I lost 3.5lbs last night. Taking my loss so far to a total of 2st 6.5lbs... I was hoping for a little more but 3.5lbs is a good loss and I am actually glad just to be losing weight.

I had forgotten the nice feeling of emptiness in my stomach. It feels good, no bloating, just a nice feeling. Not had too many cravings recently either which is good.

I was however on such a downer yesterday all day, even during and after my Lighterlife (LL) class. No real reason why. That's annoying that is, bad annoying yourself, can't do anything about it!

So, the class subject last night was about achievements. We had to list the achievements in our life so far and also the qualities that we had shown in achieving them. I spent a lot of time thinking, finding it really difficult to come up with anything. Eventually I started listing what I could think of:
Doing my piano exams up to grade 3, doing my music theory to grade 6; being the fastest typist in class, even beating the teacher; going to another job and doubling my salary; Getting married; raising my child.

I suppose the music one is pretty simply, I enjoyed it and was exposed to the piano from an early age. The typing was like that as well, it came pretty natuarally to me and I put the practice in and enjoyed it. I persevered and can touch type while daydreaming or whatever. The piano I fell away from, the typing stuck and worked well for me in my jobs.

When I left school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. So with a couple of months before college term started and I was going to decide what I wanted to do, I put letters into lots of Solicitors offices looking for work over the summer. I got a job straight away. I picked the job up really quickly. I went from being a typing 'pool' typist to working for the senior partner in a matter of weeks. I was offered a full time job. I was enjoying it, enjoying earning money, working, so decided to take it. A year or so later a move to the Procurator Fiscal's, that was good too. Again, very quickly I became a reliale and respected member of staff. When I went to leave, they tried to talk me out of it. However, leave I did to go and work for two Solicitors who I had known from my first job and were starting their own Firm. I was everything in that job, receptionist, PA, Office Manager and I loved it all. I met my hubby in the latter part of that job and he said I was wasted there and should aim higher... I was shit scared, I knew what I could do and wanted to stick at it. However, I did look and saw a job that I liked the look of... that is where I am today. It all worked out well and yes, I doubled my salary. However, to this day I am waiting for them to find out that I am not up to the job and waiting for something to happen...

Getting married. Hell yeah that's an achievement for someone who thought they would never ever do that. Despite the wanting, the dreaming of it even. But the belief wasn't there. I thought I was too fat. That no one could ever love me for me, the way I was. And raising a child... crumbs yeah that's bloody great achievement and one that gets harder and easier every day!!

So some of the qualities that were listed were: intelligence, kindness, assertiveness, determined, consistent, driven, resiliance, positivity, unselfish, supportive, bravery, self respect.

The other girls in the group said that the qualities they had involved being a good friend. Such as good listener, being there, good sense of humour and being a good friend no matter what. I got really upset when they were saying this. I feel totally the opposite. I don't have very many close friends at all and they seemed to have a lot. I know it's not a competition, but that really got to me. So I said so. That yes, I have friends, but few who get to know the 'real' me.

I also said a lot of the time was because I imagined what they must think and how they wouldn't want to be seen with me. That I wasn't worthy. They asked me what evidence I had for thinking that. I have a few. My brother never wanted to be seen with me, made fun of me. My mum and dad sometimes too, or so I thought anyway. I was bullied at school about my weight and friends, or who I thought were friends, would even join in sometimes or just walk away. So there you go. Ingrained for a long long time so not easily overcome...

Size doesn't determine who we are. One of the girls said about imagining living in a glass belljar. In that you can see everything going on, but nothing that is said can get through to you, you are protected by the belljar. Or for those more star treky, a force field around you protecting you.

So a lot came out of the group and a lot surrounding what helps our thoughts and attitude. Positive Mental Attitude. One of the girls starts each day by listing five good things about today. Don't have to be big things, the little things.

So good things about today: Woke up next to my lovely husband; wee girl came bounding through excited to start the day; got lots of cuddles from both; spent time with the Mothership which was actually quite nice!; doing some stuff in the garden. So there you have it, simple pleasures, doesn't need to be massive groundbreaking stuff!

What was really nice was that one of the girls thanked me for helping them out last week through my positivity(!) She had been struggling and last week I was practically buzzing so was able to pass this on to her and give her the inspiration to do stick to it and come along last night with a good loss. So that was nice to hear also. Couldn't have been more different last night though. Yes, I had stuck to LL, yes I had done well. However, I was just really down about it all. I suppose the change is sinking in and as much as sometimes I'm battling against myself to stick this out, sometimes it is very tempting to chuck it in and go back to the way I was. I guess I feel I'm missing out. But missing out on feeling crap about myself? Why is that conflict still there? It is so frustrating.

I have ordered a pair of jeans a size down from what I have just now. They are literally falling down if I'm not careful! Plus a couple of new tops because the ones I have are a bit too baggy and make me feel bigger than I am!!