The joy of exercise

Yes, it's true. I am actually starting with exercise. I have been to Curves, I have been weighed, measured, fat percentage taken, BMI, targets set, tears shed, sweat sweated and circuits completed. How do I feel about it? Flipping Awesome!

It has taken me so so long to take the small hard step of getting back into exercise and having done it, it now feels as though my goal is finally in sight.

I first started Curves 16/10/08. I weighed about 20 stone I think back then. By the February 2009 I was down to about 14 stone. So what I know, that's the past. However, it's the 30th of October 2010, I feel that in not a very long period of time I can make a dent in my weightloss. LL combined with Curves. The seratonins or whatever they are will be working well with my mental health too I feel. I am feeling positive yee haa, thank feck!

The workout was great. Curves is all women, circuit type training. The machines are hydrolic so you push yourself as hard as you can but dependent on the size you are. So you cannot overdo it really. The hydrolic machines are spaced with boards and when finished on one of the machines, you do a board exercise which is lower impact. You spend 30 seconds on each board. The full circuit takes you 30 minutes to do and then there are stretches afterwards. I was so selfconcious at first. Wore my trakkies and a tshirt.. and a cardi! A flipping cardi, but I was trying to cover my lumps and bumps! Half way through and I didn't care anymore, cardi was off and I was just getting on with it. Lots of different shaped women, big, small, thin, fat, and all doing their own thing. And of course the trainers, or rather encouragers, coming around egging people on. Good music on with a fast beat. I was concious of my lumps and bumps, realised that perhaps maybe I should shave my legs.... why do trakkies have to rise up your leg sometimes?!

I may have to re-label my blog as "Self Destruct: Some More"

I annoy myself so much. Only yesterday I thought I had it all in the bag... had some things straight in my head. I did almost 2 full days of abstinence and then smack bang went shopping and bought the following:

6 x teacakes
1 x box of cookies
3 x choc bars

I ate them all. I fed my beast. I fed it big style.

My beast. What be that? Well, it is part of me that wants the crap food. That tells me constantly to eat. I know that makes me sound even loonier but that's what it is. Now, this whole split personality type thing is not a new thing to me. I have thought it for a long, long time. It is more than just an inner voice. It is much stronger than that. A force and not a force I can stand up to a lot of the time. My good friend talked about naming it the beast and that clicked with me and made so much sense and thinking about it like that lets me separate it from the self I want to become.

I do feel like two (or more?!) different people... at work I seem to have this self confidence that I can project to get things done. Underneath it's a different story. People like me I think, well know cos they tell me sometimes and show it, but I always think it's just for show, a front or something. I cannot believe that anyone would like me.

Now, after I recovered from attempting suicide, well not sure recovered, but thought about it, but in my stronger moments I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel so low, so neglected and insignificant that I would ever feel that low again. I am so angry at myself for not following that through. So quickly did I drop back into the rut. However, over the last few years I an feel that changing. But it's getting so far and then taking some knocks backwards!! But never that low thank goodness but that always scare the bejesus out of me. That is possible. But do you think that the more you think about something being possible that it becomes possible so may be a reality? So if you think positive you end up being more positive? If you act positive that rubs off on your emotions and psychosis?

Split personality is something I have always worried about. I always tend to mould myself around others expectations. That too was somehting I wanted to change.

I know that when I eat crap I feel crap and look crap and get fatter and more unhealthy. I do not want that. What part of me hates me so much that I do that to myself.

Oh dear..

So here I go again. Learning the same old lesson again. Well no, obviously not learning anything really. I've been away down at the outlaws (in-laws) for a few days. We're leaving tomorrow... I had prepared myself in the way of LL that I could do my packs and have salad, meat and maybe an ickle bit of the liquid vino... however, in reality at the first service station we stopped at I bought some chocolate... not really starting off on the best foot eh?!

Then we had a chinease. Yummy scrummy in my (big huge) tummy :-( . But I did enjoy it. Just felt really bloated and yuck afterwards. Again, shall I never learn? So from then on it's been salads all the way for me. Pasta salad and prawn for lunches and salad and smoked haddock/chicken for dindins. Redeeming myself slightly.

I am desperate to get back into my LL packs. I didn't actually bring any with me which was probably my downfall... So anyway I am actually looking forward to getting home, starting back on the packs and drinking lots of water and packs.

