The class tonight was all about Sabotage. It was actually really good again. There were a different bunch of ladies there from last week but I knew two of them from before and only one of them I hadn't met. Still it was a nice wee group of us.

I lost 4.5 lbs which I am really happy with. It puts me 1lb off losing 2st in four weeks. Also, it puts me into a new stone so that lower stone again is getting closer and down and down from there.

Back to the class. The others were really struggling and I recognised myself in them so so much.

Oh actually, before I go on, I have to explain something. When I am doing my blogging there is no filter. It's as though my thoughts go straight from my head to here, there is no real thinking involved, thinking about what I am actually writing that is. I have a ridiculous ability of typing whilst day dreaming or lost deep in thought and that is what comes out. I am saying that because for the first time I have read some of my blogs back. It is scary to read back actually, but interesting to me and because I'm not concious of what I'm writing it appears to be more truthful and shows my bare emotion... if that makes sense. Particularly when I spoke about attempting suicide... I cannot believe all of that came out. Part of me wants to go back and delete it and try to delete it from the memories of those who may have read it... but that's impossible and it's true, it happened so I should face up to it and live with it.

Okay, so anyway, back to the class... the other three ladies were struggling. We were speaking about things that stop us sticking to Lighterlife (LL) and remain abstinent. One example was of passing a particular shop every day and the usual process of going in and getting something. Planning when and what to eat. Having a stash of food ready for when the opportunity struck. We likened it to addiction. Like being addicted to drugs, alcohol for example. That is what the behaviour of overeating is like. So, because I'm the only one in class who is sticking to the plan the LLcouncellor asked me to give an example of what I would do in that situation and what works for me... I remember the first time I did LL and I was getting the train to/from work every day. I was so proud of myself because I managed to walk past Costa without going in. There is a Costa at the train station. I would sometimes deliberately get a later train just so I could go in and have a hot chocolate and a muffin or something to eat. Imagine that. It totally disgusts me now to think of that, but that is what I did. So my suggestion. This lady drives past Tesco every night on the way home and there is no alternative route. Therefore, I asked her what she listened to in the car, radio or anything. She listened to the radio. So I said well why don't you take a favourite CD and sing along to that or get lost in it and because you are changing part of your environment, in what you are listening to and that being something you enjoy, hopefully that should make driving past it a little easier. Then once you have managed it once you feel proud of yourself and have the strength to do it again and again until eventually you might not think about it. Another girl kept takeaway menus in her drawer just in case. Throw them out... what's the worst that could happen?!

When I lived on my own, I realise that I had my own secretive habits. The going into different shops to buy things so that you didn't buy all your grub in the one place!! That whole caring what people would think... getting takeaways but being careful to alternate so that they wouldn't think you had it all the time... when a takeaway came to the door pretend there were others there to share it with you because I'd ordered so much... bloody hell. I was getting so caught up in the need to feed myself that I totally lost all sanity... Because I am not obsessed with food all the time, I am now realising even more what horrendous habits I had!

I also said that the more you make small positive changes, the less likely you are to go back the way. Yes, it is extremely hard but you need to want the change enough. The more you force yourself to change abruptly, the less likely you are to succeed. Sometimes it'll work, don't get me wrong, but for me it was baby steps. Getting through an hour, a day, then a week. But do you know what? Now I recognise that in certain situations I want to eat. That's it. Want. Not need. I recognise that the want is an outlet for an emotion. In the past the food would fill it. I can't do that anymore. Not if I want to sustain the losses, reach my target and maintain. Don't get me wrong, it's easy to say that but I really feel it. And that's the difference of getting back on track I think.

So the new deal was that was made with my matey at work was that if I were to lose more than 5lbs then I had to stick 100% to LL and not deviate in the slightest. So, I didn't quite reach that completely, off the mark by half a pound. However, I am still going to make that vow. It feels right and somehow maybe saying it out loud, putting it on here and thinking about it, I will be more concious of it if faced with temptation again or around the mothership! Oh, however, on a slightly too much information slip up here... maybe I have already slipped up on that promise as something non LL has already passed my lips... produced by my husband in a moment of pleasure shall we say... does that count?! Nah!!

Got the week off work which will be nice too. Have to go in on Monday for a bit but after that will be getting up to some good stuff. Going to see In the Night Garden live with my wee girl and hubbie coming too. Planning to go to the zoo as well and going back swimming... more nervous now than when I went swimming a while ago... but it will be good.

I am so aware of my body changing. I found my ribs the other night!! My tummy is really starting to feel 'empty' and my clothes are getting baggier. I tried on a paid of trousers the other morning that are a size down from what I'm wearing just now... okay they were tight, I couldn't sit down in them and had to lie down to put the zip up... but I will try again soon and see how progress is going!! My shoulders are getting more defined and my chest is really slimming down but I don't think my boobs are shrinking... really hope they don't experience too much shrinkage!! Still getting more energy and up for doing more which is good. I said to myself that I wouldn't mention exercise again on here until I'd done some, so I won't!!

Tried out wearing more make up too. Mixed reactions. I didn't really expect any really, but one said jokingly I looked like a slut (luckily he is just that type of guy and it was actually really funny!) and a lot of positive ones. Problem is, hubby prefers me with little or no makeup on!! But I guess whatever I feel comfortable with is fine :-p