I may have to re-label my blog as "Self Destruct: Some More"

I annoy myself so much. Only yesterday I thought I had it all in the bag... had some things straight in my head. I did almost 2 full days of abstinence and then smack bang went shopping and bought the following:

6 x teacakes
1 x box of cookies
3 x choc bars

I ate them all. I fed my beast. I fed it big style.

My beast. What be that? Well, it is part of me that wants the crap food. That tells me constantly to eat. I know that makes me sound even loonier but that's what it is. Now, this whole split personality type thing is not a new thing to me. I have thought it for a long, long time. It is more than just an inner voice. It is much stronger than that. A force and not a force I can stand up to a lot of the time. My good friend talked about naming it the beast and that clicked with me and made so much sense and thinking about it like that lets me separate it from the self I want to become.

I do feel like two (or more?!) different people... at work I seem to have this self confidence that I can project to get things done. Underneath it's a different story. People like me I think, well know cos they tell me sometimes and show it, but I always think it's just for show, a front or something. I cannot believe that anyone would like me.

Now, after I recovered from attempting suicide, well not sure recovered, but thought about it, but in my stronger moments I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel so low, so neglected and insignificant that I would ever feel that low again. I am so angry at myself for not following that through. So quickly did I drop back into the rut. However, over the last few years I an feel that changing. But it's getting so far and then taking some knocks backwards!! But never that low thank goodness but that always scare the bejesus out of me. That is possible. But do you think that the more you think about something being possible that it becomes possible so may be a reality? So if you think positive you end up being more positive? If you act positive that rubs off on your emotions and psychosis?

Split personality is something I have always worried about. I always tend to mould myself around others expectations. That too was somehting I wanted to change.

I know that when I eat crap I feel crap and look crap and get fatter and more unhealthy. I do not want that. What part of me hates me so much that I do that to myself.