Exercise too. I am craving the exercise. I really am. I want to go out for walks. I want to move I want to burn some fat really I suppose. So back to Curves I shall be going back to with a vengence. I haven't been for about a year. Back around 2 years ago I was so into exercise I was practically addicted. I want to get back into that. i felt ace. Slim, flexible and full of energy. So back to those days I must go. Finally perhaps starting to get it through my thick skull that eating myself into oblivian is never going to help me achieve that goal.

Also I have made a concerted effort not to feel self conscious, whih is extremely hard. However, my latest brain wave is attempt to be accepted / realise I'm accepted as me. Huge, fat (oh i hate that word) or whatever. Is it really only me who thinks all that about myself? Sometimes i start to think it is. But then I see a look or think I hear a far off comment and plummet to the lows of self hatred once again. The belljar. I must try to live in the belljar again and not let negative comments or anything get to me. Easier said than done of course though.

Take just now we are sitting around chatting and watching Strictly Come Dancing (I'm being slightly antisocial by being on here but hey ho!) I feel pure massive. i'm not really lightest I've been probably this year but where I've been eating 'normal' food the past few days my tummy has expanded, well bloated a bit... I'm having some vino and enjoying the family and chat. It's lovely. Once upon a time I never ever felt this way. Even when I was a skinny I never felt 100% comfortable. So I guess it's never about your size, but about the way you feel about yourself. Self esteem. Why do I have to wait such a long time until I get this way of thinking? HOWEVER(!) only when I'm thinking like this do I think that... once in a blue mooon in otherwords lol.

Been 'good' today. Had breakfast, no snacks and then a nice healthy lunch. Having smoked haddock and salad with new potatoes tonight so that's all in the healthy range I would have thought. However, I have been snacking a little when some other people were around so it's a total if I feel uncomfortable in any way I reach for comfort in the form of chocolate/cakes/sweet foods. Dumb ass thing though eh, after all this time. Anyways best log off and drink some more of the red wine, mmmmm!

Back on the LL wagon when I'm home and exercise aplenty too :-) Next post should include some tales of that!

It's like I can't do friendships. It works out okay for so long and then I go and make a tit of myself or interpret it that way and back away and just want to run for the hills.

I am so uncomfortable talking about this that I am typing this while my head is face down on the bed so I can't actually read what I'm saying. Therefore, you shall have to forgive any typos.

I want to pull into myself, I share so much and I love it and it's great. Take my new friendship that I'm loving and enjoying and totally feel comfortable in exploring. It's alien to me. I love it, it's truley enjoyable and feels so right, but it's strange putting trust in someone. In leaving myself wide open. Like on this blog. It's out there. If anyone is reading this and you actually met me and I knew you'd read this I would want to sink into the ground. But I love it too. Being so open and honest on here is such a breath of fresh air. It makes me feel at peace with myself about my thoughts and feelings and whys and why nots.My hubbie loves me for me and that is the first time I have ever felt that. Ever. I'm actually getting well upset writing that, because I know he loves me and I can feel it in the very heart of my being and the very roots of my body and heart. He loves me. He knows me. He knows pretty much everything and if he doesn't know something it's because that I just haven't thought about something for a while and then it comes up and he knows about it.l No holds barred. I never had that growing up. I was always very guarded. Always. Even with my parents. My brother and my sister. Feck the tears are dripping now. I dare not think about what I am writing on here at the moment. I can feel my fingers taking over and all this stuff pouring out and at the same time my eyes ar epouring with tears so I will continue for as long as I can because I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I am so messed up and why oh why I hate myself so much.

