Three days in a row of posting, wow, there's regularity for you!
Fought through all cravings today and came out victorious, not so much as a incy bit other than prescribed passed my lips :-). A great feeling that is and I am going to remember how I feel in refusing/ignoring the food next time I feel tempted.
Hubbie is working 2pm - 9pm which is not good news... he is normally my rock in the evenings. I am hopeful that I will not be tempted and will keep on the path to slimness.
We went swimming today... and I loved it so much!! I normally make up excuses not to go and haven't been for about two years because of my size. For some reason it was my suggestion to go today, I just felt like it. I also knew that all the schools were in and it would be quiet at our local pool! But it was brilliant. Yes, I was uber selfconscious getting in and out of the pool, but I did it.
Mum decided to come and visit us 'in passing' tonight... very nice surprise, lol! But the thing is, I had this whole thought that if she says anything about my weight then i would say something along the lines of "oh that's nice of you to comment, but i thought you said i was putting on tons of weight" but she said nothing, nada. Now, since last i saw her i have lost just over one stone... even my nice neighbour noticed that... so maybe she only notices gain and not losses. In any event, i don't pay it much heed. If she does say anything then i'll just say something to her but i can't really be bothered in actual fact. That sounds bad i know but there has been so much hurt and emotions in our relationship that i can't quite bring myself to be the one that makes everything ok anymore. I'm not going to sacrifice myself just to make herself feel better.
I am feeling more energy and more into doing stuff which is nice. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow to get back into proper routine and in the hope that the weeks start skipping by!!
Monday, 30 August 2010
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Distraction
I've got to this stage in the day without going off course, but it has been very tough. My poor wee house has never been scrubbed so much in it's life.. the bahtroom, the bedrooms and I've had a clear out of loads of things that we don't need or use anymore. It's been so hard though..
I started the day with a vanilla shake, then soon after had a bar... I felt hungry and hard done by. I got really grumpy, nothing was good enough and everything my hubbie said was annoying me and so i disappeared upstairs to do somewhat of a spring clean. I was crying I was angry I was a wreck, quite funny to think about it now, but at the time it wasn't so funny!! I came back down after about 2 hours and had a double porrige for lunch - thus using up all of my pack allowance for the day.. However, I felt immediately satisfied and then went up and finished off what I was doing without any outbursts!! My darling hubbie had done the ironing whilst I was upstairs, full of surprises that one, but great!
So I started sorting out some clothes too. I have some really nice clothes to slim into! I had forgotten that I had gone on somewhat of a spending spree when I hit a size 12 and got lots of clothes!! However, that is a while off yet, they can stay looking pretty and i'll be ready for them in time enough. Just now my aim is to get into a size 18. I hadn't got rid of the size 18s I had from last time and there was also a new pair of jeans in that size too in my wardrobe. They are lovely and i am setting them as my first clothes goal. It may take me a bit of time to get there but in maybe 6 weeks or so maybe that goal will be realised.
But this is mentally draining. Physically I feel lots better, i guess i am mentally too given the change i am making and already benefiting from it in this short time.
But it shocked me just how flaked out i was this morning over nothing really, well the change becoming a reality sinking in i suppose. I was so angry, angry at myself for letting myself get this way, angry and grumpy and tearful and throwing a major wobbly tantrum at myself and anyone around me. Damn that rebellious child side of me!
I am doubting myself and that's not good. I feel like I want to run away from myself, get away from my own thoughts for a while and just tune out reality for a bit. I've felt like this before, the need to morph out of my own body to get myself together. It's so far aware, will I ever get there? It took me 9 months last time. 9 months. That seems both like eternity and just a blink of an eye.
I saw some friends recently that I haven't seen in a long time. A big part of that was because I didn't want them to see that i had regained the weight. I felt embarressed and scared of their reaction. The thing is, weight is no private turmoil. Weight is right out there for everyone to see, there is no hiding it, even with the best support tights/sucky in pants, etc. it's all there. They treated me as normal, i was the one that brought it up and they said they weren't surprised given i was so unwell at the beginning of last year and that was an end to it. Sometimes our own worries are the worst as reality is different than what you think it is.
I am realising how much i was having, how often and the amounts involved. It's so weird, not constantly planning and living meal to meal, snack to snack. A relief still to be on this but i am scared of food. Scared to go back to it when i finish and get to my goal. I really need to sort myself out around food. When I go back to see my lovely lady in a few weeks, there will be a big difference from when she saw me last time. I am scared because she wanted to attempt the re-introduction of food before i got to my goal. Her thinking being that i should see if i can do it before loosing tons of weight, so taking it in chunks. But now that i'm actually in abstinence and making progress, that is scaring the bejesus out of me. I have the best of intentions but i so quickly descend into gluttony that it's frightening. I know that's what i'm working on with her and it may be realised.
I am not naive enough to think that being slim equals no problems, however, i am hopeful that it will allow me to deal with things more easily and take more pride in myself and not be such a walkover. I also know i can be slim. I was genuinely unsure that it was possible for me to be so. I know that sounds daft, but when you've been on the chubby side and then a lot overweight for most of your life that does give room for question. I remember trying to lose weight when i was younger. When i was about 12 i lost a fair bit and remember going on holiday with my friend and actually running and being good at it. However, i also remember not much changing at home. I would still be given sweets so i started to just keep them, not eat them. I had them in a box in my bedroom. I was so proud of myself for not having them, i went to show my mum and she immediately took them and started eating them(!) So i guess i decided there wasn't much point in that. But on the flipside i recall mum going on about my weight a fair bit, starting exercise classes and things like Rosemary Conley. But she never stuck at long, hence i didn't. My brother was embarresed to be seen with me and i think my dad was too. I became pretty much a hermit, i would stay in my room all the time, listening to music, singing away and pretending my life was completely different. Constantly. Living in fantasy. Drowning out everything else that was going on.
