I am starting to realise that the only person who doesn't like me, is me... But that is slowly changing as I realise that actually I am quite a nice person. This is helping me cope with my size and thoughts about myself and perhaps will help my weight loss.

For a long time I have thought of my fat as protection. It allows me to feel protected and distanced from 'normal' people.

I had always thought people were just almoost humouring me by speaking to me or anything. But looking at things, perhaps a little more sanely, I can see that is wrong/crooked thinking.

I am married to a man who loves me for me. I have the unconditional love of my daughter. A family that loves me. Friends and colleagues that I am now starting to appreciate are being genuine when they want to spend time with me, etc.

Evidence against will always be my dad and brother. But I guess that is something I will always have to live with and try my best to come to terms with.

All in all though I am starting to like myself and let myself enjoy company and laughter without my negative invading thoughts telling myself different. Woo hoo at long last.

Diet wise? What I'm trying to diet? Really? Ah well, I shall have to try harder!!

But here is a little step forward in the whole accepting myself thing which I just had to record...

The joy of exercise

Yes, it's true. I am actually starting with exercise. I have been to Curves, I have been weighed, measured, fat percentage taken, BMI, targets set, tears shed, sweat sweated and circuits completed. How do I feel about it? Flipping Awesome!

It has taken me so so long to take the small hard step of getting back into exercise and having done it, it now feels as though my goal is finally in sight.

I first started Curves 16/10/08. I weighed about 20 stone I think back then. By the February 2009 I was down to about 14 stone. So what I know, that's the past. However, it's the 30th of October 2010, I feel that in not a very long period of time I can make a dent in my weightloss. LL combined with Curves. The seratonins or whatever they are will be working well with my mental health too I feel. I am feeling positive yee haa, thank feck!

The workout was great. Curves is all women, circuit type training. The machines are hydrolic so you push yourself as hard as you can but dependent on the size you are. So you cannot overdo it really. The hydrolic machines are spaced with boards and when finished on one of the machines, you do a board exercise which is lower impact. You spend 30 seconds on each board. The full circuit takes you 30 minutes to do and then there are stretches afterwards. I was so selfconcious at first. Wore my trakkies and a tshirt.. and a cardi! A flipping cardi, but I was trying to cover my lumps and bumps! Half way through and I didn't care anymore, cardi was off and I was just getting on with it. Lots of different shaped women, big, small, thin, fat, and all doing their own thing. And of course the trainers, or rather encouragers, coming around egging people on. Good music on with a fast beat. I was concious of my lumps and bumps, realised that perhaps maybe I should shave my legs.... why do trakkies have to rise up your leg sometimes?!

I may have to re-label my blog as "Self Destruct: Some More"

I annoy myself so much. Only yesterday I thought I had it all in the bag... had some things straight in my head. I did almost 2 full days of abstinence and then smack bang went shopping and bought the following:

6 x teacakes
1 x box of cookies
3 x choc bars

I ate them all. I fed my beast. I fed it big style.

My beast. What be that? Well, it is part of me that wants the crap food. That tells me constantly to eat. I know that makes me sound even loonier but that's what it is. Now, this whole split personality type thing is not a new thing to me. I have thought it for a long, long time. It is more than just an inner voice. It is much stronger than that. A force and not a force I can stand up to a lot of the time. My good friend talked about naming it the beast and that clicked with me and made so much sense and thinking about it like that lets me separate it from the self I want to become.

I do feel like two (or more?!) different people... at work I seem to have this self confidence that I can project to get things done. Underneath it's a different story. People like me I think, well know cos they tell me sometimes and show it, but I always think it's just for show, a front or something. I cannot believe that anyone would like me.

Now, after I recovered from attempting suicide, well not sure recovered, but thought about it, but in my stronger moments I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel so low, so neglected and insignificant that I would ever feel that low again. I am so angry at myself for not following that through. So quickly did I drop back into the rut. However, over the last few years I an feel that changing. But it's getting so far and then taking some knocks backwards!! But never that low thank goodness but that always scare the bejesus out of me. That is possible. But do you think that the more you think about something being possible that it becomes possible so may be a reality? So if you think positive you end up being more positive? If you act positive that rubs off on your emotions and psychosis?

Split personality is something I have always worried about. I always tend to mould myself around others expectations. That too was somehting I wanted to change.

I know that when I eat crap I feel crap and look crap and get fatter and more unhealthy. I do not want that. What part of me hates me so much that I do that to myself.

Oh dear..