I told another friend at work that I hated myself. She caught me when I was feeling really vulnerable and upset and I am so shit at hiding my emotions it's unreal. So before I knew it I told her that I hated myself and I wanted to learn about me and why I felt that way. SHe didn't think I was a crackpot. She hugged me and told me I was amazing and the most loving person she knew. THat is just too bizarre. Too alien to me. I know I have his naturatl ability to make people feel at ease but I think that's because I don't feel that way myself and would hate for anytone to feel that way about themselves, the way I feel about bein g me because I hate it. In my darkest times, black dog, depression whatever the justification that we like to give ourselves is, I just want to disappear. I have this automatic self preservation thing that takes me over and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Away from everything I know. Everyone I know and start over. But that would not of course help anything because I would always be with myself and it is myself that I cannot understand and if I can't understand myself then how on earth will I ever be at peace with myself or at least learn to be happier and conent. It's the weirdest thin. I have been like this for so long that I don't know what is me, what is this darkness and what I actually want as an outcome. I physcally ache about it sometimes. Not for ages, years in fact but I remember the feelings so well so clearly and I am shit scared of ever going back to being like that. I know I won't. Deep down I know that another person couldn't love me if I was not loveable in some way. I have been with Simon now for seven years and known ihim for more like eight or nine so he's still with me. I no longer live in fear of him leaving me and realising that he hates me and wondering what the heck he was doing with me but my god it has taken me so long to come to terms with that. I have a child. I love and adore her and don't want her to go through any of the shit that I am going through. I don't even know if i'm putting myself through it or what,. I haven't cried like this for ages. It's actually quite good. Letting it all out and not having it build up inside me. I know if I didn't have my babes and my hubs that things would be so different.I would never of believed in myself. Never ever. Never thought any of this was possible.

My closest friend in the world asked me what it was that my mum had done that I cant move past. Can't forgive her for. I have thought about that for a while. Our relationship is so strained. But it has been for years and years. I have never felt truley loved by her. Always a carrot, always a stick. "If x" then "I'll love you" type scenario. I tell myself that it was really hard for her, her mum died when she was about twenty three or something. And was very ill for a long time. Maybe she wasn't mothered very well. But then I think of my little Rubles and how much I don't want anything to effect her. Even at a young age I don't think I was one hundred persent loved. Loved yes of course. But more of a possession maybe, sometimes an inconvenience. I would never get mum the same way. Okay I now know she is bipolar. THat is under control and she was diagnosed when I was about twenty two or something. However, she hasn't really changed since. in fact gotten worse. Mental health issues aside, mothering is surely an instinct and putting your child to the side because he or she is an inconvenience is surely wrong. Having limited memories of growing up and being happy is not right. Regardless off the mental state of the parent involved. Or maybe not. This is me just grasping and thinking on here. Even when she was 'normal' things were bad.

THat's it, I'm spent and can feel myself closing back up. Sometimes I think it would be great to be hypnotised and put under and for all this aggro and hurt and torment to come out of me. I just want to know what it is. I want to sort it. I have a good relationship with mum considering. But it's the 'considering' part I want to drop. I want to know what it is I can't forgive her for and maybe by rereading this at somepoing i'll pick something out of what i'm saying but it just seems so unknown.

Hopefully hubbie is now finished his yummy smelling food. I had to disappear upstairs in case the want took over and I knocked him out just so I could eat his food... well not that severe but you get the impression!

All the small things.

Yup that's what it comes down to. All the small things. The little things that add up and make the big things into big things. Not got a scooby doo what I'm going on about? Maybe I don't either but I'm trying to sort things out in my dippy noggin(!)

Where am I going with this? Well never have I thought my nicknames more apt... To some I am "Retard Rona". That is obviously meant in a nice loving way... seriously I know it is, because the maker up of that name is called "Jackass Jennifer" see what happened there, clever eh? Or not, hence the nickname maybe! The other one is "Dodo" quite often "Dumb as a Dodo" and I guess that reflects poking fun and a little bit of honesty too.. you see I can be extremely dippy and not always 'get' what is meant right away. Only when I think about it or hear the same message again, or talk to someone about it do I finally 'get' it. And by 'getting it' it is always open to interpretation.. my my such complicatedness. So much goes around in my head that I can talk myself in and out of pretty much anything which is pathetic but normal I suppose. I make such a doofus out of myself because of it though. But only to those I know and love and know and love me. Otherwise I bottle it for even longer and end up turning into an exploding nightmare or a demon psychotic psycho bitch.

So the old moral of my story would be shut down, don't talk to anyone, don't let anyone in and shrink back from what it is I am experimenting with and trying so hard to achieve. This moral and the one I am going to attempt to achieve is to do the whole "I said it, I meant it, I'm here to represent it" thing. And challenge the thoughts and challenge my attitude and relationships, however small or big they are. From the mega important to the everyday. Or is that wise? Oh dear, starting to doubt myself even now. I wish I could just bang my head against a brick wall, no, steel wall and re-programme myself into being as I was before anything had any input or effects into my thinking. But then I wouldn't be me and I like me. Yes, I said that, I like me. Almost loving me but I just wish I could shrug off the weirdness psycho babble that leaks out of me...

