Lost 4.6lbs on Thursday night.
Ate like a demon on Friday and continued it into Saturday too. Felt sick. Hate myself. Why did I do it? No idea. I knew it was coming though somehow.
It was all going too well. That's me almost hit the three stone mark so far.
It's like I want to punish myself and that's why I ate.
Not in a good place just now but really want to snap out of it.
We had rampant urgent sex last night and that felt good. Released a lot of pressure and agression I suppose that I had been feeling at myself.. replace food wants with sex now there's an idea..(!)Weird how my weight never interferes with that side of thing..
I can't stand my own thoughts just now so not much of a blog happening just now.
Tomorrow is the start of a new week. Today I'm back on the dust (LL packs) and will soon return to a safe place food wise. Can't wait. I hate this. Oh so negative today...
So plan for today is finish putting up curtains in wee one's playhouse, final tidy of house, force hubby into ironing (mwhaha)and then going out to the park with little un for a lovely long walk, wrapped up of course cos it's looking rather cold out there.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Nasty bugger of a husband has made the yummiest smelling food this weekend. Last night was roast chicken, with roast potatoes and roast parsnips (my all time fav!) loads of veg too. It smelled divine! Tonight the grubby little pooh head has made bacon and veg stirfry. OMG it looks and smells amazing. I am trying to train my smell into actually tasting, I have not yet mastered that, but live in hope!
But all is going well. No indiscretions, minor or major. Temptation has been all around and I have successfully resisted. I did the shopping yesterday all by myself. That is a major step forward too. Normally I spend too much and buy too much trash for myself... this time, yes, I spent too much(!) but on what we needed. Even if hubbie and I have a different understanding on what necessities are! He had complained that we had no biscuits in the house the other night... so I bought some. I picked them up, put them in the trolly and felt detatched from them, like they weren't real. Not for me anyway... I bought him five packets of biscuits... He just laughed and said one would have done. Maybe I am trying to feed him up as I can't feed myself up, lol.
I am really feeling the benefits of Ligherlife (LL) now. I have so much more energy and vigour. I had the week off work and have managed to get so much done and all those little jobs finished off that I had been putting off. Well, actually I still have the ironing to do.. but that can wait until later! My new jeans and tops that I'd ordered arrived. I am excited to say that I fit into the jeans! And the tops too! So that means I am down a jeans size and down a top size :-). In total I have gone from bottom size 26 down to size 22. Top size 24 down to size 20. My size 18 goal is moving closer. YEEHA
I read about this site called Moodscope. You fill in a questionnaire thing, takes about 5 mins every day. It keeps track of how you are feeling and should show a pattern after a while. I did it yesterday and again today. Yesterday I scored 20% which is obviously pretty low, my mood did indeed reflect that for some reason. Today it was higher, in the 60% region. I would love to learn if there are any patterns in the way I feel so I can maybe try to get to the bottom of the reason why I get so down sometimes. But alas I think it may take more than that to solve my problemos!
Anyways back to paying full attention to the new Robin Hood - I've been wanting to see if for ages and lovely hubby has just arranged it! Snuggles and film time :-)
But all is going well. No indiscretions, minor or major. Temptation has been all around and I have successfully resisted. I did the shopping yesterday all by myself. That is a major step forward too. Normally I spend too much and buy too much trash for myself... this time, yes, I spent too much(!) but on what we needed. Even if hubbie and I have a different understanding on what necessities are! He had complained that we had no biscuits in the house the other night... so I bought some. I picked them up, put them in the trolly and felt detatched from them, like they weren't real. Not for me anyway... I bought him five packets of biscuits... He just laughed and said one would have done. Maybe I am trying to feed him up as I can't feed myself up, lol.
I am really feeling the benefits of Ligherlife (LL) now. I have so much more energy and vigour. I had the week off work and have managed to get so much done and all those little jobs finished off that I had been putting off. Well, actually I still have the ironing to do.. but that can wait until later! My new jeans and tops that I'd ordered arrived. I am excited to say that I fit into the jeans! And the tops too! So that means I am down a jeans size and down a top size :-). In total I have gone from bottom size 26 down to size 22. Top size 24 down to size 20. My size 18 goal is moving closer. YEEHA
I read about this site called Moodscope. You fill in a questionnaire thing, takes about 5 mins every day. It keeps track of how you are feeling and should show a pattern after a while. I did it yesterday and again today. Yesterday I scored 20% which is obviously pretty low, my mood did indeed reflect that for some reason. Today it was higher, in the 60% region. I would love to learn if there are any patterns in the way I feel so I can maybe try to get to the bottom of the reason why I get so down sometimes. But alas I think it may take more than that to solve my problemos!
Anyways back to paying full attention to the new Robin Hood - I've been wanting to see if for ages and lovely hubby has just arranged it! Snuggles and film time :-)
Friday, 17 September 2010
I lost 3.5lbs last night. Taking my loss so far to a total of 2st 6.5lbs... I was hoping for a little more but 3.5lbs is a good loss and I am actually glad just to be losing weight.
I had forgotten the nice feeling of emptiness in my stomach. It feels good, no bloating, just a nice feeling. Not had too many cravings recently either which is good.
I was however on such a downer yesterday all day, even during and after my Lighterlife (LL) class. No real reason why. That's annoying that is, bad annoying yourself, can't do anything about it!
So, the class subject last night was about achievements. We had to list the achievements in our life so far and also the qualities that we had shown in achieving them. I spent a lot of time thinking, finding it really difficult to come up with anything. Eventually I started listing what I could think of:
Doing my piano exams up to grade 3, doing my music theory to grade 6; being the fastest typist in class, even beating the teacher; going to another job and doubling my salary; Getting married; raising my child.
I suppose the music one is pretty simply, I enjoyed it and was exposed to the piano from an early age. The typing was like that as well, it came pretty natuarally to me and I put the practice in and enjoyed it. I persevered and can touch type while daydreaming or whatever. The piano I fell away from, the typing stuck and worked well for me in my jobs.
When I left school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. So with a couple of months before college term started and I was going to decide what I wanted to do, I put letters into lots of Solicitors offices looking for work over the summer. I got a job straight away. I picked the job up really quickly. I went from being a typing 'pool' typist to working for the senior partner in a matter of weeks. I was offered a full time job. I was enjoying it, enjoying earning money, working, so decided to take it. A year or so later a move to the Procurator Fiscal's, that was good too. Again, very quickly I became a reliale and respected member of staff. When I went to leave, they tried to talk me out of it. However, leave I did to go and work for two Solicitors who I had known from my first job and were starting their own Firm. I was everything in that job, receptionist, PA, Office Manager and I loved it all. I met my hubby in the latter part of that job and he said I was wasted there and should aim higher... I was shit scared, I knew what I could do and wanted to stick at it. However, I did look and saw a job that I liked the look of... that is where I am today. It all worked out well and yes, I doubled my salary. However, to this day I am waiting for them to find out that I am not up to the job and waiting for something to happen...
Getting married. Hell yeah that's an achievement for someone who thought they would never ever do that. Despite the wanting, the dreaming of it even. But the belief wasn't there. I thought I was too fat. That no one could ever love me for me, the way I was. And raising a child... crumbs yeah that's bloody great achievement and one that gets harder and easier every day!!
So some of the qualities that were listed were: intelligence, kindness, assertiveness, determined, consistent, driven, resiliance, positivity, unselfish, supportive, bravery, self respect.
The other girls in the group said that the qualities they had involved being a good friend. Such as good listener, being there, good sense of humour and being a good friend no matter what. I got really upset when they were saying this. I feel totally the opposite. I don't have very many close friends at all and they seemed to have a lot. I know it's not a competition, but that really got to me. So I said so. That yes, I have friends, but few who get to know the 'real' me.
I also said a lot of the time was because I imagined what they must think and how they wouldn't want to be seen with me. That I wasn't worthy. They asked me what evidence I had for thinking that. I have a few. My brother never wanted to be seen with me, made fun of me. My mum and dad sometimes too, or so I thought anyway. I was bullied at school about my weight and friends, or who I thought were friends, would even join in sometimes or just walk away. So there you go. Ingrained for a long long time so not easily overcome...