When my sister was born it was great, I loved her immediately. I never understood the jealousy thing with siblings fully. I was 8 when she was born. By the time I was 12, I took her everywhere with me, if i was going out to the park mum wanted me to take her with me. When friends came to stay over she would be there too. We have always been really close. That is why i am so protective of her and why she will always come to me for advice or help. I wouldn't have it any other way. She was 11 when mum and dad split. First off it was pretty amicable. Do you know what, i'm not doing this now, i'll get it out soon enough.
Feeling a bit better already for getting this out of my system.
I started the day with a vanilla shake, then soon after had a bar... I felt hungry and hard done by. I got really grumpy, nothing was good enough and everything my hubbie said was annoying me and so i disappeared upstairs to do somewhat of a spring clean. I was crying I was angry I was a wreck, quite funny to think about it now, but at the time it wasn't so funny!! I came back down after about 2 hours and had a double porrige for lunch - thus using up all of my pack allowance for the day.. However, I felt immediately satisfied and then went up and finished off what I was doing without any outbursts!! My darling hubbie had done the ironing whilst I was upstairs, full of surprises that one, but great!
So I started sorting out some clothes too. I have some really nice clothes to slim into! I had forgotten that I had gone on somewhat of a spending spree when I hit a size 12 and got lots of clothes!! However, that is a while off yet, they can stay looking pretty and i'll be ready for them in time enough. Just now my aim is to get into a size 18. I hadn't got rid of the size 18s I had from last time and there was also a new pair of jeans in that size too in my wardrobe. They are lovely and i am setting them as my first clothes goal. It may take me a bit of time to get there but in maybe 6 weeks or so maybe that goal will be realised.
But this is mentally draining. Physically I feel lots better, i guess i am mentally too given the change i am making and already benefiting from it in this short time.
But it shocked me just how flaked out i was this morning over nothing really, well the change becoming a reality sinking in i suppose. I was so angry, angry at myself for letting myself get this way, angry and grumpy and tearful and throwing a major wobbly tantrum at myself and anyone around me. Damn that rebellious child side of me!
I am doubting myself and that's not good. I feel like I want to run away from myself, get away from my own thoughts for a while and just tune out reality for a bit. I've felt like this before, the need to morph out of my own body to get myself together. It's so far aware, will I ever get there? It took me 9 months last time. 9 months. That seems both like eternity and just a blink of an eye.
I saw some friends recently that I haven't seen in a long time. A big part of that was because I didn't want them to see that i had regained the weight. I felt embarressed and scared of their reaction. The thing is, weight is no private turmoil. Weight is right out there for everyone to see, there is no hiding it, even with the best support tights/sucky in pants, etc. it's all there. They treated me as normal, i was the one that brought it up and they said they weren't surprised given i was so unwell at the beginning of last year and that was an end to it. Sometimes our own worries are the worst as reality is different than what you think it is.
I am realising how much i was having, how often and the amounts involved. It's so weird, not constantly planning and living meal to meal, snack to snack. A relief still to be on this but i am scared of food. Scared to go back to it when i finish and get to my goal. I really need to sort myself out around food. When I go back to see my lovely lady in a few weeks, there will be a big difference from when she saw me last time. I am scared because she wanted to attempt the re-introduction of food before i got to my goal. Her thinking being that i should see if i can do it before loosing tons of weight, so taking it in chunks. But now that i'm actually in abstinence and making progress, that is scaring the bejesus out of me. I have the best of intentions but i so quickly descend into gluttony that it's frightening. I know that's what i'm working on with her and it may be realised.
I am not naive enough to think that being slim equals no problems, however, i am hopeful that it will allow me to deal with things more easily and take more pride in myself and not be such a walkover. I also know i can be slim. I was genuinely unsure that it was possible for me to be so. I know that sounds daft, but when you've been on the chubby side and then a lot overweight for most of your life that does give room for question. I remember trying to lose weight when i was younger. When i was about 12 i lost a fair bit and remember going on holiday with my friend and actually running and being good at it. However, i also remember not much changing at home. I would still be given sweets so i started to just keep them, not eat them. I had them in a box in my bedroom. I was so proud of myself for not having them, i went to show my mum and she immediately took them and started eating them(!) So i guess i decided there wasn't much point in that. But on the flipside i recall mum going on about my weight a fair bit, starting exercise classes and things like Rosemary Conley. But she never stuck at long, hence i didn't. My brother was embarresed to be seen with me and i think my dad was too. I became pretty much a hermit, i would stay in my room all the time, listening to music, singing away and pretending my life was completely different. Constantly. Living in fantasy. Drowning out everything else that was going on.
When my sister was born it was great, I loved her immediately. I never understood the jealousy thing with siblings fully. I was 8 when she was born. By the time I was 12, I took her everywhere with me, if i was going out to the park mum wanted me to take her with me. When friends came to stay over she would be there too. We have always been really close. That is why i am so protective of her and why she will always come to me for advice or help. I wouldn't have it any other way. She was 11 when mum and dad split. First off it was pretty amicable. Do you know what, i'm not doing this now, i'll get it out soon enough.