Take for example my 2 n half year old. I tell her she's gorgeous, beautiful for example and she accepts it. Agrees even! That amazes me, in fact astounds me. She is so pure and so natural and accepting. I guess I have a lot of experience of negativity and insincerity that is making me this way. I'm almost 30. I thought when you reached that age that as if by magic everything would make sense and I would be happy with myself, content even and all the shit would be washed away, like a re-birth or something. Well take that as a prime example of talking myself into something big, but with small thoughts over a very long period of time.

Do other people feel this way? I was always led to believe not but just recently I'm seeing differently.. maybe. What makes someone who they are and someone not who they are. That doesn't make sense. Erm, what make someone who they are, what shapes them and moulds them to be in the same circumstances even but turn out differently. Dramatically differently.

I am not going to go into too much detail on here because I do not have it all sussed out. Well will never have it sussed but I became aware of feelings that I was not aware existed previoulsy until recently and now I'm trying to make sense of them instead of shutting down like a hermit.

Conversly, during this last week I have been feeling a lot more comfortable about myself. My size, my whole being and attitudes and thoughts. WTF is that all about. I have been really confident in myself as well as being in a little bit of emotional turmoil!! *shaking own head in ridiculous disbelief at self* Oh dear!

I don't think an outsider looking in would know how I feel about myself. I have obviously developed a good 'front' that is taking me through but I want a completness. A wholeness and self sufficiency and love for me as me. Warts and all. Fat or slim. Stupid or sane.

Shit fuck want. Wee one just came in from outside. She was upset, so came in and we're giving her milk and getting her ready for bed. Overtired me thinks. However, the words "oh babes, what's wrong, do you want a chocolate cup" Freaking freak shows, that's not the answers to troubled times or unhappiness or anything really. Have I learned nothing? Obviously not(!). Luckily she is her own wee person and said "No, me full up". FFS she has more sense than her mother. Poor little rugrat!

I lost 5lbs btw. So one less than when I gained 11 goddam pounds.

My heart doesn't feel in this just now but my head is and it's telling me to persevere so persevere I must. I've got those size 18s to get into. By Christmas or else I'll beat myself up!

Body wise even though I'm still losing it's not playing the ball I want it to play. Yes it's coming off and yes it will come off into different places, however, under my tummy is getting sore again. It wasn't before and now it is again. Where's the sense in that? So back with the sudocrem :-(.

Still as long as my head gets me through this all should turn out okay. Emotions play huge parts and are in fact extremely important in enjoying the whole fullness of life but it's like I want to push them away just now. Just hunker on down and try not to let anything influence me.

So weird. Relationships.

Ah, there is nothing like the simple pleasures in life. Just spent some time with Rubles down at the beach. So lucky that it's only 10 minutes drive away. Yes, it was very chilly but we wrapped up warmly and headed out so we could leave hubbie with some peace and quiet to enjoy the Grand Prix. Throwing stones in the river and chatting about nonense, it was great. Been a while since me and her had done the stone throwing and I had forgotten how hilarious she finds it!! Then to the swing park so she could go down the slide and climb around.. great fun.

I was very naughty yesterday, decided to visit the DVD shop.. always a dangerous moove! I ended up with four blu rays.. one down and three more to go so far... hubbie pleased because it means he's had a very lazy weekend and can spend the rest of today on the sofa watching films!! I shall of course be watching them too but will be doing some ironing whilst watching them so at least getting something constructive done at the same time.

I need to keep myself occupied you see. If I don't my mind plays up and I think about food and what I'm missing out on. I am so abnormal. Why this obsession? It's so crazy and I live in hope that at the other end of this battle I won't give food a second thought unless I am genuinely hungry. Not just out of sheer gluttony...

So needing a little bit of focus back into my lighter life just now. Not to be suckered in by the lure of food. Seriously, if you could hear it shouting out my name and pulling me towards it like a magnet force you would understand my difficulties(!). Temptation will always be around. When I give into temptation I am taking a step backward and not getting closer to my goal. I need to remember that. I get so sneaky though. I feel the urge to eat when I know I'll be on my own, I catch myself planning it.. I am the ultimate secret eater, sneak snaffler. I would over indulge when on my own, even if not on my own I would sneak some snacks and have them.. wait for this... in the bath, hiding in the bathroom, you get the idea..! Seriously messed up.