So here I go again. Learning the same old lesson again. Well no, obviously not learning anything really. I've been away down at the outlaws (in-laws) for a few days. We're leaving tomorrow... I had prepared myself in the way of LL that I could do my packs and have salad, meat and maybe an ickle bit of the liquid vino... however, in reality at the first service station we stopped at I bought some chocolate... not really starting off on the best foot eh?!

Then we had a chinease. Yummy scrummy in my (big huge) tummy :-( . But I did enjoy it. Just felt really bloated and yuck afterwards. Again, shall I never learn? So from then on it's been salads all the way for me. Pasta salad and prawn for lunches and salad and smoked haddock/chicken for dindins. Redeeming myself slightly.

I am desperate to get back into my LL packs. I didn't actually bring any with me which was probably my downfall... So anyway I am actually looking forward to getting home, starting back on the packs and drinking lots of water and packs.

Exercise too. I am craving the exercise. I really am. I want to go out for walks. I want to move I want to burn some fat really I suppose. So back to Curves I shall be going back to with a vengence. I haven't been for about a year. Back around 2 years ago I was so into exercise I was practically addicted. I want to get back into that. i felt ace. Slim, flexible and full of energy. So back to those days I must go. Finally perhaps starting to get it through my thick skull that eating myself into oblivian is never going to help me achieve that goal.

Also I have made a concerted effort not to feel self conscious, whih is extremely hard. However, my latest brain wave is attempt to be accepted / realise I'm accepted as me. Huge, fat (oh i hate that word) or whatever. Is it really only me who thinks all that about myself? Sometimes i start to think it is. But then I see a look or think I hear a far off comment and plummet to the lows of self hatred once again. The belljar. I must try to live in the belljar again and not let negative comments or anything get to me. Easier said than done of course though.

Take just now we are sitting around chatting and watching Strictly Come Dancing (I'm being slightly antisocial by being on here but hey ho!) I feel pure massive. i'm not really lightest I've been probably this year but where I've been eating 'normal' food the past few days my tummy has expanded, well bloated a bit... I'm having some vino and enjoying the family and chat. It's lovely. Once upon a time I never ever felt this way. Even when I was a skinny I never felt 100% comfortable. So I guess it's never about your size, but about the way you feel about yourself. Self esteem. Why do I have to wait such a long time until I get this way of thinking? HOWEVER(!) only when I'm thinking like this do I think that... once in a blue mooon in otherwords lol.

Been 'good' today. Had breakfast, no snacks and then a nice healthy lunch. Having smoked haddock and salad with new potatoes tonight so that's all in the healthy range I would have thought. However, I have been snacking a little when some other people were around so it's a total if I feel uncomfortable in any way I reach for comfort in the form of chocolate/cakes/sweet foods. Dumb ass thing though eh, after all this time. Anyways best log off and drink some more of the red wine, mmmmm!

Back on the LL wagon when I'm home and exercise aplenty too :-) Next post should include some tales of that!

It's like I can't do friendships. It works out okay for so long and then I go and make a tit of myself or interpret it that way and back away and just want to run for the hills.

I am so uncomfortable talking about this that I am typing this while my head is face down on the bed so I can't actually read what I'm saying. Therefore, you shall have to forgive any typos.

I want to pull into myself, I share so much and I love it and it's great. Take my new friendship that I'm loving and enjoying and totally feel comfortable in exploring. It's alien to me. I love it, it's truley enjoyable and feels so right, but it's strange putting trust in someone. In leaving myself wide open. Like on this blog. It's out there. If anyone is reading this and you actually met me and I knew you'd read this I would want to sink into the ground. But I love it too. Being so open and honest on here is such a breath of fresh air. It makes me feel at peace with myself about my thoughts and feelings and whys and why nots.My hubbie loves me for me and that is the first time I have ever felt that. Ever. I'm actually getting well upset writing that, because I know he loves me and I can feel it in the very heart of my being and the very roots of my body and heart. He loves me. He knows me. He knows pretty much everything and if he doesn't know something it's because that I just haven't thought about something for a while and then it comes up and he knows about it.l No holds barred. I never had that growing up. I was always very guarded. Always. Even with my parents. My brother and my sister. Feck the tears are dripping now. I dare not think about what I am writing on here at the moment. I can feel my fingers taking over and all this stuff pouring out and at the same time my eyes ar epouring with tears so I will continue for as long as I can because I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I am so messed up and why oh why I hate myself so much.