Size doesn't determine who we are. One of the girls said about imagining living in a glass belljar. In that you can see everything going on, but nothing that is said can get through to you, you are protected by the belljar. Or for those more star treky, a force field around you protecting you.
So a lot came out of the group and a lot surrounding what helps our thoughts and attitude. Positive Mental Attitude. One of the girls starts each day by listing five good things about today. Don't have to be big things, the little things.
So good things about today: Woke up next to my lovely husband; wee girl came bounding through excited to start the day; got lots of cuddles from both; spent time with the Mothership which was actually quite nice!; doing some stuff in the garden. So there you have it, simple pleasures, doesn't need to be massive groundbreaking stuff!
What was really nice was that one of the girls thanked me for helping them out last week through my positivity(!) She had been struggling and last week I was practically buzzing so was able to pass this on to her and give her the inspiration to do stick to it and come along last night with a good loss. So that was nice to hear also. Couldn't have been more different last night though. Yes, I had stuck to LL, yes I had done well. However, I was just really down about it all. I suppose the change is sinking in and as much as sometimes I'm battling against myself to stick this out, sometimes it is very tempting to chuck it in and go back to the way I was. I guess I feel I'm missing out. But missing out on feeling crap about myself? Why is that conflict still there? It is so frustrating.
I have ordered a pair of jeans a size down from what I have just now. They are literally falling down if I'm not careful! Plus a couple of new tops because the ones I have are a bit too baggy and make me feel bigger than I am!!
I had forgotten the nice feeling of emptiness in my stomach. It feels good, no bloating, just a nice feeling. Not had too many cravings recently either which is good.
I was however on such a downer yesterday all day, even during and after my Lighterlife (LL) class. No real reason why. That's annoying that is, bad annoying yourself, can't do anything about it!
So, the class subject last night was about achievements. We had to list the achievements in our life so far and also the qualities that we had shown in achieving them. I spent a lot of time thinking, finding it really difficult to come up with anything. Eventually I started listing what I could think of:
Doing my piano exams up to grade 3, doing my music theory to grade 6; being the fastest typist in class, even beating the teacher; going to another job and doubling my salary; Getting married; raising my child.
I suppose the music one is pretty simply, I enjoyed it and was exposed to the piano from an early age. The typing was like that as well, it came pretty natuarally to me and I put the practice in and enjoyed it. I persevered and can touch type while daydreaming or whatever. The piano I fell away from, the typing stuck and worked well for me in my jobs.
When I left school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. So with a couple of months before college term started and I was going to decide what I wanted to do, I put letters into lots of Solicitors offices looking for work over the summer. I got a job straight away. I picked the job up really quickly. I went from being a typing 'pool' typist to working for the senior partner in a matter of weeks. I was offered a full time job. I was enjoying it, enjoying earning money, working, so decided to take it. A year or so later a move to the Procurator Fiscal's, that was good too. Again, very quickly I became a reliale and respected member of staff. When I went to leave, they tried to talk me out of it. However, leave I did to go and work for two Solicitors who I had known from my first job and were starting their own Firm. I was everything in that job, receptionist, PA, Office Manager and I loved it all. I met my hubby in the latter part of that job and he said I was wasted there and should aim higher... I was shit scared, I knew what I could do and wanted to stick at it. However, I did look and saw a job that I liked the look of... that is where I am today. It all worked out well and yes, I doubled my salary. However, to this day I am waiting for them to find out that I am not up to the job and waiting for something to happen...
Getting married. Hell yeah that's an achievement for someone who thought they would never ever do that. Despite the wanting, the dreaming of it even. But the belief wasn't there. I thought I was too fat. That no one could ever love me for me, the way I was. And raising a child... crumbs yeah that's bloody great achievement and one that gets harder and easier every day!!
So some of the qualities that were listed were: intelligence, kindness, assertiveness, determined, consistent, driven, resiliance, positivity, unselfish, supportive, bravery, self respect.
The other girls in the group said that the qualities they had involved being a good friend. Such as good listener, being there, good sense of humour and being a good friend no matter what. I got really upset when they were saying this. I feel totally the opposite. I don't have very many close friends at all and they seemed to have a lot. I know it's not a competition, but that really got to me. So I said so. That yes, I have friends, but few who get to know the 'real' me.
I also said a lot of the time was because I imagined what they must think and how they wouldn't want to be seen with me. That I wasn't worthy. They asked me what evidence I had for thinking that. I have a few. My brother never wanted to be seen with me, made fun of me. My mum and dad sometimes too, or so I thought anyway. I was bullied at school about my weight and friends, or who I thought were friends, would even join in sometimes or just walk away. So there you go. Ingrained for a long long time so not easily overcome...
Size doesn't determine who we are. One of the girls said about imagining living in a glass belljar. In that you can see everything going on, but nothing that is said can get through to you, you are protected by the belljar. Or for those more star treky, a force field around you protecting you.
So a lot came out of the group and a lot surrounding what helps our thoughts and attitude. Positive Mental Attitude. One of the girls starts each day by listing five good things about today. Don't have to be big things, the little things.
So good things about today: Woke up next to my lovely husband; wee girl came bounding through excited to start the day; got lots of cuddles from both; spent time with the Mothership which was actually quite nice!; doing some stuff in the garden. So there you have it, simple pleasures, doesn't need to be massive groundbreaking stuff!
What was really nice was that one of the girls thanked me for helping them out last week through my positivity(!) She had been struggling and last week I was practically buzzing so was able to pass this on to her and give her the inspiration to do stick to it and come along last night with a good loss. So that was nice to hear also. Couldn't have been more different last night though. Yes, I had stuck to LL, yes I had done well. However, I was just really down about it all. I suppose the change is sinking in and as much as sometimes I'm battling against myself to stick this out, sometimes it is very tempting to chuck it in and go back to the way I was. I guess I feel I'm missing out. But missing out on feeling crap about myself? Why is that conflict still there? It is so frustrating.
I have ordered a pair of jeans a size down from what I have just now. They are literally falling down if I'm not careful! Plus a couple of new tops because the ones I have are a bit too baggy and make me feel bigger than I am!!
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Not sure why I'm starting this blog, not in a very bloggy mood tonight.. but will see how it goes..!
Yesterday was great, went swimming again and not so self concious, even went to the upper area (involving having to get out of pool and walk up stairs to baby pool & spa... without too much persuasion at all. Hubby didn't even cover me! It was good. Really enjoyable and my wee girl is getting more confident in the water too which is great.
Today we went to see In The Night Garden live. It was actually really good! We parked in town and decided to walk to the park where it was taking place. 10 minute walk I was told by silly hubbie... it was a 30 minute walk and I was knackered by the end!! But I also enjoyed it. He said "we'll get a taxi back" but I wanted to walk back!! Shocked hubbie that did I think, lol.
Oh and crumbs alive, there has been mothership action a go-go. What follows are two emails. One from mothership and my response. Crumbs indeed but here we go..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mothership
To: Me & my sister
OK my girls
Please don't go off the deep end! I've booked two places on this course in the hope that you two might attend. Please check out the links and give it some serious thought.
I met X after one of her concerts a couple of years ago and have followed her progress since. She did a series of motivational workshops which were highly acclaimed. She is extremely entertaining, and, if nothing else, you'd have a bundle of laughs throughout the day! I hope you'd come away with a bit more than that, though.
I am so pleased at the way you two darling girls are living your lives - and this despite having a nut of a mother!
Allow me, please, to offer you something a bit different for a day - let me know asap. If you want to go ahead, I'll send your details on to and thereafter, you'll hear from her directly - I'm not attending and it has nothing at all to do with me - I haven't said that you are my daughters so it's totally anonymous.
I love you very much and I'm well aware of being a bit clumsy at times in the way I deal with issues among us. My intentions are pure though and I want nothing but the best for you.
My love to you always
Mum xxxxx
Mum,
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Me
To: Mothership
What makes you think that I would want to go to a course like this? I get that you have heard her and like her and I'm sure that this is something worthwhile for those who are into this kind of thing. It's also all day on a Saturday. I would rather spend the day with Simon and Ruby or indeed you and Lorna, or indeed down the pub!