So Christmas is approaching.

So I lost 7lbs last night. Very pleased with that. Starting to re-address the balance of putting on a shocking amount last week and will start to see that horrendous weight reading start to go down again!

I'm not sure where to start this one, I have so many things going through my head and not sure exactly how to get them out... Dreams, back to the weird dreams again. Very violent some of them. I think I must have this whole part of my brain that holds on to things I see in horror films or anything remotely scary and then summons them up when I'm dreaming. They always have 'baddies' and I always need to try and do something to help. Last night I was trying to rescue a teenager from their father who made them hold onto this length of rope all the time so he knew where she was. Even when she was out of sight, he knew where she was as he would wiggle the rope and if she didn't wiggle back he would try to kill her... Then I was in the office and this ex-employee came in and went into see my boss and then pulled a gun on him.. every time I tried to call the police they were engaged or said it wasn't an emergency... then we were all doing these classes but it said you were supposed to be naked while sitting in them... turns out I was the only one naked and everyone else was fully clothed and I was pulling stuff over me to cover up... And I could conjure up fairy liquid bottles from out of nothing and this was apparently what they needed from me... all very strange. Now I used to be really into analysing dreams and things but that was years ago and now they just confuse the life out of me!

I am starting to feel 'okay' with myself... if I don't know how to take something or get worried about anything, I can actually talk about it. Obviously not to everyone but to people I feel really comfortable with. My amazing friend is becoming somewhat of a guinea pig in that I can ask him anything without feeling like he'll judge or laugh at me... lol. It's really positive. Instead of over analysing things in my own head and coming out with the most absurd and wonky view on something, I can look at it objectively..

Apparently I am very comfortable and confident in my sexuality and I guess I hadn't thought of that before, but I suppose I am really. I know my hubbie loves me. Yes, we tell each other all the time, but it's not always words, it actions. Small things. We're so in sync. Know pretty much what makes each other tick and we're both very much into showing each other the love... ;-). I used to be so insecure about this. When we first met, I wouldn't even let him go near my boobs because I thought they weren't the way boobs should be or something equally bizarre.. turns out they're his favourite boobs ever and my nipples are normal even though I thought they poked out too much.. just goes to show everyone is different and what you might be worried about, someone else isn't... like seeing all the size 0s and thinking you should be that way... etc. Anyways, and lights were always out. Under the covers and I wouldn't like him to touch me much. But then, of course, he told me he loved me for me and my body didn't bother him, in fact he found it really sexy. That was totally alien to me. I was starting to think that he was the freak, not me! Of course he got turned on, his dingle dangler showed that. So it got easier for me. We could and can talk about anything. Now I like it when he grabs my 'love handles' (so much nicer than saying flab lol!) and he says he'll miss them when they're gone again. In fact he's making the most of me just now. Sure is!! So I am no longer inhibited in any way and that for me is a real breakthrough. And it's not always about sex. Sometimes just when we have naked DVD nights or something, it's being able to enjoy each other visually. Now yes more often than not that will lead to sex, but it's the whole being completely comfortable with each other that I love. Sure I still compare myself to other women and think he must like them so much more because they are 'normal' or whatever. But I can now tell him that and he just laughs and tells me to get a grip (of his mr wiggly more often than not!!) and that he loves me and that's it. Done deal. So yes, I suppose I am very comfortable with my sexuality but that has taken a long while to be the case. Even when I think people are making fun or me or saying yuck imagine having sex with her, I don't care because I have my darling who loves me for me wobbly bits and all. He wouldn't even care if I stayed this size, he just knows I'm not that happy this way and he worries for the years to come with my health. I never thought I would be loved when I was fat and he has proved me so, so wrong.

We were talking about ego states in class last night. I figure I am mainly in two states... critial parent or rebellious child... which probably explains my swinging from one extreme to another with the food!

Best actually go off and do some work now...!

Posting during the working day... eek never been more glad that this thing is anonomoys...!!

But I am feeling so good just now that I just have to record it... Bottle up this feeling and sniff it every day, lol.

I am well and truely back into ketosis, I have visited the wee wee place at least 5 times already today so that's a good sign. I am drinking lots of water and having my packs properly and no deviations of any sorts.

Short and sweet just now more later I'm sure!

