleanliness is not the issue. It's more not doing things I enjoy. Prefering to stay well out of things than get involved. I don't want to be 'on show', it's so much easier to fall into the background. Hilarious when you think about it because you couldn't miss me because of my current size! Current, I'm glad I used that word, that means it will change. For the better.
I wish I could flick a switch in my head and change things straight away. I am really trying but it feels like a long process and things even I am aware of take a while to make sense to me. Everything comes in its own time I suppose, even rational thinking..!
Working through my 'issues'. Sounds so lame but I guess things that happen do have an impact on how I feel and go about my life now. So to think about them, and understand them in context and move on must be the way to go.
Here is an attempt to put it down on paper..
The memories I have of being young involve being with other people. Not my mum and dad really. Going away for a few nights with Granners when I was about 6, Ross came too. I won an art competition and was mega proud!! Staying over at friends houses. Them staying at mine. Going to the cinema with mum's friend & her children - more Ross's friends than mine. Then Lorna was born when I was 8, Ross would have been 10. I remember going to see her at the hospital and how happy mum was.
Jillian moved in with us as a nanny to look after Lorna and she looked after Ross & I too. When Lorna was about 2 she moved out and Selina moved in. Ross & I had gone to Selina's gran, Jessie to be looked after after school, etc. and now Selina was old enough she moved in and took over from Jillian. I was destraght when Jillian moved out as well as Lorna... I had a bond with her I suppose inevitable given I had spent a lot of time with her. I liked Selina too. Ultimately there to look after Lorna while mum and dad were at work, however, of course looked after Ross & I too. That seems really strange to me now. I suppose we had a big house and the room and a kind of 'nanny flat' so it would make sense for someone to move in. However, what I have a problem with trying to tie things up is that mum was and still is a teacher. So surely better hours than most parents to be able to work around care arrangements. But still not around that much.
I remember doing the weekly shop with dad. Mum was always doing school work or talking on the 'phone practically giving blow by blow accounts of what was happening, per child. I always hated that, yet listened in to find out what she was saying. What else? A constant issue about my weight, yes of course. Going on health kicks with mum for about a day and then that changing. I remember losing weight when I was younger by watching what I was eating and then doing a lot of walking and running with friends, I felt good and normal. I was still given chocolate bars, etc. but I kept these in a box instead of eating them. I remember showing them to mum as if to say "look mum, I haven't eaten these, aren't I doing well" and she said she would take them and eat them. Right now I'm thinking that wasn't the best message I could have gotten...
I didn't mean to go into all that anyway but I suppose it matters as well. A lot of arguing, always. Ross was a bit of a trouble maker, always up to stuff, then into serious things. Fighting, drugs and once he had a gun. Which he showed me and I just told him he was stupid and to get rid. I flushed his drugs down the loo and told him to get a grip and did he know the damage he was doing to those he sold to? I also remember loaning him money all the time because of getting sob stories from him. Now I realise this was probably dealers after him or something else alien to me. So lots of him fighting with mum and dad. Mum and dad arguing with him. Ross smashing stuff up around the house. Me in my room, watching x-files, drawing, listening to music and singing my heart out imagining an audience in my own room saying how good I was. I was happy though to stay out of the spotlight with mum and dad and just go about getting through school and dreaming of moving out.
Mum always said I had a good voice, I was good at x, y & z. But it never felt sincere. Even now she'll say things like I have a wonderful voice, better than Lorna's - who is at Grade 8. Whose benefit is she saying that for? Never does she say it infront of Lorna, just to me but come on get a grip! I don't even want to hear that. Part of me thinks well if that were true then why not get me singing lessons, etc. when i was growing up? I'm not jealous of Lorna. Lorna went to ballet, singing & drama and all these things. Mum I think always felt guilty and was making up for the things we missed out on through Lorna.
We stopped have Selina living with us when Lorna went to school. I looked after her. I guess mum and dad were having money problems too because we moved house to a smaller house. That's when I became really aware of mum and dad arguing a lot.
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