Now, let me offer you some insight. Stop trying so hard. There is no need. Lorna and I love you very much. What gets to me is your constant (well intentioned) interference and over reactions. Something I know which has never changed... you may indeed remember being referred to as "O.R." when we were younger. Standing of course for "Over Reactor". Some things never change(!) However, Lorna and I have grown up and are ourselves adults now and need to be trusted to live our lives the way we wish to. Yes you are still our mother, but it is also your time to enjoy your life properly without constant worry, which is something you seem unable to let yourself do. You and Derick are married and happy so enjoy each other. Lorna and I are still here and will enjoy time more with you that is not about forcing things to go your way all the time, such as making us feel guilty for not going along to things, etc.
This is not me going off the deep end. It is about trying to get it through to you that I am fine. You need not worry.
Yes, I told you that you pissed me off. Here is why:
You were having Ruby for two nights. I asked for her to come home early when I spoke to you on the Thursday night. She was not herself and I was worried about her. You agreed and said you would feel exactly the same and would bring her home to me on Friday. I spoke to you on Friday morning, could tell you were trying to get me to change my name by constantly repeating the same questions and saying how well you looked after her (that was not in any doubt). You even asked if I was worried about her being around Floyd what with all the dog stories in the news. No mum. Not at all. Never entered my head (but perhaps another example of you making an assumption/being paranoid perchance?!) I was able to tell you the night before and re-confirm at that point that I was simply worried about her, she had not been herself and I would rather she was with me. End of. You agreed to bring her down and when you did you made it clear you had gone out of your way to do that and you were not happy about that. Now, in my opinion that is your problem, not mine. You agreed with me and said to me you would bring her down. At no time did you say otherwise. If that was not what you wanted you should have said and I would gladly of come up to collect her.
A couple of days before you had spoken to Simon on the 'phone and said how I had put so much weight on recently and was I ok. Not only was that going behind my back - you could have spoken to me about that yet didn't. Although we have discussed it in the past... So I told you that yes I was unhappy about you doing that and in fact the last time I had seen you I had lost weight, not put it on. So trying to reconcile what you had said to Simon and me on that Friday was hard to do. As you had in fact said that day I looked like I'd lost weight.
To mention only a couple of examples...
I say that not to hurt you, not to have a go, but to try and show you how your reactions and actions are somewhat unpredictable. Yes, you say you are only doing it through the best intentions but my goodness you have a weird way going about things.
Now, we're having a week off. Enjoying it. Going to see In the Night Garden this afternoon and have been swimming lots already. (Wee girl) had a fall upstairs and has a lovely big bruise on her eye and cheek. BUT WE ARE FINE! No lovely coffees in gorgeous little places that we 'just have to see' to believe, but still living the dream going about our day to day lives without any rose tinted angles or glasses or going to any great lengths, just enjoying. So if you phone to ask what we're up to and I don't tell you that we're setting the world alight with our antics, please do not make me feel guilty about it okay...
With that said, I love you. NOW CHILL THE F**K OUT.
I have left (sister) copied in. We have no secrets okay. (Sister) is 20, doing great and having a ball. For a 20 year old and 29 year old to be totally umbilocorded up to their mother still is a frightening thought and certainly not a reality. That is something you should be proud of yourself about not constantly worrying or fussing about okay.
While I'm on it, perhaps still being up at quarter to one in the morning is a factor into your tiredness? So take some proper time for you and enjoy your own time and not constantly worrying about us or whatever you worry about okay. We could of told you all the over the phone or in person but have chosen to reply through the medium of email.
You do not have to check up on me/us 24/7.
Rona
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you have it.
Repercussions... no doubt but it had to be said.... views welcome. Oh what have I done?
Yesterday was great, went swimming again and not so self concious, even went to the upper area (involving having to get out of pool and walk up stairs to baby pool & spa... without too much persuasion at all. Hubby didn't even cover me! It was good. Really enjoyable and my wee girl is getting more confident in the water too which is great.
Today we went to see In The Night Garden live. It was actually really good! We parked in town and decided to walk to the park where it was taking place. 10 minute walk I was told by silly hubbie... it was a 30 minute walk and I was knackered by the end!! But I also enjoyed it. He said "we'll get a taxi back" but I wanted to walk back!! Shocked hubbie that did I think, lol.
Oh and crumbs alive, there has been mothership action a go-go. What follows are two emails. One from mothership and my response. Crumbs indeed but here we go..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mothership
To: Me & my sister
OK my girls
Please don't go off the deep end! I've booked two places on this course in the hope that you two might attend. Please check out the links and give it some serious thought.
I met X after one of her concerts a couple of years ago and have followed her progress since. She did a series of motivational workshops which were highly acclaimed. She is extremely entertaining, and, if nothing else, you'd have a bundle of laughs throughout the day! I hope you'd come away with a bit more than that, though.
I am so pleased at the way you two darling girls are living your lives - and this despite having a nut of a mother!
Allow me, please, to offer you something a bit different for a day - let me know asap. If you want to go ahead, I'll send your details on to and thereafter, you'll hear from her directly - I'm not attending and it has nothing at all to do with me - I haven't said that you are my daughters so it's totally anonymous.
I love you very much and I'm well aware of being a bit clumsy at times in the way I deal with issues among us. My intentions are pure though and I want nothing but the best for you.
My love to you always
Mum xxxxx
Mum,
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Me
To: Mothership
What makes you think that I would want to go to a course like this? I get that you have heard her and like her and I'm sure that this is something worthwhile for those who are into this kind of thing. It's also all day on a Saturday. I would rather spend the day with Simon and Ruby or indeed you and Lorna, or indeed down the pub!
Now, let me offer you some insight. Stop trying so hard. There is no need. Lorna and I love you very much. What gets to me is your constant (well intentioned) interference and over reactions. Something I know which has never changed... you may indeed remember being referred to as "O.R." when we were younger. Standing of course for "Over Reactor". Some things never change(!) However, Lorna and I have grown up and are ourselves adults now and need to be trusted to live our lives the way we wish to. Yes you are still our mother, but it is also your time to enjoy your life properly without constant worry, which is something you seem unable to let yourself do. You and Derick are married and happy so enjoy each other. Lorna and I are still here and will enjoy time more with you that is not about forcing things to go your way all the time, such as making us feel guilty for not going along to things, etc.
This is not me going off the deep end. It is about trying to get it through to you that I am fine. You need not worry.
Yes, I told you that you pissed me off. Here is why:
You were having Ruby for two nights. I asked for her to come home early when I spoke to you on the Thursday night. She was not herself and I was worried about her. You agreed and said you would feel exactly the same and would bring her home to me on Friday. I spoke to you on Friday morning, could tell you were trying to get me to change my name by constantly repeating the same questions and saying how well you looked after her (that was not in any doubt). You even asked if I was worried about her being around Floyd what with all the dog stories in the news. No mum. Not at all. Never entered my head (but perhaps another example of you making an assumption/being paranoid perchance?!) I was able to tell you the night before and re-confirm at that point that I was simply worried about her, she had not been herself and I would rather she was with me. End of. You agreed to bring her down and when you did you made it clear you had gone out of your way to do that and you were not happy about that. Now, in my opinion that is your problem, not mine. You agreed with me and said to me you would bring her down. At no time did you say otherwise. If that was not what you wanted you should have said and I would gladly of come up to collect her.
A couple of days before you had spoken to Simon on the 'phone and said how I had put so much weight on recently and was I ok. Not only was that going behind my back - you could have spoken to me about that yet didn't. Although we have discussed it in the past... So I told you that yes I was unhappy about you doing that and in fact the last time I had seen you I had lost weight, not put it on. So trying to reconcile what you had said to Simon and me on that Friday was hard to do. As you had in fact said that day I looked like I'd lost weight.
To mention only a couple of examples...
I say that not to hurt you, not to have a go, but to try and show you how your reactions and actions are somewhat unpredictable. Yes, you say you are only doing it through the best intentions but my goodness you have a weird way going about things.
Now, we're having a week off. Enjoying it. Going to see In the Night Garden this afternoon and have been swimming lots already. (Wee girl) had a fall upstairs and has a lovely big bruise on her eye and cheek. BUT WE ARE FINE! No lovely coffees in gorgeous little places that we 'just have to see' to believe, but still living the dream going about our day to day lives without any rose tinted angles or glasses or going to any great lengths, just enjoying. So if you phone to ask what we're up to and I don't tell you that we're setting the world alight with our antics, please do not make me feel guilty about it okay...