Feeling a bit better already for getting this out of my system.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
2 in one day!
Another entry in the same day, cripes I'm in a chatty mood today!
Weigh in went well, I lost another 7.5lbs, which is great. The class was quite small tonight, started off with 5 of us, while waiting to get weighed the women were all going on about how hard it is, how much they had been eating in the lead up to tonight's class... I found that really hard. I have worked so hard to get myself into a place where I can do this. I don't want to risk losing my mojo by listening to them. So rude or not, I tuned out and read some success stories... By the time class got started there was just me and this other woman. She as older than me and was so negative and down and I recognised myself in her probably about 3/4 weeks ago. We were talking about what we wanted to change. What we wanted to stop, do more of and start. My 'stops' were stop wasting time, stop looking backwards, stop the negative thinking, stop being unrealistic and stop second guessing what people are thinking about me. My 'do more ofs' were: keep focussed, open and honest, positive thinking, recognising automatic thoughts, more 'me' time/self care and of course my current mantra of "fake it until you make it". I want to 'start' exercising, going out and be more accepting of myself. So it was a useful class and just what was needed. The other woman got a lot out of what I had to say... i'm only glad i could help someone. She was quite eeksome though, like a scary lady. She told me that she was 42 and was able to just not really care about what people thought.. now that scare's the crap out of me. She was so stand offish at first and downright rude but I guess that was a cover for her own insecurities really. Yes I want to focus less on what I think people are thinking about me, but not stop caring altogether, that would be awful.
Anyways, people are starting to notice a difference in me, especially around my face. Well excuse me but I have lost from other places too but short of pulling my top up and showing them I guess that will have to wait a while for some notice. For pulling my top up to bare my midrif would never happen!!
One of the things that stopped me before I think was putting some pressure on myself. All the time thinking I'll lose x amount of weight for x reason. Then that date would come and go and I'd not lose any weight, in fact I'd have heaped it on.
So this time I have clicked into what I did the first time, I'm doing it just for me. Yes others will benefit but I'm doing it for me primarily.
It's strange, even now, when I've just come home from class having lost weight and feeling really good about it, I have this 'want' in me to reach out for food. This is a good experiment though. Why... the feeling is in my throat, not my tummy or anything. That's strange actually. It's just a habit, something ingrained so deep in me that i reach out for food in times of change or anything for any reason. If in doubt seek out food!
So anyways, to keep my focus I'm going to try and re-introduce exercise into my daily routine. I loved it when I was really into it, going to gym classes and going to the gym three or four times a week. It might take me a while but I am convinced I will get back into it and start getting my fitness levels up. Walking is much easier now. Holy crap, how bad does that sound? Bloody hell just walking is an improvement, what the fudge have I been thinking about while I've been pilling on the weight. I am actually repulsed by myself just thinking about that, but that's all in the past, things can only get better.
Anyways, going to get off now.
Weigh in went well, I lost another 7.5lbs, which is great. The class was quite small tonight, started off with 5 of us, while waiting to get weighed the women were all going on about how hard it is, how much they had been eating in the lead up to tonight's class... I found that really hard. I have worked so hard to get myself into a place where I can do this. I don't want to risk losing my mojo by listening to them. So rude or not, I tuned out and read some success stories... By the time class got started there was just me and this other woman. She as older than me and was so negative and down and I recognised myself in her probably about 3/4 weeks ago. We were talking about what we wanted to change. What we wanted to stop, do more of and start. My 'stops' were stop wasting time, stop looking backwards, stop the negative thinking, stop being unrealistic and stop second guessing what people are thinking about me. My 'do more ofs' were: keep focussed, open and honest, positive thinking, recognising automatic thoughts, more 'me' time/self care and of course my current mantra of "fake it until you make it". I want to 'start' exercising, going out and be more accepting of myself. So it was a useful class and just what was needed. The other woman got a lot out of what I had to say... i'm only glad i could help someone. She was quite eeksome though, like a scary lady. She told me that she was 42 and was able to just not really care about what people thought.. now that scare's the crap out of me. She was so stand offish at first and downright rude but I guess that was a cover for her own insecurities really. Yes I want to focus less on what I think people are thinking about me, but not stop caring altogether, that would be awful.
Anyways, people are starting to notice a difference in me, especially around my face. Well excuse me but I have lost from other places too but short of pulling my top up and showing them I guess that will have to wait a while for some notice. For pulling my top up to bare my midrif would never happen!!
One of the things that stopped me before I think was putting some pressure on myself. All the time thinking I'll lose x amount of weight for x reason. Then that date would come and go and I'd not lose any weight, in fact I'd have heaped it on.
So this time I have clicked into what I did the first time, I'm doing it just for me. Yes others will benefit but I'm doing it for me primarily.
It's strange, even now, when I've just come home from class having lost weight and feeling really good about it, I have this 'want' in me to reach out for food. This is a good experiment though. Why... the feeling is in my throat, not my tummy or anything. That's strange actually. It's just a habit, something ingrained so deep in me that i reach out for food in times of change or anything for any reason. If in doubt seek out food!
So anyways, to keep my focus I'm going to try and re-introduce exercise into my daily routine. I loved it when I was really into it, going to gym classes and going to the gym three or four times a week. It might take me a while but I am convinced I will get back into it and start getting my fitness levels up. Walking is much easier now. Holy crap, how bad does that sound? Bloody hell just walking is an improvement, what the fudge have I been thinking about while I've been pilling on the weight. I am actually repulsed by myself just thinking about that, but that's all in the past, things can only get better.
