Not blogged for a few days and left the last one unfinished I think... whoops...

My head is all over the place just now, in that I still know what I should be doing, I'm making excuses for myself being like this which are so full of crap. All boils down to the fact that I am out of control.

Another thought (I seem to have so many of those!) I had was that maybe I am actually in control of my weight and everything else is out of control.. As weird as that sounds, sometimes I'm wondering if my weight is an expression of my feelings that I can't express through words.. that's what it's been in the past I think. But even that theory doesn't really add up, because most areas of my life are fine. Sure I could be challenged a bit more at work, yes it would be excellent to have a child who did as she told and went to bed on time and a win on the lottery to pay off all debts and have some left over would be lovely. But who doesn't wish for all that?!

I am more concious of my eating now, but still yearn for it. I feel the impact of what I'm eating every day more and more. I hate myself for it.

I want to hide. More than ever. Even at work, I just want to stay behind my desk and not have to go anywhere else, which is difficult in my job! I feel as though everyone is thinking 'wow she has put on tons of weight', etc. Totally paranoid, probably coupled with a sprinkling of reality.

So what am I doing to myself. Well that I know, but why am I doing it. It is so crazy, I seem to be so fucked up with all this stuff.

I'm trying eating in only the one place. At the dinner table, which is really good actually. Funny that, simple things that should just be done as opposed to being an effort to do, if that makes sense... That's going well. Dinners are going fine, not clearing my plate and pretty much finishing when I'm full. Eating constantly is still going on though, albeit, not following 'the rules'. Which is dreadful... well maybe that's a bit strong. Not the best for what I'm trying to achieve.

I never 'let loose' in my childhood. Always sensible, holed up in my room escaping through make believe. Favourite TV programmes, music, making up songs, alternate realities, crumbs alive that's not good!! I'd like to make up for that but don't know how!!! I always feel like 'the adult' although sometimes I can be super daft and silly and am known to be that when I'm with close family/friends. But I can't be that open naturally. Never ever leave myself open like that.