Okay, so not the best of times recently... perhaps that is an understatement(!).

I eventually found my way out of my darkness around 9pm on Thursday night. Just like that... well maybe not 'just like that' but that's what it felt like. I can't feel myself delving into the darkness it just seems to creep up on me and then that's me. I don't really understand it. I guess that is why there are so many therapists/psychologists/pyschiatrists, etc. But come Thursday night I could feel myself snap out of whatever state I had been in.

I hate it. I can't control it and I don't recognise myself or what I'm saying even, doing until i come out of it. I guess therefore it is a good thing that I go into shutdown mode when I'm like that so not much chat comes out of me or anything. Hence of course the lack of blogging in that time also...

I have finally pulled myself together again food wise. One day of 100% abstinence and sticking to my plan. I have been fighting cravings all day though. I managed to voice this to my lovely friend and he basically said so what, did you give in? And I thought you know what, you're right. I didn't, I got over it and got on with my day... So good to say it, get it out of my head and deal with it.

The same amazing friend continues to astound me with his insight, patience and advice. It is so refreshing actually being able to confide in someone. Of course I have my amazing hubbie but sometimes an 'outside' opinion and support really helps. Well not sometimes, a lot of the time! After the whole Mothership storm his wise words are slowly helping me to get through my own thought processes and attempt to find out how I go about making things easier between us. I of course do not agree with him 100% (doh!) but a lot of what he says makes some sense and is challenging my thinking and even reasoning. So when I get to the right 'place' I'll maybe do something about that situation... In that vein, the Mothership left me a snappy message on Friday about how she was outside and where was I? Proper strop she was in too... I only listened to that message today (Monday) and haven't spoken to her over the weekend so I shall have to see how this one develops... perhaps a wee call to her to see how she is shall do the trick and hope there are no major words or silent treatments...

I have done something which I think might be really daft... I haven't spoken to anyone about this and just kind of did it. I thought about it last week when I was feeling down and wanted everything, i.e. to eat all the crap of the day but also lose weight or find the magic cure that will stop me from bingeing while on LL.. so anyways I made an appointment to go to this place where they weigh you and set you a target and give you these tablets which suppress your appetite or something or other. So anyways, I went, I got the tablets and had the consultation but the whole time I was thinking to myself what the hell was I doing there? Why would I do this, I know what I need to do and I can do it and I have done it and can do it again. But I was there, listening to the guff the 'doctor' was saying. I put doctor in quotations because I'm sorry but what doctor would just give me these pills without knowing my background, etc.? I know, my own fault for going along and making the decision to go but even still. So I have them. I haven't taken them though. I know that they are a bad idea. I would take anything that made me slim and happy but there is no such thing. The only thing I can do to get slim is take a healthier approach to life and exercise. The weight will come off if I do that. What the heckles was I thinking or is that it, I wasn't thinking? Oh dear god I am such a freak of nature...

What else? In the time that I've been feeling more positive about myself I have been liking myself a lot more too and been more confident in myself which has been nice. I hope that continues and I really hope I continue to feel like this, stablise out and don't feel so down again. But I know that the way I felt about myself was directly impacted by what I was eating, e.g. going off course and eating crap. So ergo, don't eat crap, don't feel like crap. So that shall be my working theory just now anyway.

Oh and I forgot to update on how I did at my weigh in on Thursday... reason being I did shit. Awful. Crappety crap. Well actually if you're goal was to put on a lot of weight then I did excellently, totally excelled probably anyone elses attempts...! I put on 11 pounds. 11 whole pounds. That's three pounds off a stone. 11 fecking pounds. 11 precious pounds that I will always remember not being worth it. At all.

They have to come off again and stay off and the rest of my wobbly bits need to come off too.

The funny thing is a lot of people are saying how great I look and that I've lost weight(!) Oh yes, I'm saying all the time stuffing myself!! So that has stopped obviously and I will not undo my painstaking work. That's what it is, painstaking and the pain of putting on and not losing weight is one of the worst feelings for me. It is going against what I want, deep down I really want. Allbeit I do the opposite and eat like a demon possessed sometimes, that is some weird internal self destruct setting that I have. Feck a doodle dandy I wish I didn't have my head to cope with as well as my body. No one said losing weight was easy but ye gads this is horrendous, a nutty nutjob trying to lose weight... wish me luck!