Anyways, going to get off now.
Still up and down like a yoyo....
I don't like to be inhibited when I write on here so I'm going to try and continue to be true to myself, my thoughts and feelings.
So many thoughts going on in my head, not too sure how to start this one off... hmmm... looking on the positives, weight wise it's coming down! I lost 8.5lbs last week, yes I am on track and on my abstinence plan. LighterLife is working for me once again now that I can stick to it. Before that it seemed like I could never get the groove back and return to the 'zone'. So, another class tonight and I'm hoping for another great loss, maybe not so big, I know, but at least going in the right direction.
It seems endless just now. So what I am going to do is put in a 3 month review slot with myself and check on progress at that time... lol sad I know but I am a bit of a weirdo and control freak so if that's going to work for me that's how I'm going to do it, so (after consulting calendar) that will take me to ... well actually, I'm going to do it in 14 week stints after further thought. So come 18th November, I will have 'weighed in' 14 times. It seems so far off, but when I think that we are almost at the end of August already, if I keep my head then the time should go by just as quick and i could do a lot of damage in that time.
Speaking of time going fast. I was so daft last year. About November time I was thinking, right by April I could lose x amount and all will be back in control... hahaha like that happened, come April I was well on the road to gaining x amount. Scary how fast the weight comes on, scarier still what i was managing to eat.
Anyway, after about 4 days of abstinence I felt better already. I had been getting these kind of chest pains and I was seriously starting to worry that i might just keel over... i guess it was just too much pressure around my chest. That's where the weight has gone from first I think. I certainly feel a difference anway. I feel more in control. I am not as out of control because that is how it felt. I couldn't control myself around food, if I didn't have any I would think up stupid excuses to go out and buy some, not some, loads. So I would rather be struggling like this in refusing myself the easy way out by bingeing. The alternative is too fearful. Do I never eat chocolate again? Never have sweet stuff I love again for fear that I lose all control? Only time will tell I guess. For now I am really trying not to think about the other end of this. I just want the weight off first.
Last time I loved the re-introduction of food part. I loved having a plain chicken breast even, it tasted amazing. I was so aware of all the rubbish they put into foods and could smell the nasties in 'junk food' for example. Sounds daft I know, but I could smell the oversweetness, etc. I want to try and get to the stage where food is fuel. Full stop.
What else is good? My clothes are getting looser. I feel more energetic already. I have more interest in things that are going on. I'm starting to, well, slowly slowly, feeling a bit more confident. But it's like as soon as I allow myself to feel that way and enjoy it, I regret and want to sink back into myself again. But suppose it is progress. When you hear about the 'fat people' it's all "jolly fat person" etc. Well that might be true on the outside, but a lot of turmoil and hurt goes on in the inside. I would almost say paranoia plays a huge part because to use me as an example here i can be talking to someone and be thinking all the time that the other person is thinking how "fat"/"disgusting"/"ugly"/"stupid" - take your pick, that I am. Doesn't matter who I'm talking to really, I like to jump in there and say the worst things to myself internally so that if they say anything it's not as bad. But that's a load of rubbish. It's worse. Not that that ever happens though... i just think it would happen. Oh dear..!!
The thing is, I can give the kind of advice to other people that I am trying to tell myself. But I pay no heed to it. I feel I am not worth anything and one day I will be found out and lose everything I have... now I know that's not true and rational thinking would tell me I'm being well and truly ridiculous. But that is my ever underling thinking. No matter what anyone tries to tell me i don't believe it, yes it sounds nice and yes i want to believe it but for whatever reason, my default setting if you like, is to feel unworthy, surplus to requirements and annoying/in the way.
I am trying so hard to stop all the automatic thoughts, it's just a hard thing to do. But I am beginning to recognise these as automatic thoughts which must be progress of some sort at least.
Anyways, must get on so will report back to tell of my loss tonight and see what other nonsense pours out of my fingers, lol!
So many thoughts going on in my head, not too sure how to start this one off... hmmm... looking on the positives, weight wise it's coming down! I lost 8.5lbs last week, yes I am on track and on my abstinence plan. LighterLife is working for me once again now that I can stick to it. Before that it seemed like I could never get the groove back and return to the 'zone'. So, another class tonight and I'm hoping for another great loss, maybe not so big, I know, but at least going in the right direction.
It seems endless just now. So what I am going to do is put in a 3 month review slot with myself and check on progress at that time... lol sad I know but I am a bit of a weirdo and control freak so if that's going to work for me that's how I'm going to do it, so (after consulting calendar) that will take me to ... well actually, I'm going to do it in 14 week stints after further thought. So come 18th November, I will have 'weighed in' 14 times. It seems so far off, but when I think that we are almost at the end of August already, if I keep my head then the time should go by just as quick and i could do a lot of damage in that time.
Speaking of time going fast. I was so daft last year. About November time I was thinking, right by April I could lose x amount and all will be back in control... hahaha like that happened, come April I was well on the road to gaining x amount. Scary how fast the weight comes on, scarier still what i was managing to eat.
Anyway, after about 4 days of abstinence I felt better already. I had been getting these kind of chest pains and I was seriously starting to worry that i might just keel over... i guess it was just too much pressure around my chest. That's where the weight has gone from first I think. I certainly feel a difference anway. I feel more in control. I am not as out of control because that is how it felt. I couldn't control myself around food, if I didn't have any I would think up stupid excuses to go out and buy some, not some, loads. So I would rather be struggling like this in refusing myself the easy way out by bingeing. The alternative is too fearful. Do I never eat chocolate again? Never have sweet stuff I love again for fear that I lose all control? Only time will tell I guess. For now I am really trying not to think about the other end of this. I just want the weight off first.