I told another friend at work that I hated myself. She caught me when I was feeling really vulnerable and upset and I am so shit at hiding my emotions it's unreal. So before I knew it I told her that I hated myself and I wanted to learn about me and why I felt that way. SHe didn't think I was a crackpot. She hugged me and told me I was amazing and the most loving person she knew. THat is just too bizarre. Too alien to me. I know I have his naturatl ability to make people feel at ease but I think that's because I don't feel that way myself and would hate for anytone to feel that way about themselves, the way I feel about bein g me because I hate it. In my darkest times, black dog, depression whatever the justification that we like to give ourselves is, I just want to disappear. I have this automatic self preservation thing that takes me over and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Away from everything I know. Everyone I know and start over. But that would not of course help anything because I would always be with myself and it is myself that I cannot understand and if I can't understand myself then how on earth will I ever be at peace with myself or at least learn to be happier and conent. It's the weirdest thin. I have been like this for so long that I don't know what is me, what is this darkness and what I actually want as an outcome. I physcally ache about it sometimes. Not for ages, years in fact but I remember the feelings so well so clearly and I am shit scared of ever going back to being like that. I know I won't. Deep down I know that another person couldn't love me if I was not loveable in some way. I have been with Simon now for seven years and known ihim for more like eight or nine so he's still with me. I no longer live in fear of him leaving me and realising that he hates me and wondering what the heck he was doing with me but my god it has taken me so long to come to terms with that. I have a child. I love and adore her and don't want her to go through any of the shit that I am going through. I don't even know if i'm putting myself through it or what,. I haven't cried like this for ages. It's actually quite good. Letting it all out and not having it build up inside me. I know if I didn't have my babes and my hubs that things would be so different.I would never of believed in myself. Never ever. Never thought any of this was possible.

My closest friend in the world asked me what it was that my mum had done that I cant move past. Can't forgive her for. I have thought about that for a while. Our relationship is so strained. But it has been for years and years. I have never felt truley loved by her. Always a carrot, always a stick. "If x" then "I'll love you" type scenario. I tell myself that it was really hard for her, her mum died when she was about twenty three or something. And was very ill for a long time. Maybe she wasn't mothered very well. But then I think of my little Rubles and how much I don't want anything to effect her. Even at a young age I don't think I was one hundred persent loved. Loved yes of course. But more of a possession maybe, sometimes an inconvenience. I would never get mum the same way. Okay I now know she is bipolar. THat is under control and she was diagnosed when I was about twenty two or something. However, she hasn't really changed since. in fact gotten worse. Mental health issues aside, mothering is surely an instinct and putting your child to the side because he or she is an inconvenience is surely wrong. Having limited memories of growing up and being happy is not right. Regardless off the mental state of the parent involved. Or maybe not. This is me just grasping and thinking on here. Even when she was 'normal' things were bad.

THat's it, I'm spent and can feel myself closing back up. Sometimes I think it would be great to be hypnotised and put under and for all this aggro and hurt and torment to come out of me. I just want to know what it is. I want to sort it. I have a good relationship with mum considering. But it's the 'considering' part I want to drop. I want to know what it is I can't forgive her for and maybe by rereading this at somepoing i'll pick something out of what i'm saying but it just seems so unknown.

Hopefully hubbie is now finished his yummy smelling food. I had to disappear upstairs in case the want took over and I knocked him out just so I could eat his food... well not that severe but you get the impression!

All the small things.

Yup that's what it comes down to. All the small things. The little things that add up and make the big things into big things. Not got a scooby doo what I'm going on about? Maybe I don't either but I'm trying to sort things out in my dippy noggin(!)

Where am I going with this? Well never have I thought my nicknames more apt... To some I am "Retard Rona". That is obviously meant in a nice loving way... seriously I know it is, because the maker up of that name is called "Jackass Jennifer" see what happened there, clever eh? Or not, hence the nickname maybe! The other one is "Dodo" quite often "Dumb as a Dodo" and I guess that reflects poking fun and a little bit of honesty too.. you see I can be extremely dippy and not always 'get' what is meant right away. Only when I think about it or hear the same message again, or talk to someone about it do I finally 'get' it. And by 'getting it' it is always open to interpretation.. my my such complicatedness. So much goes around in my head that I can talk myself in and out of pretty much anything which is pathetic but normal I suppose. I make such a doofus out of myself because of it though. But only to those I know and love and know and love me. Otherwise I bottle it for even longer and end up turning into an exploding nightmare or a demon psychotic psycho bitch.

So the old moral of my story would be shut down, don't talk to anyone, don't let anyone in and shrink back from what it is I am experimenting with and trying so hard to achieve. This moral and the one I am going to attempt to achieve is to do the whole "I said it, I meant it, I'm here to represent it" thing. And challenge the thoughts and challenge my attitude and relationships, however small or big they are. From the mega important to the everyday. Or is that wise? Oh dear, starting to doubt myself even now. I wish I could just bang my head against a brick wall, no, steel wall and re-programme myself into being as I was before anything had any input or effects into my thinking. But then I wouldn't be me and I like me. Yes, I said that, I like me. Almost loving me but I just wish I could shrug off the weirdness psycho babble that leaks out of me...