With that said, I love you. NOW CHILL THE F**K OUT.
I have left (sister) copied in. We have no secrets okay. (Sister) is 20, doing great and having a ball. For a 20 year old and 29 year old to be totally umbilocorded up to their mother still is a frightening thought and certainly not a reality. That is something you should be proud of yourself about not constantly worrying or fussing about okay.
While I'm on it, perhaps still being up at quarter to one in the morning is a factor into your tiredness? So take some proper time for you and enjoy your own time and not constantly worrying about us or whatever you worry about okay. We could of told you all the over the phone or in person but have chosen to reply through the medium of email.
You do not have to check up on me/us 24/7.
Rona
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you have it.
Repercussions... no doubt but it had to be said.... views welcome. Oh what have I done?
Friday, 10 September 2010
from 18/7/10
This is a post from before I got into abstinence. I didn't realise but I'd left it in draft form... so probably from around 5/6 weeks ago I would guess. Thought I would publish it anyway...
So I can safely say that abstinence is not in place at the moment. But I am working on it, or at least eating 'normally'.
I am tryiing a new technique of eating in a specific place, not just anywhere!! So I intend to clear the ironing which is on the dining room table(!) and start eating up there. The idea being that I become more aware of what I eat.. and when I suppose. So far I have been putting this off, but will start today. I feel a little scared of this. Like I will be missing out and doing myself out of something.
Another thing that has occurred to me is that I am punishing myself through eating. The more I eat, the heavier I become, the more I struggle to do things, thus punishing myself. Maybe I feel I don't deserve to be slim and energetic? That's what I'm thinking just now because I am not enjoying what I'm eating most of the time, it's just a process I'm going through. How alien does that sound?!
A lightbulb moment on Friday when I saw my psychologist. She asked me what I was doing to care for myself, etc? I said I felt I didn't deserve anything and was putting everything on hold and only doing the necessities until that elusive time. What about exercise? Well we turned the spare room into my place. Put my rowing machine up there and exercise DVDs. So far, I have yet to go in there... I was reminded that even though I was heavier than I wished that I could still care for myself and exercise. That was a bit of a jolt - permission to look after myself physically!
The truth is I don't look after myself so well just now. Cleanliness is not the issue. It's more not doing things I enjoy. Prefering to stay well out of things than get involved. I don't want to be 'on show', it's so much easier to fall into the background. Hilarious when you think about it because you couldn't miss me because of my current size! Current, I'm glad I used that word, that means it will change. For the better.
I wish I could flick a switch in my head and change things straight away. I am really trying but it feels like a long process and things even I am aware of take a while to make sense to me. Everything comes in its own time I suppose, even rational thinking..!
Working through my 'issues'. Sounds so lame but I guess things that happen do have an impact on how I feel and go about my life now. So to think about them, and understand them in context and move on must be the way to go.
Here is an attempt to put it down on paper..
The memories I have of being young involve being with other people. Not my mum and dad really. Going away for a few nights with Granners when I was about 6, Ross came too. I won an art competition and was mega proud!! Staying over at friends houses. Them staying at mine. Going to the cinema with mum's friend & her children - more Ross's friends than mine. Then Lorna was born when I was 8, Ross would have been 10. I remember going to see her at the hospital and how happy mum was.
Jillian moved in with us as a nanny to look after Lorna and she looked after Ross & I too. When Lorna was about 2 she moved out and Selina moved in. Ross & I had gone to Selina's gran, Jessie to be looked after after school, etc. and now Selina was old enough she moved in and took over from Jillian. I was destraght when Jillian moved out as well as Lorna... I had a bond with her I suppose inevitable given I had spent a lot of time with her. I liked Selina too. Ultimately there to look after Lorna while mum and dad were at work, however, of course looked after Ross & I too. That seems really strange to me now. I suppose we had a big house and the room and a kind of 'nanny flat' so it would make sense for someone to move in. However, what I have a problem with trying to tie things up is that mum was and still is a teacher. So surely better hours than most parents to be able to work around care arrangements. But still not around that much.
I remember doing the weekly shop with dad. Mum was always doing school work or talking on the 'phone practically giving blow by blow accounts of what was happening, per child. I always hated that, yet listened in to find out what she was saying. What else? A constant issue about my weight, yes of course. Going on health kicks with mum for about a day and then that changing. I remember losing weight when I was younger by watching what I was eating and then doing a lot of walking and running with friends, I felt good and normal. I was still given chocolate bars, etc. but I kept these in a box instead of eating them. I remember showing them to mum as if to say "look mum, I haven't eaten these, aren't I doing well" and she said she would take them and eat them. Right now I'm thinking that wasn't the best message I could have gotten...
I didn't mean to go into all that anyway but I suppose it matters as well. A lot of arguing, always. Ross was a bit of a trouble maker, always up to stuff, then into serious things. Fighting, drugs and once he had a gun. Which he showed me and I just told him he was stupid and to get rid. I flushed his drugs down the loo and told him to get a grip and did he know the damage he was doing to those he sold to? I also remember loaning him money all the time because of getting sob stories from him. Now I realise this was probably dealers after him or something else alien to me. So lots of him fighting with mum and dad. Mum and dad arguing with him. Ross smashing stuff up around the house. Me in my room, watching x-files, drawing, listening to music and singing my heart out imagining an audience in my own room saying how good I was. I was happy though to stay out of the spotlight with mum and dad and just go about getting through school and dreaming of moving out.
Mum always said I had a good voice, I was good at x, y & z. But it never felt sincere. Even now she'll say things like I have a wonderful voice, better than Lorna's - who is at Grade 8. Whose benefit is she saying that for? Never does she say it infront of Lorna, just to me but come on get a grip! I don't even want to hear that. Part of me thinks well if that were true then why not get me singing lessons, etc. when i was growing up? I'm not jealous of Lorna. Lorna went to ballet, singing & drama and all these things. Mum I think always felt guilty and was making up for the things we missed out on through Lorna.
We stopped have Selina living with us when Lorna went to school. I looked after her. I guess mum and dad were having money problems too because we moved house to a smaller house. That's when I became really aware of mum and dad arguing a lot.
So I can safely say that abstinence is not in place at the moment. But I am working on it, or at least eating 'normally'.
I am tryiing a new technique of eating in a specific place, not just anywhere!! So I intend to clear the ironing which is on the dining room table(!) and start eating up there. The idea being that I become more aware of what I eat.. and when I suppose. So far I have been putting this off, but will start today. I feel a little scared of this. Like I will be missing out and doing myself out of something.
Another thing that has occurred to me is that I am punishing myself through eating. The more I eat, the heavier I become, the more I struggle to do things, thus punishing myself. Maybe I feel I don't deserve to be slim and energetic? That's what I'm thinking just now because I am not enjoying what I'm eating most of the time, it's just a process I'm going through. How alien does that sound?!
A lightbulb moment on Friday when I saw my psychologist. She asked me what I was doing to care for myself, etc? I said I felt I didn't deserve anything and was putting everything on hold and only doing the necessities until that elusive time. What about exercise? Well we turned the spare room into my place. Put my rowing machine up there and exercise DVDs. So far, I have yet to go in there... I was reminded that even though I was heavier than I wished that I could still care for myself and exercise. That was a bit of a jolt - permission to look after myself physically!
The truth is I don't look after myself so well just now. Cleanliness is not the issue. It's more not doing things I enjoy. Prefering to stay well out of things than get involved. I don't want to be 'on show', it's so much easier to fall into the background. Hilarious when you think about it because you couldn't miss me because of my current size! Current, I'm glad I used that word, that means it will change. For the better.
I wish I could flick a switch in my head and change things straight away. I am really trying but it feels like a long process and things even I am aware of take a while to make sense to me. Everything comes in its own time I suppose, even rational thinking..!
Working through my 'issues'. Sounds so lame but I guess things that happen do have an impact on how I feel and go about my life now. So to think about them, and understand them in context and move on must be the way to go.
Here is an attempt to put it down on paper..
