Indulgence?

Saturday, 10th July 2010

It feels strange putting all my thoughts and feelings down in a blog. But I am sure it will help. Helps that it's annonomous also. Makes it easier!

I feel so self involved and selfish, thinking about my weight all the time and worrying about it, leading to me sticking to my abstinence for a day or two and then blowing out on masses of chocolate and biscuits. I am sick of myself and this never ending cycle. There is so much in the news just now about obesity and ways of stopping it. Unless you have been overweight, not just a little, but a lot overweight then there is no way that anyone could understand what it's like.

Sometimes I think of it as an addiction, it is of course the worst addiction to have. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, yes they are terrible and I don't pretend to have the first idea of either being addicted to them or giving them up. However, what I do know is that food remains in your life all the time. It is a necessity. The others if you manage to cut out of your lives, that's it, they're out of your life. Yes, you see them around but you do not physically need them to survive. Food on the otherhand is a necessity and will always be required. With so much of it around all the time will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with it?

I am following a strict abstinence diet at the moment... well yet to re-start it but will be doing so today. I know that if I manage to stick to it that all my cravings will go and I will have only the cravings in my head to worry about and the ingrained habits that are so hard to shift. Then the challenge of probably never eating anything sweet again as it is far too much of a trigger. But anyway, I will worry about that later when I attempt a re-habilitation of food. But I am not ready for that yet... need to shift around 10 stone before that.

Options? Well I would never really consider a gastric band, or surgery in an attempt to lose the weight. It would work sure but somehow I cannot comprehend doing that. I know I can drop the weight when my head is 'right' so that is what I must do. Sure I will be left with loose skin but that is to be dealt with at the end of my weightloss, not worried about just now.

I am seeing someone regarding the psychological aspect of my weight and issues which I'll go into more detail later I'm sure. Beleive me this is not self-indulgent twaddle, I do have a problem with the 'use' of food in my life. That much I am sure of. But understand the other issues and solve the problem of food? Of that I am yet to be convinced but I am giving it my best shot.

So this is Day 1 of my walk towards my goal.

I do not feel optomistic or happy or anything really, just a need to get this weight off once and for all. My body aches with the weight. My arms are floppy and make slap noises when I move too fast and my legs rub together. My tummy has folds in it and my feet are sore with the pressure of holding up my heavy body.

I am a nice person though. I like to think that anyway, and am not completley defined by my weight, however, I can't help thinking that my weight is all anybody sees and that the worst I think about myself, others think as well.

Here goes. I'll check in later.