Take for example my 2 n half year old. I tell her she's gorgeous, beautiful for example and she accepts it. Agrees even! That amazes me, in fact astounds me. She is so pure and so natural and accepting. I guess I have a lot of experience of negativity and insincerity that is making me this way. I'm almost 30. I thought when you reached that age that as if by magic everything would make sense and I would be happy with myself, content even and all the shit would be washed away, like a re-birth or something. Well take that as a prime example of talking myself into something big, but with small thoughts over a very long period of time.

Do other people feel this way? I was always led to believe not but just recently I'm seeing differently.. maybe. What makes someone who they are and someone not who they are. That doesn't make sense. Erm, what make someone who they are, what shapes them and moulds them to be in the same circumstances even but turn out differently. Dramatically differently.

I am not going to go into too much detail on here because I do not have it all sussed out. Well will never have it sussed but I became aware of feelings that I was not aware existed previoulsy until recently and now I'm trying to make sense of them instead of shutting down like a hermit.

Conversly, during this last week I have been feeling a lot more comfortable about myself. My size, my whole being and attitudes and thoughts. WTF is that all about. I have been really confident in myself as well as being in a little bit of emotional turmoil!! *shaking own head in ridiculous disbelief at self* Oh dear!

I don't think an outsider looking in would know how I feel about myself. I have obviously developed a good 'front' that is taking me through but I want a completness. A wholeness and self sufficiency and love for me as me. Warts and all. Fat or slim. Stupid or sane.

Shit fuck want. Wee one just came in from outside. She was upset, so came in and we're giving her milk and getting her ready for bed. Overtired me thinks. However, the words "oh babes, what's wrong, do you want a chocolate cup" Freaking freak shows, that's not the answers to troubled times or unhappiness or anything really. Have I learned nothing? Obviously not(!). Luckily she is her own wee person and said "No, me full up". FFS she has more sense than her mother. Poor little rugrat!

I lost 5lbs btw. So one less than when I gained 11 goddam pounds.

My heart doesn't feel in this just now but my head is and it's telling me to persevere so persevere I must. I've got those size 18s to get into. By Christmas or else I'll beat myself up!

Body wise even though I'm still losing it's not playing the ball I want it to play. Yes it's coming off and yes it will come off into different places, however, under my tummy is getting sore again. It wasn't before and now it is again. Where's the sense in that? So back with the sudocrem :-(.

Still as long as my head gets me through this all should turn out okay. Emotions play huge parts and are in fact extremely important in enjoying the whole fullness of life but it's like I want to push them away just now. Just hunker on down and try not to let anything influence me.

So weird. Relationships.

Ah, there is nothing like the simple pleasures in life. Just spent some time with Rubles down at the beach. So lucky that it's only 10 minutes drive away. Yes, it was very chilly but we wrapped up warmly and headed out so we could leave hubbie with some peace and quiet to enjoy the Grand Prix. Throwing stones in the river and chatting about nonense, it was great. Been a while since me and her had done the stone throwing and I had forgotten how hilarious she finds it!! Then to the swing park so she could go down the slide and climb around.. great fun.

I was very naughty yesterday, decided to visit the DVD shop.. always a dangerous moove! I ended up with four blu rays.. one down and three more to go so far... hubbie pleased because it means he's had a very lazy weekend and can spend the rest of today on the sofa watching films!! I shall of course be watching them too but will be doing some ironing whilst watching them so at least getting something constructive done at the same time.

I need to keep myself occupied you see. If I don't my mind plays up and I think about food and what I'm missing out on. I am so abnormal. Why this obsession? It's so crazy and I live in hope that at the other end of this battle I won't give food a second thought unless I am genuinely hungry. Not just out of sheer gluttony...

So needing a little bit of focus back into my lighter life just now. Not to be suckered in by the lure of food. Seriously, if you could hear it shouting out my name and pulling me towards it like a magnet force you would understand my difficulties(!). Temptation will always be around. When I give into temptation I am taking a step backward and not getting closer to my goal. I need to remember that. I get so sneaky though. I feel the urge to eat when I know I'll be on my own, I catch myself planning it.. I am the ultimate secret eater, sneak snaffler. I would over indulge when on my own, even if not on my own I would sneak some snacks and have them.. wait for this... in the bath, hiding in the bathroom, you get the idea..! Seriously messed up.

So Christmas is approaching.

So I lost 7lbs last night. Very pleased with that. Starting to re-address the balance of putting on a shocking amount last week and will start to see that horrendous weight reading start to go down again!