The memories I have of being young involve being with other people. Not my mum and dad really. Going away for a few nights with Granners when I was about 6, Ross came too. I won an art competition and was mega proud!! Staying over at friends houses. Them staying at mine. Going to the cinema with mum's friend & her children - more Ross's friends than mine. Then Lorna was born when I was 8, Ross would have been 10. I remember going to see her at the hospital and how happy mum was.
Jillian moved in with us as a nanny to look after Lorna and she looked after Ross & I too. When Lorna was about 2 she moved out and Selina moved in. Ross & I had gone to Selina's gran, Jessie to be looked after after school, etc. and now Selina was old enough she moved in and took over from Jillian. I was destraght when Jillian moved out as well as Lorna... I had a bond with her I suppose inevitable given I had spent a lot of time with her. I liked Selina too. Ultimately there to look after Lorna while mum and dad were at work, however, of course looked after Ross & I too. That seems really strange to me now. I suppose we had a big house and the room and a kind of 'nanny flat' so it would make sense for someone to move in. However, what I have a problem with trying to tie things up is that mum was and still is a teacher. So surely better hours than most parents to be able to work around care arrangements. But still not around that much.
I remember doing the weekly shop with dad. Mum was always doing school work or talking on the 'phone practically giving blow by blow accounts of what was happening, per child. I always hated that, yet listened in to find out what she was saying. What else? A constant issue about my weight, yes of course. Going on health kicks with mum for about a day and then that changing. I remember losing weight when I was younger by watching what I was eating and then doing a lot of walking and running with friends, I felt good and normal. I was still given chocolate bars, etc. but I kept these in a box instead of eating them. I remember showing them to mum as if to say "look mum, I haven't eaten these, aren't I doing well" and she said she would take them and eat them. Right now I'm thinking that wasn't the best message I could have gotten...
I didn't mean to go into all that anyway but I suppose it matters as well. A lot of arguing, always. Ross was a bit of a trouble maker, always up to stuff, then into serious things. Fighting, drugs and once he had a gun. Which he showed me and I just told him he was stupid and to get rid. I flushed his drugs down the loo and told him to get a grip and did he know the damage he was doing to those he sold to? I also remember loaning him money all the time because of getting sob stories from him. Now I realise this was probably dealers after him or something else alien to me. So lots of him fighting with mum and dad. Mum and dad arguing with him. Ross smashing stuff up around the house. Me in my room, watching x-files, drawing, listening to music and singing my heart out imagining an audience in my own room saying how good I was. I was happy though to stay out of the spotlight with mum and dad and just go about getting through school and dreaming of moving out.
Mum always said I had a good voice, I was good at x, y & z. But it never felt sincere. Even now she'll say things like I have a wonderful voice, better than Lorna's - who is at Grade 8. Whose benefit is she saying that for? Never does she say it infront of Lorna, just to me but come on get a grip! I don't even want to hear that. Part of me thinks well if that were true then why not get me singing lessons, etc. when i was growing up? I'm not jealous of Lorna. Lorna went to ballet, singing & drama and all these things. Mum I think always felt guilty and was making up for the things we missed out on through Lorna.
We stopped have Selina living with us when Lorna went to school. I looked after her. I guess mum and dad were having money problems too because we moved house to a smaller house. That's when I became really aware of mum and dad arguing a lot.
Thursday, 9 September 2010
The class tonight was all about Sabotage. It was actually really good again. There were a different bunch of ladies there from last week but I knew two of them from before and only one of them I hadn't met. Still it was a nice wee group of us.
I lost 4.5 lbs which I am really happy with. It puts me 1lb off losing 2st in four weeks. Also, it puts me into a new stone so that lower stone again is getting closer and down and down from there.
Back to the class. The others were really struggling and I recognised myself in them so so much.
Oh actually, before I go on, I have to explain something. When I am doing my blogging there is no filter. It's as though my thoughts go straight from my head to here, there is no real thinking involved, thinking about what I am actually writing that is. I have a ridiculous ability of typing whilst day dreaming or lost deep in thought and that is what comes out. I am saying that because for the first time I have read some of my blogs back. It is scary to read back actually, but interesting to me and because I'm not concious of what I'm writing it appears to be more truthful and shows my bare emotion... if that makes sense. Particularly when I spoke about attempting suicide... I cannot believe all of that came out. Part of me wants to go back and delete it and try to delete it from the memories of those who may have read it... but that's impossible and it's true, it happened so I should face up to it and live with it.
Okay, so anyway, back to the class... the other three ladies were struggling. We were speaking about things that stop us sticking to Lighterlife (LL) and remain abstinent. One example was of passing a particular shop every day and the usual process of going in and getting something. Planning when and what to eat. Having a stash of food ready for when the opportunity struck. We likened it to addiction. Like being addicted to drugs, alcohol for example. That is what the behaviour of overeating is like. So, because I'm the only one in class who is sticking to the plan the LLcouncellor asked me to give an example of what I would do in that situation and what works for me... I remember the first time I did LL and I was getting the train to/from work every day. I was so proud of myself because I managed to walk past Costa without going in. There is a Costa at the train station. I would sometimes deliberately get a later train just so I could go in and have a hot chocolate and a muffin or something to eat. Imagine that. It totally disgusts me now to think of that, but that is what I did. So my suggestion. This lady drives past Tesco every night on the way home and there is no alternative route. Therefore, I asked her what she listened to in the car, radio or anything. She listened to the radio. So I said well why don't you take a favourite CD and sing along to that or get lost in it and because you are changing part of your environment, in what you are listening to and that being something you enjoy, hopefully that should make driving past it a little easier. Then once you have managed it once you feel proud of yourself and have the strength to do it again and again until eventually you might not think about it. Another girl kept takeaway menus in her drawer just in case. Throw them out... what's the worst that could happen?!
When I lived on my own, I realise that I had my own secretive habits. The going into different shops to buy things so that you didn't buy all your grub in the one place!! That whole caring what people would think... getting takeaways but being careful to alternate so that they wouldn't think you had it all the time... when a takeaway came to the door pretend there were others there to share it with you because I'd ordered so much... bloody hell. I was getting so caught up in the need to feed myself that I totally lost all sanity... Because I am not obsessed with food all the time, I am now realising even more what horrendous habits I had!
I also said that the more you make small positive changes, the less likely you are to go back the way. Yes, it is extremely hard but you need to want the change enough. The more you force yourself to change abruptly, the less likely you are to succeed. Sometimes it'll work, don't get me wrong, but for me it was baby steps. Getting through an hour, a day, then a week. But do you know what? Now I recognise that in certain situations I want to eat. That's it. Want. Not need. I recognise that the want is an outlet for an emotion. In the past the food would fill it. I can't do that anymore. Not if I want to sustain the losses, reach my target and maintain. Don't get me wrong, it's easy to say that but I really feel it. And that's the difference of getting back on track I think.
So the new deal was that was made with my matey at work was that if I were to lose more than 5lbs then I had to stick 100% to LL and not deviate in the slightest. So, I didn't quite reach that completely, off the mark by half a pound. However, I am still going to make that vow. It feels right and somehow maybe saying it out loud, putting it on here and thinking about it, I will be more concious of it if faced with temptation again or around the mothership! Oh, however, on a slightly too much information slip up here... maybe I have already slipped up on that promise as something non LL has already passed my lips... produced by my husband in a moment of pleasure shall we say... does that count?! Nah!!
Got the week off work which will be nice too. Have to go in on Monday for a bit but after that will be getting up to some good stuff. Going to see In the Night Garden live with my wee girl and hubbie coming too. Planning to go to the zoo as well and going back swimming... more nervous now than when I went swimming a while ago... but it will be good.
I am so aware of my body changing. I found my ribs the other night!! My tummy is really starting to feel 'empty' and my clothes are getting baggier. I tried on a paid of trousers the other morning that are a size down from what I'm wearing just now... okay they were tight, I couldn't sit down in them and had to lie down to put the zip up... but I will try again soon and see how progress is going!! My shoulders are getting more defined and my chest is really slimming down but I don't think my boobs are shrinking... really hope they don't experience too much shrinkage!! Still getting more energy and up for doing more which is good. I said to myself that I wouldn't mention exercise again on here until I'd done some, so I won't!!
