Messed it up already? Bloody hope not...

Sunday, 11th July 2010

I stopped blogging. What does that tell you, I've messed it up already. Tiniest of reasons, I managed to talk myself around in a weak moment. Does that make me sound crazy? Of course!

I hate myself. I know that is irrational, I know there are lots of reasons to my eating, but it always comes down to the fact that I hate myself. For reasons known yet undiscovered...

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment earlier today regarding toilet roll... wait, hear me out on this one. When I was growing up I guess my dad as some issues... he used to be really stingy on the loo roll supply. We were 'rationed' to two squares of it and an 'emergency' loo roll was kepts in a cupboard in another part of the house (probably as far from the bathroom as you could get!!). Resulting in my house never ever, ever being short of loo roll. If I get down to 9 rolls I start to worry and always keep 3 rolls in the bathroom with the spares right outside...

Does the food thing have such an easy explanation? I have such strong memories around food; being told not to have too much, about FHB - Family Hold Back, as in let others go first. Does that explain my secret eating? Eat it all first and then put things out, eat just one thing of what's out for everyone? I do this to extremes, making myself feel sick then still eating and eating.

I feel guilty still, self loathing. There is so much shit going on in the world and here I am worrying about my weight. One of my friends at work was recently diagnosed with breast cancer in a very agressive form. Here I am worrying about my weight. People deal with lots of different things in different ways. It's like I'm trying to create the worst case scenario/symtoms that being overweight could give me before doing anything about it. But why? Why can I know I want to lose weight, feel better about myself but not see it through, to succumb, sabotage at every chance?

Some might think I'm being stupid and don't want to change. I do I cannot emphasise that enough. I have done it, I can do it, I just didn't believe it, whatever was working for me has stopped working (mentally) and the weight is back because I could not control my eating and ate way way too much crap. I wish I could flick that switch back in my head.

I feel helpless over something I should have full control over. I know what I'm doing, going to the shops, buying crap and eating it all. Stuffing myself, overeating like mad but doing it repeatedly.

I know things taste so muchbetter in moderation. I'll do 2-3 days of abstinence and then have something, say one small square of chocolate, it will taste sublime. Fantastic, if only I could leave it there I think to myself. I would really savour and enjoy it. Within no time at all I would of polished off the lot and eaten anything else I can get my hands on.

But my body is starting to physically ache now. My legs are getting bigger, my tummy and bum rounder and my feet are starting to hurt, must be the pressure. Horrendous. Why am I doing this to myself. That is the reality, it is me who is doing this to me.

Enough talk perhaps? Time for me to put in some action. That is what I am hoping for. Hence perhaps why I cannot sleep on this Sunday night, whoops, Monday morning.