I'm not sure where to start this one, I have so many things going through my head and not sure exactly how to get them out... Dreams, back to the weird dreams again. Very violent some of them. I think I must have this whole part of my brain that holds on to things I see in horror films or anything remotely scary and then summons them up when I'm dreaming. They always have 'baddies' and I always need to try and do something to help. Last night I was trying to rescue a teenager from their father who made them hold onto this length of rope all the time so he knew where she was. Even when she was out of sight, he knew where she was as he would wiggle the rope and if she didn't wiggle back he would try to kill her... Then I was in the office and this ex-employee came in and went into see my boss and then pulled a gun on him.. every time I tried to call the police they were engaged or said it wasn't an emergency... then we were all doing these classes but it said you were supposed to be naked while sitting in them... turns out I was the only one naked and everyone else was fully clothed and I was pulling stuff over me to cover up... And I could conjure up fairy liquid bottles from out of nothing and this was apparently what they needed from me... all very strange. Now I used to be really into analysing dreams and things but that was years ago and now they just confuse the life out of me!

I am starting to feel 'okay' with myself... if I don't know how to take something or get worried about anything, I can actually talk about it. Obviously not to everyone but to people I feel really comfortable with. My amazing friend is becoming somewhat of a guinea pig in that I can ask him anything without feeling like he'll judge or laugh at me... lol. It's really positive. Instead of over analysing things in my own head and coming out with the most absurd and wonky view on something, I can look at it objectively..

Apparently I am very comfortable and confident in my sexuality and I guess I hadn't thought of that before, but I suppose I am really. I know my hubbie loves me. Yes, we tell each other all the time, but it's not always words, it actions. Small things. We're so in sync. Know pretty much what makes each other tick and we're both very much into showing each other the love... ;-). I used to be so insecure about this. When we first met, I wouldn't even let him go near my boobs because I thought they weren't the way boobs should be or something equally bizarre.. turns out they're his favourite boobs ever and my nipples are normal even though I thought they poked out too much.. just goes to show everyone is different and what you might be worried about, someone else isn't... like seeing all the size 0s and thinking you should be that way... etc. Anyways, and lights were always out. Under the covers and I wouldn't like him to touch me much. But then, of course, he told me he loved me for me and my body didn't bother him, in fact he found it really sexy. That was totally alien to me. I was starting to think that he was the freak, not me! Of course he got turned on, his dingle dangler showed that. So it got easier for me. We could and can talk about anything. Now I like it when he grabs my 'love handles' (so much nicer than saying flab lol!) and he says he'll miss them when they're gone again. In fact he's making the most of me just now. Sure is!! So I am no longer inhibited in any way and that for me is a real breakthrough. And it's not always about sex. Sometimes just when we have naked DVD nights or something, it's being able to enjoy each other visually. Now yes more often than not that will lead to sex, but it's the whole being completely comfortable with each other that I love. Sure I still compare myself to other women and think he must like them so much more because they are 'normal' or whatever. But I can now tell him that and he just laughs and tells me to get a grip (of his mr wiggly more often than not!!) and that he loves me and that's it. Done deal. So yes, I suppose I am very comfortable with my sexuality but that has taken a long while to be the case. Even when I think people are making fun or me or saying yuck imagine having sex with her, I don't care because I have my darling who loves me for me wobbly bits and all. He wouldn't even care if I stayed this size, he just knows I'm not that happy this way and he worries for the years to come with my health. I never thought I would be loved when I was fat and he has proved me so, so wrong.

We were talking about ego states in class last night. I figure I am mainly in two states... critial parent or rebellious child... which probably explains my swinging from one extreme to another with the food!

Best actually go off and do some work now...!

Posting during the working day... eek never been more glad that this thing is anonomoys...!!

But I am feeling so good just now that I just have to record it... Bottle up this feeling and sniff it every day, lol.

I am well and truely back into ketosis, I have visited the wee wee place at least 5 times already today so that's a good sign. I am drinking lots of water and having my packs properly and no deviations of any sorts.

Short and sweet just now more later I'm sure!

Okay, so not the best of times recently... perhaps that is an understatement(!).

I eventually found my way out of my darkness around 9pm on Thursday night. Just like that... well maybe not 'just like that' but that's what it felt like. I can't feel myself delving into the darkness it just seems to creep up on me and then that's me. I don't really understand it. I guess that is why there are so many therapists/psychologists/pyschiatrists, etc. But come Thursday night I could feel myself snap out of whatever state I had been in.