Tried out wearing more make up too. Mixed reactions. I didn't really expect any really, but one said jokingly I looked like a slut (luckily he is just that type of guy and it was actually really funny!) and a lot of positive ones. Problem is, hubby prefers me with little or no makeup on!! But I guess whatever I feel comfortable with is fine :-p
I lost 4.5 lbs which I am really happy with. It puts me 1lb off losing 2st in four weeks. Also, it puts me into a new stone so that lower stone again is getting closer and down and down from there.
Back to the class. The others were really struggling and I recognised myself in them so so much.
Oh actually, before I go on, I have to explain something. When I am doing my blogging there is no filter. It's as though my thoughts go straight from my head to here, there is no real thinking involved, thinking about what I am actually writing that is. I have a ridiculous ability of typing whilst day dreaming or lost deep in thought and that is what comes out. I am saying that because for the first time I have read some of my blogs back. It is scary to read back actually, but interesting to me and because I'm not concious of what I'm writing it appears to be more truthful and shows my bare emotion... if that makes sense. Particularly when I spoke about attempting suicide... I cannot believe all of that came out. Part of me wants to go back and delete it and try to delete it from the memories of those who may have read it... but that's impossible and it's true, it happened so I should face up to it and live with it.
Okay, so anyway, back to the class... the other three ladies were struggling. We were speaking about things that stop us sticking to Lighterlife (LL) and remain abstinent. One example was of passing a particular shop every day and the usual process of going in and getting something. Planning when and what to eat. Having a stash of food ready for when the opportunity struck. We likened it to addiction. Like being addicted to drugs, alcohol for example. That is what the behaviour of overeating is like. So, because I'm the only one in class who is sticking to the plan the LLcouncellor asked me to give an example of what I would do in that situation and what works for me... I remember the first time I did LL and I was getting the train to/from work every day. I was so proud of myself because I managed to walk past Costa without going in. There is a Costa at the train station. I would sometimes deliberately get a later train just so I could go in and have a hot chocolate and a muffin or something to eat. Imagine that. It totally disgusts me now to think of that, but that is what I did. So my suggestion. This lady drives past Tesco every night on the way home and there is no alternative route. Therefore, I asked her what she listened to in the car, radio or anything. She listened to the radio. So I said well why don't you take a favourite CD and sing along to that or get lost in it and because you are changing part of your environment, in what you are listening to and that being something you enjoy, hopefully that should make driving past it a little easier. Then once you have managed it once you feel proud of yourself and have the strength to do it again and again until eventually you might not think about it. Another girl kept takeaway menus in her drawer just in case. Throw them out... what's the worst that could happen?!
When I lived on my own, I realise that I had my own secretive habits. The going into different shops to buy things so that you didn't buy all your grub in the one place!! That whole caring what people would think... getting takeaways but being careful to alternate so that they wouldn't think you had it all the time... when a takeaway came to the door pretend there were others there to share it with you because I'd ordered so much... bloody hell. I was getting so caught up in the need to feed myself that I totally lost all sanity... Because I am not obsessed with food all the time, I am now realising even more what horrendous habits I had!
I also said that the more you make small positive changes, the less likely you are to go back the way. Yes, it is extremely hard but you need to want the change enough. The more you force yourself to change abruptly, the less likely you are to succeed. Sometimes it'll work, don't get me wrong, but for me it was baby steps. Getting through an hour, a day, then a week. But do you know what? Now I recognise that in certain situations I want to eat. That's it. Want. Not need. I recognise that the want is an outlet for an emotion. In the past the food would fill it. I can't do that anymore. Not if I want to sustain the losses, reach my target and maintain. Don't get me wrong, it's easy to say that but I really feel it. And that's the difference of getting back on track I think.
So the new deal was that was made with my matey at work was that if I were to lose more than 5lbs then I had to stick 100% to LL and not deviate in the slightest. So, I didn't quite reach that completely, off the mark by half a pound. However, I am still going to make that vow. It feels right and somehow maybe saying it out loud, putting it on here and thinking about it, I will be more concious of it if faced with temptation again or around the mothership! Oh, however, on a slightly too much information slip up here... maybe I have already slipped up on that promise as something non LL has already passed my lips... produced by my husband in a moment of pleasure shall we say... does that count?! Nah!!
Got the week off work which will be nice too. Have to go in on Monday for a bit but after that will be getting up to some good stuff. Going to see In the Night Garden live with my wee girl and hubbie coming too. Planning to go to the zoo as well and going back swimming... more nervous now than when I went swimming a while ago... but it will be good.
I am so aware of my body changing. I found my ribs the other night!! My tummy is really starting to feel 'empty' and my clothes are getting baggier. I tried on a paid of trousers the other morning that are a size down from what I'm wearing just now... okay they were tight, I couldn't sit down in them and had to lie down to put the zip up... but I will try again soon and see how progress is going!! My shoulders are getting more defined and my chest is really slimming down but I don't think my boobs are shrinking... really hope they don't experience too much shrinkage!! Still getting more energy and up for doing more which is good. I said to myself that I wouldn't mention exercise again on here until I'd done some, so I won't!!
Tried out wearing more make up too. Mixed reactions. I didn't really expect any really, but one said jokingly I looked like a slut (luckily he is just that type of guy and it was actually really funny!) and a lot of positive ones. Problem is, hubby prefers me with little or no makeup on!! But I guess whatever I feel comfortable with is fine :-p
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
What a day. Very busy and went well but now I feel really flat.
Foodwise I had a bar for breakfast and then that was all until I got home, so until about 7pm that's all I had... and only about 1 ltr of water. Not like me at all. So that leads me to the conclusion that being kept busy means I don't feel hunger. Or I am so into this ketosis lark that I'm not feeling the hunger now. Who knows.
Why do I feel down though. Maybe I'm just tired. Had a laugh at work today but felt maybe I'd pushed it a bit far. It's strange feeling really comfortable with people and doing that and then something in me regrets it. I left myself open and vulnerable. So strange the way thoughts and emotions work.
Maybe it's because of what I was thinking about in my last blog and putting into words. I guess I don't really think about it a lot so it may only be natural for me to dwell on it a wee bit. Thoughts have a funny way of creeping into your head without you realising it. I've been lost in my own world a lot this afternoon, catching myself staring into space but not being able to put a finger on exactly what I was thinking about...
I'm still trying the 'Fake it till I make it' mantra but I'm having a bit of trouble with it lately. I feel like I'm changing and I was actually feeling good about myself, the way I look at the moment. Yes a way to go I know, but I was beginning to see that yes, I had lost weight and yes I was looking quite good. However, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw. And this is me improved so far.
That is not good thinking though. It is crooked thinking but the dominating thoughts nonetheless. Where or where is that switch in my head? I want to flick it so much and pull myself together(!).
Mothership wise, well she hasn't been in touch until today. Three whole days without contact(!). She left me a voicemail at work and on my mobile. Saying nothing urgent and she just wanted to see how I was. I quite frankly can't bring myself to speak to her at the moment. So I shall wait and see. I don't have the strength to speak to her tonight anyway.
So, in an attempt to pull myself together, hot bath, read of my book and a bit of a pamper session. Moisturise and nails me thinks. Then some husband love. That should hopefully re-balance things nicely!!
Foodwise I had a bar for breakfast and then that was all until I got home, so until about 7pm that's all I had... and only about 1 ltr of water. Not like me at all. So that leads me to the conclusion that being kept busy means I don't feel hunger. Or I am so into this ketosis lark that I'm not feeling the hunger now. Who knows.
Why do I feel down though. Maybe I'm just tired. Had a laugh at work today but felt maybe I'd pushed it a bit far. It's strange feeling really comfortable with people and doing that and then something in me regrets it. I left myself open and vulnerable. So strange the way thoughts and emotions work.
Maybe it's because of what I was thinking about in my last blog and putting into words. I guess I don't really think about it a lot so it may only be natural for me to dwell on it a wee bit. Thoughts have a funny way of creeping into your head without you realising it. I've been lost in my own world a lot this afternoon, catching myself staring into space but not being able to put a finger on exactly what I was thinking about...
I'm still trying the 'Fake it till I make it' mantra but I'm having a bit of trouble with it lately. I feel like I'm changing and I was actually feeling good about myself, the way I look at the moment. Yes a way to go I know, but I was beginning to see that yes, I had lost weight and yes I was looking quite good. However, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw. And this is me improved so far.