Last time I loved the re-introduction of food part. I loved having a plain chicken breast even, it tasted amazing. I was so aware of all the rubbish they put into foods and could smell the nasties in 'junk food' for example. Sounds daft I know, but I could smell the oversweetness, etc. I want to try and get to the stage where food is fuel. Full stop.
What else is good? My clothes are getting looser. I feel more energetic already. I have more interest in things that are going on. I'm starting to, well, slowly slowly, feeling a bit more confident. But it's like as soon as I allow myself to feel that way and enjoy it, I regret and want to sink back into myself again. But suppose it is progress. When you hear about the 'fat people' it's all "jolly fat person" etc. Well that might be true on the outside, but a lot of turmoil and hurt goes on in the inside. I would almost say paranoia plays a huge part because to use me as an example here i can be talking to someone and be thinking all the time that the other person is thinking how "fat"/"disgusting"/"ugly"/"stupid" - take your pick, that I am. Doesn't matter who I'm talking to really, I like to jump in there and say the worst things to myself internally so that if they say anything it's not as bad. But that's a load of rubbish. It's worse. Not that that ever happens though... i just think it would happen. Oh dear..!!
The thing is, I can give the kind of advice to other people that I am trying to tell myself. But I pay no heed to it. I feel I am not worth anything and one day I will be found out and lose everything I have... now I know that's not true and rational thinking would tell me I'm being well and truly ridiculous. But that is my ever underling thinking. No matter what anyone tries to tell me i don't believe it, yes it sounds nice and yes i want to believe it but for whatever reason, my default setting if you like, is to feel unworthy, surplus to requirements and annoying/in the way.
I am trying so hard to stop all the automatic thoughts, it's just a hard thing to do. But I am beginning to recognise these as automatic thoughts which must be progress of some sort at least.
Anyways, must get on so will report back to tell of my loss tonight and see what other nonsense pours out of my fingers, lol!
Monday, 16 August 2010
I am still around!!
What a past couple of weeks. People talk about a roller coaster of emotions. Yup I guess I fit into that category very well. So much so I annoy myself.
I went to see my lovely lady on Friday and told her all my fears. Maybe I should contact my dad and brother, as it would make my sister feel better about things. But as I uttered those words out loud, I became quite scared by the prospect. So decision made - not a good idea. Compounded by the fact that my lady told me that I would have to weigh up the 'pay off'. It would only be negative as far as I'm concerned. I have tried so many times. At my grandfather's funeral, even at his own dad's funeral, my dad ignored me/looked straight through me. My brother spat at me. Then when my child was born, not interested. So with that out loud and no longer swirming around my head, I would say that the 'pay off' was not worth it. In the least. My wee sis will need to cope with the way things are. As we all have to. Families can be complicated. It is true what they say, you cannot choose your family. I am just deeply saddened and embaressed that things worked out this way. I am not however prepared to apologise for something that needs no apology. TO succumb and tell them they were in the right and I am the 'baddie' in this situation. Nope. Never going to happen. I actually value myself too much for that.
So that said, I was also upset thinking that I only love the love of my life because he was the only male to ever love me. What if I don't actually love him? Of course that's a load of twaddle. I love him more than anything in the world.
I also said that I felt I was being so self involved / self indulgent. However, my lady told me she would not stand for such things. So I guess that tells me that I do have a problem (duh!) and am not being self-indulgent and also that my 'issues' are solvable, or at least worth looking into to try and change.
I still want to slap myself silly to get back to being a normal human being but I guess we are all screwed up in some way, shape or form.
Diet wise things are getting on track. Some straight days of abstinence. Not 100% perfect, the few extra packs but nothing totally off course. It is totally in my head. I tell myself I'm constantly hungry, need to eat, need something. But what does that something do? Numbs the pain, but what pain and why? What are these feelings I'm trying to numb? And why? Yes a lot of it stems back to how I was brought up but I don't buy that. I am me. I am nothing like my brother yet surley we were brought up the same.
I am a coper. Usually really well. From around 10 I always remember being the grown up. "Wise head on young shoulders" are the words I remember from childhood. I tried rebelling, of course I did. Hated smoking though, didn't like causing a fuss and felt guilty if I was too naughty. So not much good at rebelling I guess. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a wife and mother and have a responsible job, maybe the only way I can rebel is to overeat... yeah... go figure.
I want to wave a magic wand and for this process to be over. But doesn't everyone. THere is no magic wand. Only hard work. No pain no gain has never been more accurate. I know I need to work hard. For myself. Love myself (blergh) and be kind to myself and believe in myself, coupled with following my diet and exercising. Ergo the whole I'm beign so self indulgent thoughts. But no. This matters and I matter. Hence the blergh comment as even thinking this seems so trite, let alone acually writing it and putting it out there.
Perseverance and distraction are obviously going to be on my radar.
Was my birthday, it was lovely, really good. Trying to enjoy things even though I'm not happy with my weight. Putting my life on hold again until I am is not a good idea. That didn't work too well for me last time... so mission possible is living my life now the way I intend to when I am slim. Obviously there will be some exceptions to this, such as running/swimming/car racing, etc. however, I will be doing 'normal' things, going to the cinema/heatre, going on days out and trying to go out with friends more.
4 weeks until I see my lady again... can I cope... I certainly hope!!