I hate it. I can't control it and I don't recognise myself or what I'm saying even, doing until i come out of it. I guess therefore it is a good thing that I go into shutdown mode when I'm like that so not much chat comes out of me or anything. Hence of course the lack of blogging in that time also...

I have finally pulled myself together again food wise. One day of 100% abstinence and sticking to my plan. I have been fighting cravings all day though. I managed to voice this to my lovely friend and he basically said so what, did you give in? And I thought you know what, you're right. I didn't, I got over it and got on with my day... So good to say it, get it out of my head and deal with it.

The same amazing friend continues to astound me with his insight, patience and advice. It is so refreshing actually being able to confide in someone. Of course I have my amazing hubbie but sometimes an 'outside' opinion and support really helps. Well not sometimes, a lot of the time! After the whole Mothership storm his wise words are slowly helping me to get through my own thought processes and attempt to find out how I go about making things easier between us. I of course do not agree with him 100% (doh!) but a lot of what he says makes some sense and is challenging my thinking and even reasoning. So when I get to the right 'place' I'll maybe do something about that situation... In that vein, the Mothership left me a snappy message on Friday about how she was outside and where was I? Proper strop she was in too... I only listened to that message today (Monday) and haven't spoken to her over the weekend so I shall have to see how this one develops... perhaps a wee call to her to see how she is shall do the trick and hope there are no major words or silent treatments...

I have done something which I think might be really daft... I haven't spoken to anyone about this and just kind of did it. I thought about it last week when I was feeling down and wanted everything, i.e. to eat all the crap of the day but also lose weight or find the magic cure that will stop me from bingeing while on LL.. so anyways I made an appointment to go to this place where they weigh you and set you a target and give you these tablets which suppress your appetite or something or other. So anyways, I went, I got the tablets and had the consultation but the whole time I was thinking to myself what the hell was I doing there? Why would I do this, I know what I need to do and I can do it and I have done it and can do it again. But I was there, listening to the guff the 'doctor' was saying. I put doctor in quotations because I'm sorry but what doctor would just give me these pills without knowing my background, etc.? I know, my own fault for going along and making the decision to go but even still. So I have them. I haven't taken them though. I know that they are a bad idea. I would take anything that made me slim and happy but there is no such thing. The only thing I can do to get slim is take a healthier approach to life and exercise. The weight will come off if I do that. What the heckles was I thinking or is that it, I wasn't thinking? Oh dear god I am such a freak of nature...

What else? In the time that I've been feeling more positive about myself I have been liking myself a lot more too and been more confident in myself which has been nice. I hope that continues and I really hope I continue to feel like this, stablise out and don't feel so down again. But I know that the way I felt about myself was directly impacted by what I was eating, e.g. going off course and eating crap. So ergo, don't eat crap, don't feel like crap. So that shall be my working theory just now anyway.

Oh and I forgot to update on how I did at my weigh in on Thursday... reason being I did shit. Awful. Crappety crap. Well actually if you're goal was to put on a lot of weight then I did excellently, totally excelled probably anyone elses attempts...! I put on 11 pounds. 11 whole pounds. That's three pounds off a stone. 11 fecking pounds. 11 precious pounds that I will always remember not being worth it. At all.

They have to come off again and stay off and the rest of my wobbly bits need to come off too.

The funny thing is a lot of people are saying how great I look and that I've lost weight(!) Oh yes, I'm saying all the time stuffing myself!! So that has stopped obviously and I will not undo my painstaking work. That's what it is, painstaking and the pain of putting on and not losing weight is one of the worst feelings for me. It is going against what I want, deep down I really want. Allbeit I do the opposite and eat like a demon possessed sometimes, that is some weird internal self destruct setting that I have. Feck a doodle dandy I wish I didn't have my head to cope with as well as my body. No one said losing weight was easy but ye gads this is horrendous, a nutty nutjob trying to lose weight... wish me luck!

Lost 4.6lbs on Thursday night.

Ate like a demon on Friday and continued it into Saturday too. Felt sick. Hate myself. Why did I do it? No idea. I knew it was coming though somehow.

It was all going too well. That's me almost hit the three stone mark so far.

It's like I want to punish myself and that's why I ate.

Not in a good place just now but really want to snap out of it.

We had rampant urgent sex last night and that felt good. Released a lot of pressure and agression I suppose that I had been feeling at myself.. replace food wants with sex now there's an idea..(!)Weird how my weight never interferes with that side of thing..

I can't stand my own thoughts just now so not much of a blog happening just now.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week. Today I'm back on the dust (LL packs) and will soon return to a safe place food wise. Can't wait. I hate this. Oh so negative today...