That is not good thinking though. It is crooked thinking but the dominating thoughts nonetheless. Where or where is that switch in my head? I want to flick it so much and pull myself together(!).
Mothership wise, well she hasn't been in touch until today. Three whole days without contact(!). She left me a voicemail at work and on my mobile. Saying nothing urgent and she just wanted to see how I was. I quite frankly can't bring myself to speak to her at the moment. So I shall wait and see. I don't have the strength to speak to her tonight anyway.
So, in an attempt to pull myself together, hot bath, read of my book and a bit of a pamper session. Moisturise and nails me thinks. Then some husband love. That should hopefully re-balance things nicely!!
Monday, 6 September 2010
Okay so lets bring you up-to-date with what's been going on...
I've discovered that being at home is not the best for me, at work I have a certain routine and rhythm that I follow which keeps me on track. At home there is more temptation around and more triggers... or people to trigger me rather! Take Friday for instance, at home, over the moon after having lost a lot the night before at my Lighterlife class. Mother comes around and we have a chat, she plays with my wee girl and that's fine. It is a little strained but nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until mum starts up.. first of all she moans at me because I asked her to bring my wee girl home a night early. She was staying with mum and that was fine, but I was a bit worried about her as she had a rash the day before so wanted to keep an eye on her. I spoke to mum and that was fine, however, when she gets to my house, it's a big deal... next she pulls out a powder blue jacket, very old fashioned and not at all my style... she bought it from ebay and she doesn't like it.. I should have it. No thanks I say, not my style. That is not good enough, she practically forces it on me. I stand my ground(!) and say no thanks and she goes into a huff. Next she says that I've lost weight... I do admit I didn't help the situation by saying I had the last time she saw me but she hadn't noticed then, in fact she had remarked to my hubbie how much weight I had put on(!). Well I should have kept my mouth shut!! She said that hubbie had picked her up wrong and she was talking about all the weight I've put on over the past year and she'd not brought it up with me before... yeah right, every time i see her it was all she could go on about, until around 2 months ago when i told her i wasn't focussing on my weight just now in an effort to have her leave off a bit. Suffice to say she pretty much left straight away all huffy and annoyed with me.
I felt like eating. Right there, right then. But I told a friend, I saw sense and I didn't. However, a few hours later it was still festering in my head and I saw my wee one's magic stars lying around, one goes in my mouth, two, three and then the rest of the bag. Then I go into overdrive and have two bowls of cereal, then super noodles, super noodles, hello I don't even like them! Super noodles and two slices of buttered bread. I stuffed it down. I tried to keep track of the feeling it gave me, relief I think, comfort perhaps. But I had to spit out the last mouthful. I felt disgusting. So full up, my stomach was acheing, properly sore and I felt so guilty and such a failure. Why or why do I keep doing this to myself. Hubbie came home soon after and I fessed up straight away, mainly because he took one look at me and asked what was wrong!!!
Behind me once again, Saturday and Sunday passed without any incident. I am now fully in work mode so I should be fine for the rest of this week and looking forward to my weigh in on Thursday night. I really need to give up the emotional eating crutch though. Amazingly I am very open with my lovely friend at work about all of this and he is great and suggesting other ways to look at it and other ways to cope. I know what makes sense, I know what I should try to do instead, but putting it into practise is completely different. It's like something comes over me and I turn into a sniffer dog interested only in what food I can get my hands on and into my mouth. No thoughts, no consideration to what I'm doing. Until afterwards. The regret.
But the good thing is it's not continued. And hopefully I am one step closer to finding a solution to my automatic instinct to reach for comfort from food.
Bodywise things continue to change. Some days I feel it more than other. Most recently i have found that my bum is shrinking. Which is a good thing, it's nice to see it getting less and less :-). I'm still finding more room in my clothes but not quite down a dress size yet. But I'm getting there. I'm feeling my hip bones and can feel my waist taking shape too. There is still a long way to go but I am making a start and it's nice to see that after just a stone and a half these differences are becoming apparent. Other people are noticing now too. It's nice. I'm enjoying it. Sometimes I want to run and hide but a lot of the time it's fine, I'm glad people are noticing.
It's nice to find out that not everyone is focussed on weight and they can see past that. I can't and I know that's bizarre, I should be more aware and more understanding than anyone. I am, but not where it comes to myself. I want to punish myself and make things as hard for myself as I can? I've asked that as a question because I truly do not know the answer to that one. But that's how it feels.
I'm going to see my lovely lady next Friday and I'm both looking forward to it and scared. I think she'll be pleased with me. I'm taking control and have made a difference and finally on the path to where I want to live the rest of my life at. She'll also probe me to find out my thoughts and feelings and I'll be forced to explore places and things I'd rather leave alone. Like the mum thing. What else though? Surely there is more to it than that? Yes I am scared of falling backwards of my bad days returning and things getting really bad. But that is not a constant worry. Not anymore which is good. It's progress.
Back then, the first time, when I was about 20, I was working all the hours, put every part of me into work and there was loads of it to do, never ending. That suited me fine. A good diversion for my emotions. Until of course I could cope no more that I completely shut down. Mentally, if not physically. I was concious of everything going on around me but I was practically mute. Would only pat the cats and totally retreated into myself. Took a lot of time for me to get better from that. But I did. Took going into a psychiatric ward and some electric shock treatment. Feck I'm being too honest on here now. About two months I think it took. Wasn't perfect, no way but much better. Loads of shit going on from my mum and dad, practically fighting every time they came to the hospital to see me. FFS even when I was like that, still the fighting. Had they no idea that's what I wanted to get away from? So there I was. Finally getting back to work. Feeling guilty as hell and crying all the time. Roll on two years and things weren't really better. Still throwing myself into work, still very lonely and confused probably. Lots of pills, I always remember being on lots of pills. Subconciously perhaps I was planning it, but I never felt that way, it seemed like a bright, if not last minute idea. I still remember, I was watching Titanic in bed. I had filled a lot of prescriptions and had them all lying out on the table. Unpopped. I had gotten into a cycle of hating myself, eating ridiculous amounts to make myself feel better. I had my cats. I could relate to them better than any other human being. Bloody hell. So, handful after handful in went the tablets until I eventually passed out.
Lucky to be alive. That's what they said. All I remember was being so upset that it didn't work. Didn't they understand the futility of life, how upsetting and numb my life was? So bad that I didn't want to go on any more. That's all I could think about for a long time in there. Days merged together. I got used to hospital routine. Slowly I guess I started getting better. I was allowed to go out. Home visits. Always to mums. Always still with the arguing. Mum and dad over what was best for me. I never said a word. Always went with what they said. They knew best. No actually, they didn't. It took a while, a lot of help and talk. Well no, not talk. That was something I still didn't really do. I couldn't talk about what was wrong. I couldn't put it into words. A lot of assumptions, upset because of parents divorce/treatment of me. Family life in general. Up until that point, in fact up until just a few years ago I would of told you that I had a 'normal' upbringing. But now I realise it wasn't. Loved, I think so. Put to the bottom of the pile though is an everlasting memory. Even still that rings through me. I have to challenge myself and the way I think.
Got a bit involved there... Not a lot of people know that about me. Some wouldn't believe it of me now. I have changed so much in many ways. But some of the original hurt and feelings are still there. Nowhere near as strong, of course not. But the unworthyness, the conditional love, foresaking my needs for others. So yes, a lot to work through. But I am at the best place in my life that I have ever been to start to address this.
I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who loves me for me. I have a beautiful wee girl who I am determined not to inflict any of this onto. A fabulous friendship starting to evolve through honesty and trust. I am sure there would be more out there if I just let myself go a bit and be more trusting. But that is a very hard thing for me to do. I guess not that unsurprising actually.
This whole blog thing is very cathartic. It's so strange to share so much but know not who I am sharing it with.
So I am focussing on getting the weight off. Trying to find an alternative to feasting on crap the minute my mum or anything else rocks me and makes me feel like crap.
Exercise. I am going to try and get into that.
Do you know what? It feels good to get all of that out. I'm sure to have missed things and there will be more, but for now that's enough. Hopefully you don't think I'm a terrible crackpot!