Actually I've decided that only positive thoughts and words shall do. I shall try (sorry slip up already) WILL do this and decide the rest of my actions with my best interests at heart. No more covering everything up and hiding from everything and everyone and covering it up with food and unnatural desire for mega pig outs(!!!!!)
At my class (weight class) I expressed some of my thoughts about myself, i.e. I hate myself, I'm so disgusting, etc. bloody hell, it's a wonder they didn't chuck me out for being so negative!!! Anyways, they all said how much they like me and what a nice person I am. I have such a hard time believing that though. Embarassing to hear.
A nice development has been that I have gotten a lot closer to a work colleague who I have actually confided in and can be the real me with. No barriers and can actually say how I feel quite easily. That's a first for me. Can't even speak like that to my mum (well no wonder, huh!) Hubbie yes and sister kind of. But this is a really nice thing. I guess because they've been around for quite a number of years and over the last year we have had more interaction. They were there for me during a tough time at work and I felt able to open up at that time and things have just blossomed from there. It's really refreshing to be able to have an honest and open relationship like this with someone other than my hubbie. Obviously not quite as open(!) but a really nice development. Best make sure it's not too one sided though, I'm used to being the listener, not the unburdening one... so strange, but strange good.
Don't think there's anything else to get out of my system just now. Will try to blog more regularly and stop bottling things up again.
Here goes nothing!
I went to see my lovely lady on Friday and told her all my fears. Maybe I should contact my dad and brother, as it would make my sister feel better about things. But as I uttered those words out loud, I became quite scared by the prospect. So decision made - not a good idea. Compounded by the fact that my lady told me that I would have to weigh up the 'pay off'. It would only be negative as far as I'm concerned. I have tried so many times. At my grandfather's funeral, even at his own dad's funeral, my dad ignored me/looked straight through me. My brother spat at me. Then when my child was born, not interested. So with that out loud and no longer swirming around my head, I would say that the 'pay off' was not worth it. In the least. My wee sis will need to cope with the way things are. As we all have to. Families can be complicated. It is true what they say, you cannot choose your family. I am just deeply saddened and embaressed that things worked out this way. I am not however prepared to apologise for something that needs no apology. TO succumb and tell them they were in the right and I am the 'baddie' in this situation. Nope. Never going to happen. I actually value myself too much for that.
So that said, I was also upset thinking that I only love the love of my life because he was the only male to ever love me. What if I don't actually love him? Of course that's a load of twaddle. I love him more than anything in the world.
I also said that I felt I was being so self involved / self indulgent. However, my lady told me she would not stand for such things. So I guess that tells me that I do have a problem (duh!) and am not being self-indulgent and also that my 'issues' are solvable, or at least worth looking into to try and change.
I still want to slap myself silly to get back to being a normal human being but I guess we are all screwed up in some way, shape or form.
Diet wise things are getting on track. Some straight days of abstinence. Not 100% perfect, the few extra packs but nothing totally off course. It is totally in my head. I tell myself I'm constantly hungry, need to eat, need something. But what does that something do? Numbs the pain, but what pain and why? What are these feelings I'm trying to numb? And why? Yes a lot of it stems back to how I was brought up but I don't buy that. I am me. I am nothing like my brother yet surley we were brought up the same.
I am a coper. Usually really well. From around 10 I always remember being the grown up. "Wise head on young shoulders" are the words I remember from childhood. I tried rebelling, of course I did. Hated smoking though, didn't like causing a fuss and felt guilty if I was too naughty. So not much good at rebelling I guess. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a wife and mother and have a responsible job, maybe the only way I can rebel is to overeat... yeah... go figure.
I want to wave a magic wand and for this process to be over. But doesn't everyone. THere is no magic wand. Only hard work. No pain no gain has never been more accurate. I know I need to work hard. For myself. Love myself (blergh) and be kind to myself and believe in myself, coupled with following my diet and exercising. Ergo the whole I'm beign so self indulgent thoughts. But no. This matters and I matter. Hence the blergh comment as even thinking this seems so trite, let alone acually writing it and putting it out there.
Perseverance and distraction are obviously going to be on my radar.
Was my birthday, it was lovely, really good. Trying to enjoy things even though I'm not happy with my weight. Putting my life on hold again until I am is not a good idea. That didn't work too well for me last time... so mission possible is living my life now the way I intend to when I am slim. Obviously there will be some exceptions to this, such as running/swimming/car racing, etc. however, I will be doing 'normal' things, going to the cinema/heatre, going on days out and trying to go out with friends more.
4 weeks until I see my lady again... can I cope... I certainly hope!!
Actually I've decided that only positive thoughts and words shall do. I shall try (sorry slip up already) WILL do this and decide the rest of my actions with my best interests at heart. No more covering everything up and hiding from everything and everyone and covering it up with food and unnatural desire for mega pig outs(!!!!!)
At my class (weight class) I expressed some of my thoughts about myself, i.e. I hate myself, I'm so disgusting, etc. bloody hell, it's a wonder they didn't chuck me out for being so negative!!! Anyways, they all said how much they like me and what a nice person I am. I have such a hard time believing that though. Embarassing to hear.
A nice development has been that I have gotten a lot closer to a work colleague who I have actually confided in and can be the real me with. No barriers and can actually say how I feel quite easily. That's a first for me. Can't even speak like that to my mum (well no wonder, huh!) Hubbie yes and sister kind of. But this is a really nice thing. I guess because they've been around for quite a number of years and over the last year we have had more interaction. They were there for me during a tough time at work and I felt able to open up at that time and things have just blossomed from there. It's really refreshing to be able to have an honest and open relationship like this with someone other than my hubbie. Obviously not quite as open(!) but a really nice development. Best make sure it's not too one sided though, I'm used to being the listener, not the unburdening one... so strange, but strange good.