So plan for today is finish putting up curtains in wee one's playhouse, final tidy of house, force hubby into ironing (mwhaha)and then going out to the park with little un for a lovely long walk, wrapped up of course cos it's looking rather cold out there.

Nasty bugger of a husband has made the yummiest smelling food this weekend. Last night was roast chicken, with roast potatoes and roast parsnips (my all time fav!) loads of veg too. It smelled divine! Tonight the grubby little pooh head has made bacon and veg stirfry. OMG it looks and smells amazing. I am trying to train my smell into actually tasting, I have not yet mastered that, but live in hope!

But all is going well. No indiscretions, minor or major. Temptation has been all around and I have successfully resisted. I did the shopping yesterday all by myself. That is a major step forward too. Normally I spend too much and buy too much trash for myself... this time, yes, I spent too much(!) but on what we needed. Even if hubbie and I have a different understanding on what necessities are! He had complained that we had no biscuits in the house the other night... so I bought some. I picked them up, put them in the trolly and felt detatched from them, like they weren't real. Not for me anyway... I bought him five packets of biscuits... He just laughed and said one would have done. Maybe I am trying to feed him up as I can't feed myself up, lol.

I am really feeling the benefits of Ligherlife (LL) now. I have so much more energy and vigour. I had the week off work and have managed to get so much done and all those little jobs finished off that I had been putting off. Well, actually I still have the ironing to do.. but that can wait until later! My new jeans and tops that I'd ordered arrived. I am excited to say that I fit into the jeans! And the tops too! So that means I am down a jeans size and down a top size :-). In total I have gone from bottom size 26 down to size 22. Top size 24 down to size 20. My size 18 goal is moving closer. YEEHA

I read about this site called Moodscope. You fill in a questionnaire thing, takes about 5 mins every day. It keeps track of how you are feeling and should show a pattern after a while. I did it yesterday and again today. Yesterday I scored 20% which is obviously pretty low, my mood did indeed reflect that for some reason. Today it was higher, in the 60% region. I would love to learn if there are any patterns in the way I feel so I can maybe try to get to the bottom of the reason why I get so down sometimes. But alas I think it may take more than that to solve my problemos!

Anyways back to paying full attention to the new Robin Hood - I've been wanting to see if for ages and lovely hubby has just arranged it! Snuggles and film time :-)

I lost 3.5lbs last night. Taking my loss so far to a total of 2st 6.5lbs... I was hoping for a little more but 3.5lbs is a good loss and I am actually glad just to be losing weight.

I had forgotten the nice feeling of emptiness in my stomach. It feels good, no bloating, just a nice feeling. Not had too many cravings recently either which is good.

I was however on such a downer yesterday all day, even during and after my Lighterlife (LL) class. No real reason why. That's annoying that is, bad annoying yourself, can't do anything about it!

So, the class subject last night was about achievements. We had to list the achievements in our life so far and also the qualities that we had shown in achieving them. I spent a lot of time thinking, finding it really difficult to come up with anything. Eventually I started listing what I could think of:
Doing my piano exams up to grade 3, doing my music theory to grade 6; being the fastest typist in class, even beating the teacher; going to another job and doubling my salary; Getting married; raising my child.

I suppose the music one is pretty simply, I enjoyed it and was exposed to the piano from an early age. The typing was like that as well, it came pretty natuarally to me and I put the practice in and enjoyed it. I persevered and can touch type while daydreaming or whatever. The piano I fell away from, the typing stuck and worked well for me in my jobs.

When I left school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. So with a couple of months before college term started and I was going to decide what I wanted to do, I put letters into lots of Solicitors offices looking for work over the summer. I got a job straight away. I picked the job up really quickly. I went from being a typing 'pool' typist to working for the senior partner in a matter of weeks. I was offered a full time job. I was enjoying it, enjoying earning money, working, so decided to take it. A year or so later a move to the Procurator Fiscal's, that was good too. Again, very quickly I became a reliale and respected member of staff. When I went to leave, they tried to talk me out of it. However, leave I did to go and work for two Solicitors who I had known from my first job and were starting their own Firm. I was everything in that job, receptionist, PA, Office Manager and I loved it all. I met my hubby in the latter part of that job and he said I was wasted there and should aim higher... I was shit scared, I knew what I could do and wanted to stick at it. However, I did look and saw a job that I liked the look of... that is where I am today. It all worked out well and yes, I doubled my salary. However, to this day I am waiting for them to find out that I am not up to the job and waiting for something to happen...

Getting married. Hell yeah that's an achievement for someone who thought they would never ever do that. Despite the wanting, the dreaming of it even. But the belief wasn't there. I thought I was too fat. That no one could ever love me for me, the way I was. And raising a child... crumbs yeah that's bloody great achievement and one that gets harder and easier every day!!

