I don't like to be inhibited when I write on here so I'm going to try and continue to be true to myself, my thoughts and feelings.
So many thoughts going on in my head, not too sure how to start this one off... hmmm... looking on the positives, weight wise it's coming down! I lost 8.5lbs last week, yes I am on track and on my abstinence plan. LighterLife is working for me once again now that I can stick to it. Before that it seemed like I could never get the groove back and return to the 'zone'. So, another class tonight and I'm hoping for another great loss, maybe not so big, I know, but at least going in the right direction.
It seems endless just now. So what I am going to do is put in a 3 month review slot with myself and check on progress at that time... lol sad I know but I am a bit of a weirdo and control freak so if that's going to work for me that's how I'm going to do it, so (after consulting calendar) that will take me to ... well actually, I'm going to do it in 14 week stints after further thought. So come 18th November, I will have 'weighed in' 14 times. It seems so far off, but when I think that we are almost at the end of August already, if I keep my head then the time should go by just as quick and i could do a lot of damage in that time.
Speaking of time going fast. I was so daft last year. About November time I was thinking, right by April I could lose x amount and all will be back in control... hahaha like that happened, come April I was well on the road to gaining x amount. Scary how fast the weight comes on, scarier still what i was managing to eat.
Anyway, after about 4 days of abstinence I felt better already. I had been getting these kind of chest pains and I was seriously starting to worry that i might just keel over... i guess it was just too much pressure around my chest. That's where the weight has gone from first I think. I certainly feel a difference anway. I feel more in control. I am not as out of control because that is how it felt. I couldn't control myself around food, if I didn't have any I would think up stupid excuses to go out and buy some, not some, loads. So I would rather be struggling like this in refusing myself the easy way out by bingeing. The alternative is too fearful. Do I never eat chocolate again? Never have sweet stuff I love again for fear that I lose all control? Only time will tell I guess. For now I am really trying not to think about the other end of this. I just want the weight off first.
Last time I loved the re-introduction of food part. I loved having a plain chicken breast even, it tasted amazing. I was so aware of all the rubbish they put into foods and could smell the nasties in 'junk food' for example. Sounds daft I know, but I could smell the oversweetness, etc. I want to try and get to the stage where food is fuel. Full stop.
What else is good? My clothes are getting looser. I feel more energetic already. I have more interest in things that are going on. I'm starting to, well, slowly slowly, feeling a bit more confident. But it's like as soon as I allow myself to feel that way and enjoy it, I regret and want to sink back into myself again. But suppose it is progress. When you hear about the 'fat people' it's all "jolly fat person" etc. Well that might be true on the outside, but a lot of turmoil and hurt goes on in the inside. I would almost say paranoia plays a huge part because to use me as an example here i can be talking to someone and be thinking all the time that the other person is thinking how "fat"/"disgusting"/"ugly"/"stupid" - take your pick, that I am. Doesn't matter who I'm talking to really, I like to jump in there and say the worst things to myself internally so that if they say anything it's not as bad. But that's a load of rubbish. It's worse. Not that that ever happens though... i just think it would happen. Oh dear..!!
The thing is, I can give the kind of advice to other people that I am trying to tell myself. But I pay no heed to it. I feel I am not worth anything and one day I will be found out and lose everything I have... now I know that's not true and rational thinking would tell me I'm being well and truly ridiculous. But that is my ever underling thinking. No matter what anyone tries to tell me i don't believe it, yes it sounds nice and yes i want to believe it but for whatever reason, my default setting if you like, is to feel unworthy, surplus to requirements and annoying/in the way.
I am trying so hard to stop all the automatic thoughts, it's just a hard thing to do. But I am beginning to recognise these as automatic thoughts which must be progress of some sort at least.
Anyways, must get on so will report back to tell of my loss tonight and see what other nonsense pours out of my fingers, lol!
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