Don't think there's anything else to get out of my system just now. Will try to blog more regularly and stop bottling things up again.
Here goes nothing!
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
from 18/7/10
This is a post from before I got into abstinence. I didn't realise but I'd left it in draft form... so probably from around 5/6 weeks ago I would guess. Thought I would publish it anyway...
So I can safely say that abstinence is not in place at the moment. But I am working on it, or at least eating 'normally'.
I am tryiing a new technique of eating in a specific place, not just anywhere!! So I intend to clear the ironing which is on the dining room table(!) and start eating up there. The idea being that I become more aware of what I eat.. and when I suppose. So far I have been putting this off, but will start today. I feel a little scared of this. Like I will be missing out and doing myself out of something.
Another thing that has occurred to me is that I am punishing myself through eating. The more I eat, the heavier I become, the more I struggle to do things, thus punishing myself. Maybe I feel I don't deserve to be slim and energetic? That's what I'm thinking just now because I am not enjoying what I'm eating most of the time, it's just a process I'm going through. How alien does that sound?!
A lightbulb moment on Friday when I saw my psychologist. She asked me what I was doing to care for myself, etc? I said I felt I didn't deserve anything and was putting everything on hold and only doing the necessities until that elusive time. What about exercise? Well we turned the spare room into my place. Put my rowing machine up there and exercise DVDs. So far, I have yet to go in there... I was reminded that even though I was heavier than I wished that I could still care for myself and exercise. That was a bit of a jolt - permission to look after myself physically!
The truth is I don't look after myself so well just now. Cleanliness is not the issue. It's more not doing things I enjoy. Prefering to stay well out of things than get involved. I don't want to be 'on show', it's so much easier to fall into the background. Hilarious when you think about it because you couldn't miss me because of my current size! Current, I'm glad I used that word, that means it will change. For the better.
I wish I could flick a switch in my head and change things straight away. I am really trying but it feels like a long process and things even I am aware of take a while to make sense to me. Everything comes in its own time I suppose, even rational thinking..!
Working through my 'issues'. Sounds so lame but I guess things that happen do have an impact on how I feel and go about my life now. So to think about them, and understand them in context and move on must be the way to go.
Here is an attempt to put it down on paper..
The memories I have of being young involve being with other people. Not my mum and dad really. Going away for a few nights with Granners when I was about 6, Ross came too. I won an art competition and was mega proud!! Staying over at friends houses. Them staying at mine. Going to the cinema with mum's friend & her children - more Ross's friends than mine. Then Lorna was born when I was 8, Ross would have been 10. I remember going to see her at the hospital and how happy mum was.
Jillian moved in with us as a nanny to look after Lorna and she looked after Ross & I too. When Lorna was about 2 she moved out and Selina moved in. Ross & I had gone to Selina's gran, Jessie to be looked after after school, etc. and now Selina was old enough she moved in and took over from Jillian. I was destraght when Jillian moved out as well as Lorna... I had a bond with her I suppose inevitable given I had spent a lot of time with her. I liked Selina too. Ultimately there to look after Lorna while mum and dad were at work, however, of course looked after Ross & I too. That seems really strange to me now. I suppose we had a big house and the room and a kind of 'nanny flat' so it would make sense for someone to move in. However, what I have a problem with trying to tie things up is that mum was and still is a teacher. So surely better hours than most parents to be able to work around care arrangements. But still not around that much.
I remember doing the weekly shop with dad. Mum was always doing school work or talking on the 'phone practically giving blow by blow accounts of what was happening, per child. I always hated that, yet listened in to find out what she was saying. What else? A constant issue about my weight, yes of course. Going on health kicks with mum for about a day and then that changing. I remember losing weight when I was younger by watching what I was eating and then doing a lot of walking and running with friends, I felt good and normal. I was still given chocolate bars, etc. but I kept these in a box instead of eating them. I remember showing them to mum as if to say "look mum, I haven't eaten these, aren't I doing well" and she said she would take them and eat them. Right now I'm thinking that wasn't the best message I could have gotten...
I didn't mean to go into all that anyway but I suppose it matters as well. A lot of arguing, always. Ross was a bit of a trouble maker, always up to stuff, then into serious things. Fighting, drugs and once he had a gun. Which he showed me and I just told him he was stupid and to get rid. I flushed his drugs down the loo and told him to get a grip and did he know the damage he was doing to those he sold to? I also remember loaning him money all the time because of getting sob stories from him. Now I realise this was probably dealers after him or something else alien to me. So lots of him fighting with mum and dad. Mum and dad arguing with him. Ross smashing stuff up around the house. Me in my room, watching x-files, drawing, listening to music and singing my heart out imagining an audience in my own room saying how good I was. I was happy though to stay out of the spotlight with mum and dad and just go about getting through school and dreaming of moving out.
Mum always said I had a good voice, I was good at x, y & z. But it never felt sincere. Even now she'll say things like I have a wonderful voice, better than Lorna's - who is at Grade 8. Whose benefit is she saying that for? Never does she say it infront of Lorna, just to me but come on get a grip! I don't even want to hear that. Part of me thinks well if that were true then why not get me singing lessons, etc. when i was growing up? I'm not jealous of Lorna. Lorna went to ballet, singing & drama and all these things. Mum I think always felt guilty and was making up for the things we missed out on through Lorna.