I've discovered that being at home is not the best for me, at work I have a certain routine and rhythm that I follow which keeps me on track. At home there is more temptation around and more triggers... or people to trigger me rather! Take Friday for instance, at home, over the moon after having lost a lot the night before at my Lighterlife class. Mother comes around and we have a chat, she plays with my wee girl and that's fine. It is a little strained but nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until mum starts up.. first of all she moans at me because I asked her to bring my wee girl home a night early. She was staying with mum and that was fine, but I was a bit worried about her as she had a rash the day before so wanted to keep an eye on her. I spoke to mum and that was fine, however, when she gets to my house, it's a big deal... next she pulls out a powder blue jacket, very old fashioned and not at all my style... she bought it from ebay and she doesn't like it.. I should have it. No thanks I say, not my style. That is not good enough, she practically forces it on me. I stand my ground(!) and say no thanks and she goes into a huff. Next she says that I've lost weight... I do admit I didn't help the situation by saying I had the last time she saw me but she hadn't noticed then, in fact she had remarked to my hubbie how much weight I had put on(!). Well I should have kept my mouth shut!! She said that hubbie had picked her up wrong and she was talking about all the weight I've put on over the past year and she'd not brought it up with me before... yeah right, every time i see her it was all she could go on about, until around 2 months ago when i told her i wasn't focussing on my weight just now in an effort to have her leave off a bit. Suffice to say she pretty much left straight away all huffy and annoyed with me.
I felt like eating. Right there, right then. But I told a friend, I saw sense and I didn't. However, a few hours later it was still festering in my head and I saw my wee one's magic stars lying around, one goes in my mouth, two, three and then the rest of the bag. Then I go into overdrive and have two bowls of cereal, then super noodles, super noodles, hello I don't even like them! Super noodles and two slices of buttered bread. I stuffed it down. I tried to keep track of the feeling it gave me, relief I think, comfort perhaps. But I had to spit out the last mouthful. I felt disgusting. So full up, my stomach was acheing, properly sore and I felt so guilty and such a failure. Why or why do I keep doing this to myself. Hubbie came home soon after and I fessed up straight away, mainly because he took one look at me and asked what was wrong!!!
Behind me once again, Saturday and Sunday passed without any incident. I am now fully in work mode so I should be fine for the rest of this week and looking forward to my weigh in on Thursday night. I really need to give up the emotional eating crutch though. Amazingly I am very open with my lovely friend at work about all of this and he is great and suggesting other ways to look at it and other ways to cope. I know what makes sense, I know what I should try to do instead, but putting it into practise is completely different. It's like something comes over me and I turn into a sniffer dog interested only in what food I can get my hands on and into my mouth. No thoughts, no consideration to what I'm doing. Until afterwards. The regret.
But the good thing is it's not continued. And hopefully I am one step closer to finding a solution to my automatic instinct to reach for comfort from food.
Bodywise things continue to change. Some days I feel it more than other. Most recently i have found that my bum is shrinking. Which is a good thing, it's nice to see it getting less and less :-). I'm still finding more room in my clothes but not quite down a dress size yet. But I'm getting there. I'm feeling my hip bones and can feel my waist taking shape too. There is still a long way to go but I am making a start and it's nice to see that after just a stone and a half these differences are becoming apparent. Other people are noticing now too. It's nice. I'm enjoying it. Sometimes I want to run and hide but a lot of the time it's fine, I'm glad people are noticing.
It's nice to find out that not everyone is focussed on weight and they can see past that. I can't and I know that's bizarre, I should be more aware and more understanding than anyone. I am, but not where it comes to myself. I want to punish myself and make things as hard for myself as I can? I've asked that as a question because I truly do not know the answer to that one. But that's how it feels.
I'm going to see my lovely lady next Friday and I'm both looking forward to it and scared. I think she'll be pleased with me. I'm taking control and have made a difference and finally on the path to where I want to live the rest of my life at. She'll also probe me to find out my thoughts and feelings and I'll be forced to explore places and things I'd rather leave alone. Like the mum thing. What else though? Surely there is more to it than that? Yes I am scared of falling backwards of my bad days returning and things getting really bad. But that is not a constant worry. Not anymore which is good. It's progress.
Back then, the first time, when I was about 20, I was working all the hours, put every part of me into work and there was loads of it to do, never ending. That suited me fine. A good diversion for my emotions. Until of course I could cope no more that I completely shut down. Mentally, if not physically. I was concious of everything going on around me but I was practically mute. Would only pat the cats and totally retreated into myself. Took a lot of time for me to get better from that. But I did. Took going into a psychiatric ward and some electric shock treatment. Feck I'm being too honest on here now. About two months I think it took. Wasn't perfect, no way but much better. Loads of shit going on from my mum and dad, practically fighting every time they came to the hospital to see me. FFS even when I was like that, still the fighting. Had they no idea that's what I wanted to get away from? So there I was. Finally getting back to work. Feeling guilty as hell and crying all the time. Roll on two years and things weren't really better. Still throwing myself into work, still very lonely and confused probably. Lots of pills, I always remember being on lots of pills. Subconciously perhaps I was planning it, but I never felt that way, it seemed like a bright, if not last minute idea. I still remember, I was watching Titanic in bed. I had filled a lot of prescriptions and had them all lying out on the table. Unpopped. I had gotten into a cycle of hating myself, eating ridiculous amounts to make myself feel better. I had my cats. I could relate to them better than any other human being. Bloody hell. So, handful after handful in went the tablets until I eventually passed out.
Lucky to be alive. That's what they said. All I remember was being so upset that it didn't work. Didn't they understand the futility of life, how upsetting and numb my life was? So bad that I didn't want to go on any more. That's all I could think about for a long time in there. Days merged together. I got used to hospital routine. Slowly I guess I started getting better. I was allowed to go out. Home visits. Always to mums. Always still with the arguing. Mum and dad over what was best for me. I never said a word. Always went with what they said. They knew best. No actually, they didn't. It took a while, a lot of help and talk. Well no, not talk. That was something I still didn't really do. I couldn't talk about what was wrong. I couldn't put it into words. A lot of assumptions, upset because of parents divorce/treatment of me. Family life in general. Up until that point, in fact up until just a few years ago I would of told you that I had a 'normal' upbringing. But now I realise it wasn't. Loved, I think so. Put to the bottom of the pile though is an everlasting memory. Even still that rings through me. I have to challenge myself and the way I think.
Got a bit involved there... Not a lot of people know that about me. Some wouldn't believe it of me now. I have changed so much in many ways. But some of the original hurt and feelings are still there. Nowhere near as strong, of course not. But the unworthyness, the conditional love, foresaking my needs for others. So yes, a lot to work through. But I am at the best place in my life that I have ever been to start to address this.
I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who loves me for me. I have a beautiful wee girl who I am determined not to inflict any of this onto. A fabulous friendship starting to evolve through honesty and trust. I am sure there would be more out there if I just let myself go a bit and be more trusting. But that is a very hard thing for me to do. I guess not that unsurprising actually.
This whole blog thing is very cathartic. It's so strange to share so much but know not who I am sharing it with.
So I am focussing on getting the weight off. Trying to find an alternative to feasting on crap the minute my mum or anything else rocks me and makes me feel like crap.
Exercise. I am going to try and get into that.
Do you know what? It feels good to get all of that out. I'm sure to have missed things and there will be more, but for now that's enough. Hopefully you don't think I'm a terrible crackpot!
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Over the moon!
I lost 8.5lbs this week! WOW flipping WOW!
It has made all the struggles and emotions worth it and giving me the push I need to go on. I realised that in class there is this woman struggling to get back into it, and it reminded me of me about 4 weeks ago or so. She was saying how she would be punishing herself by doing Lighterlife. But for me now, I feel like I was punishing myself with the foods I was eating. I am now looking after myself and feel so much better. Strage how the diet is seen as punishment but for me it's not really. It's a relief more than anything.
It has made all the struggles and emotions worth it and giving me the push I need to go on. I realised that in class there is this woman struggling to get back into it, and it reminded me of me about 4 weeks ago or so. She was saying how she would be punishing herself by doing Lighterlife. But for me now, I feel like I was punishing myself with the foods I was eating. I am now looking after myself and feel so much better. Strage how the diet is seen as punishment but for me it's not really. It's a relief more than anything.
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