So I lost 7lbs last night. Very pleased with that. Starting to re-address the balance of putting on a shocking amount last week and will start to see that horrendous weight reading start to go down again!

I'm not sure where to start this one, I have so many things going through my head and not sure exactly how to get them out... Dreams, back to the weird dreams again. Very violent some of them. I think I must have this whole part of my brain that holds on to things I see in horror films or anything remotely scary and then summons them up when I'm dreaming. They always have 'baddies' and I always need to try and do something to help. Last night I was trying to rescue a teenager from their father who made them hold onto this length of rope all the time so he knew where she was. Even when she was out of sight, he knew where she was as he would wiggle the rope and if she didn't wiggle back he would try to kill her... Then I was in the office and this ex-employee came in and went into see my boss and then pulled a gun on him.. every time I tried to call the police they were engaged or said it wasn't an emergency... then we were all doing these classes but it said you were supposed to be naked while sitting in them... turns out I was the only one naked and everyone else was fully clothed and I was pulling stuff over me to cover up... And I could conjure up fairy liquid bottles from out of nothing and this was apparently what they needed from me... all very strange. Now I used to be really into analysing dreams and things but that was years ago and now they just confuse the life out of me!

I am starting to feel 'okay' with myself... if I don't know how to take something or get worried about anything, I can actually talk about it. Obviously not to everyone but to people I feel really comfortable with. My amazing friend is becoming somewhat of a guinea pig in that I can ask him anything without feeling like he'll judge or laugh at me... lol. It's really positive. Instead of over analysing things in my own head and coming out with the most absurd and wonky view on something, I can look at it objectively..

Apparently I am very comfortable and confident in my sexuality and I guess I hadn't thought of that before, but I suppose I am really. I know my hubbie loves me. Yes, we tell each other all the time, but it's not always words, it actions. Small things. We're so in sync. Know pretty much what makes each other tick and we're both very much into showing each other the love... ;-). I used to be so insecure about this. When we first met, I wouldn't even let him go near my boobs because I thought they weren't the way boobs should be or something equally bizarre.. turns out they're his favourite boobs ever and my nipples are normal even though I thought they poked out too much.. just goes to show everyone is different and what you might be worried about, someone else isn't... like seeing all the size 0s and thinking you should be that way... etc. Anyways, and lights were always out. Under the covers and I wouldn't like him to touch me much. But then, of course, he told me he loved me for me and my body didn't bother him, in fact he found it really sexy. That was totally alien to me. I was starting to think that he was the freak, not me! Of course he got turned on, his dingle dangler showed that. So it got easier for me. We could and can talk about anything. Now I like it when he grabs my 'love handles' (so much nicer than saying flab lol!) and he says he'll miss them when they're gone again. In fact he's making the most of me just now. Sure is!! So I am no longer inhibited in any way and that for me is a real breakthrough. And it's not always about sex. Sometimes just when we have naked DVD nights or something, it's being able to enjoy each other visually. Now yes more often than not that will lead to sex, but it's the whole being completely comfortable with each other that I love. Sure I still compare myself to other women and think he must like them so much more because they are 'normal' or whatever. But I can now tell him that and he just laughs and tells me to get a grip (of his mr wiggly more often than not!!) and that he loves me and that's it. Done deal. So yes, I suppose I am very comfortable with my sexuality but that has taken a long while to be the case. Even when I think people are making fun or me or saying yuck imagine having sex with her, I don't care because I have my darling who loves me for me wobbly bits and all. He wouldn't even care if I stayed this size, he just knows I'm not that happy this way and he worries for the years to come with my health. I never thought I would be loved when I was fat and he has proved me so, so wrong.

We were talking about ego states in class last night. I figure I am mainly in two states... critial parent or rebellious child... which probably explains my swinging from one extreme to another with the food!

Best actually go off and do some work now...!