We stopped have Selina living with us when Lorna went to school. I looked after her. I guess mum and dad were having money problems too because we moved house to a smaller house. That's when I became really aware of mum and dad arguing a lot.
So I can safely say that abstinence is not in place at the moment. But I am working on it, or at least eating 'normally'.
I am tryiing a new technique of eating in a specific place, not just anywhere!! So I intend to clear the ironing which is on the dining room table(!) and start eating up there. The idea being that I become more aware of what I eat.. and when I suppose. So far I have been putting this off, but will start today. I feel a little scared of this. Like I will be missing out and doing myself out of something.
Another thing that has occurred to me is that I am punishing myself through eating. The more I eat, the heavier I become, the more I struggle to do things, thus punishing myself. Maybe I feel I don't deserve to be slim and energetic? That's what I'm thinking just now because I am not enjoying what I'm eating most of the time, it's just a process I'm going through. How alien does that sound?!
A lightbulb moment on Friday when I saw my psychologist. She asked me what I was doing to care for myself, etc? I said I felt I didn't deserve anything and was putting everything on hold and only doing the necessities until that elusive time. What about exercise? Well we turned the spare room into my place. Put my rowing machine up there and exercise DVDs. So far, I have yet to go in there... I was reminded that even though I was heavier than I wished that I could still care for myself and exercise. That was a bit of a jolt - permission to look after myself physically!
The truth is I don't look after myself so well just now. Cleanliness is not the issue. It's more not doing things I enjoy. Prefering to stay well out of things than get involved. I don't want to be 'on show', it's so much easier to fall into the background. Hilarious when you think about it because you couldn't miss me because of my current size! Current, I'm glad I used that word, that means it will change. For the better.
I wish I could flick a switch in my head and change things straight away. I am really trying but it feels like a long process and things even I am aware of take a while to make sense to me. Everything comes in its own time I suppose, even rational thinking..!
Working through my 'issues'. Sounds so lame but I guess things that happen do have an impact on how I feel and go about my life now. So to think about them, and understand them in context and move on must be the way to go.
Here is an attempt to put it down on paper..
The memories I have of being young involve being with other people. Not my mum and dad really. Going away for a few nights with Granners when I was about 6, Ross came too. I won an art competition and was mega proud!! Staying over at friends houses. Them staying at mine. Going to the cinema with mum's friend & her children - more Ross's friends than mine. Then Lorna was born when I was 8, Ross would have been 10. I remember going to see her at the hospital and how happy mum was.
Jillian moved in with us as a nanny to look after Lorna and she looked after Ross & I too. When Lorna was about 2 she moved out and Selina moved in. Ross & I had gone to Selina's gran, Jessie to be looked after after school, etc. and now Selina was old enough she moved in and took over from Jillian. I was destraght when Jillian moved out as well as Lorna... I had a bond with her I suppose inevitable given I had spent a lot of time with her. I liked Selina too. Ultimately there to look after Lorna while mum and dad were at work, however, of course looked after Ross & I too. That seems really strange to me now. I suppose we had a big house and the room and a kind of 'nanny flat' so it would make sense for someone to move in. However, what I have a problem with trying to tie things up is that mum was and still is a teacher. So surely better hours than most parents to be able to work around care arrangements. But still not around that much.
I remember doing the weekly shop with dad. Mum was always doing school work or talking on the 'phone practically giving blow by blow accounts of what was happening, per child. I always hated that, yet listened in to find out what she was saying. What else? A constant issue about my weight, yes of course. Going on health kicks with mum for about a day and then that changing. I remember losing weight when I was younger by watching what I was eating and then doing a lot of walking and running with friends, I felt good and normal. I was still given chocolate bars, etc. but I kept these in a box instead of eating them. I remember showing them to mum as if to say "look mum, I haven't eaten these, aren't I doing well" and she said she would take them and eat them. Right now I'm thinking that wasn't the best message I could have gotten...
I didn't mean to go into all that anyway but I suppose it matters as well. A lot of arguing, always. Ross was a bit of a trouble maker, always up to stuff, then into serious things. Fighting, drugs and once he had a gun. Which he showed me and I just told him he was stupid and to get rid. I flushed his drugs down the loo and told him to get a grip and did he know the damage he was doing to those he sold to? I also remember loaning him money all the time because of getting sob stories from him. Now I realise this was probably dealers after him or something else alien to me. So lots of him fighting with mum and dad. Mum and dad arguing with him. Ross smashing stuff up around the house. Me in my room, watching x-files, drawing, listening to music and singing my heart out imagining an audience in my own room saying how good I was. I was happy though to stay out of the spotlight with mum and dad and just go about getting through school and dreaming of moving out.
Mum always said I had a good voice, I was good at x, y & z. But it never felt sincere. Even now she'll say things like I have a wonderful voice, better than Lorna's - who is at Grade 8. Whose benefit is she saying that for? Never does she say it infront of Lorna, just to me but come on get a grip! I don't even want to hear that. Part of me thinks well if that were true then why not get me singing lessons, etc. when i was growing up? I'm not jealous of Lorna. Lorna went to ballet, singing & drama and all these things. Mum I think always felt guilty and was making up for the things we missed out on through Lorna.
We stopped have Selina living with us when Lorna went to school. I looked after her. I guess mum and dad were having money problems too because we moved house to a smaller house. That's when I became really aware of mum and dad arguing a lot.
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