So some of the qualities that were listed were: intelligence, kindness, assertiveness, determined, consistent, driven, resiliance, positivity, unselfish, supportive, bravery, self respect.

The other girls in the group said that the qualities they had involved being a good friend. Such as good listener, being there, good sense of humour and being a good friend no matter what. I got really upset when they were saying this. I feel totally the opposite. I don't have very many close friends at all and they seemed to have a lot. I know it's not a competition, but that really got to me. So I said so. That yes, I have friends, but few who get to know the 'real' me.

I also said a lot of the time was because I imagined what they must think and how they wouldn't want to be seen with me. That I wasn't worthy. They asked me what evidence I had for thinking that. I have a few. My brother never wanted to be seen with me, made fun of me. My mum and dad sometimes too, or so I thought anyway. I was bullied at school about my weight and friends, or who I thought were friends, would even join in sometimes or just walk away. So there you go. Ingrained for a long long time so not easily overcome...

Size doesn't determine who we are. One of the girls said about imagining living in a glass belljar. In that you can see everything going on, but nothing that is said can get through to you, you are protected by the belljar. Or for those more star treky, a force field around you protecting you.

So a lot came out of the group and a lot surrounding what helps our thoughts and attitude. Positive Mental Attitude. One of the girls starts each day by listing five good things about today. Don't have to be big things, the little things.

So good things about today: Woke up next to my lovely husband; wee girl came bounding through excited to start the day; got lots of cuddles from both; spent time with the Mothership which was actually quite nice!; doing some stuff in the garden. So there you have it, simple pleasures, doesn't need to be massive groundbreaking stuff!

What was really nice was that one of the girls thanked me for helping them out last week through my positivity(!) She had been struggling and last week I was practically buzzing so was able to pass this on to her and give her the inspiration to do stick to it and come along last night with a good loss. So that was nice to hear also. Couldn't have been more different last night though. Yes, I had stuck to LL, yes I had done well. However, I was just really down about it all. I suppose the change is sinking in and as much as sometimes I'm battling against myself to stick this out, sometimes it is very tempting to chuck it in and go back to the way I was. I guess I feel I'm missing out. But missing out on feeling crap about myself? Why is that conflict still there? It is so frustrating.

I have ordered a pair of jeans a size down from what I have just now. They are literally falling down if I'm not careful! Plus a couple of new tops because the ones I have are a bit too baggy and make me feel bigger than I am!!

Not sure why I'm starting this blog, not in a very bloggy mood tonight.. but will see how it goes..!

Yesterday was great, went swimming again and not so self concious, even went to the upper area (involving having to get out of pool and walk up stairs to baby pool & spa... without too much persuasion at all. Hubby didn't even cover me! It was good. Really enjoyable and my wee girl is getting more confident in the water too which is great.

Today we went to see In The Night Garden live. It was actually really good! We parked in town and decided to walk to the park where it was taking place. 10 minute walk I was told by silly hubbie... it was a 30 minute walk and I was knackered by the end!! But I also enjoyed it. He said "we'll get a taxi back" but I wanted to walk back!! Shocked hubbie that did I think, lol.

Oh and crumbs alive, there has been mothership action a go-go. What follows are two emails. One from mothership and my response. Crumbs indeed but here we go..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mothership
To: Me & my sister

OK my girls
Please don't go off the deep end! I've booked two places on this course in the hope that you two might attend. Please check out the links and give it some serious thought.

I met X after one of her concerts a couple of years ago and have followed her progress since. She did a series of motivational workshops which were highly acclaimed. She is extremely entertaining, and, if nothing else, you'd have a bundle of laughs throughout the day! I hope you'd come away with a bit more than that, though.

I am so pleased at the way you two darling girls are living your lives - and this despite having a nut of a mother!

Allow me, please, to offer you something a bit different for a day - let me know asap. If you want to go ahead, I'll send your details on to and thereafter, you'll hear from her directly - I'm not attending and it has nothing at all to do with me - I haven't said that you are my daughters so it's totally anonymous.

I love you very much and I'm well aware of being a bit clumsy at times in the way I deal with issues among us. My intentions are pure though and I want nothing but the best for you.

My love to you always
Mum xxxxx
Mum,

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Me
To: Mothership

What makes you think that I would want to go to a course like this? I get that you have heard her and like her and I'm sure that this is something worthwhile for those who are into this kind of thing. It's also all day on a Saturday. I would rather spend the day with Simon and Ruby or indeed you and Lorna, or indeed down the pub!

Now, let me offer you some insight. Stop trying so hard. There is no need. Lorna and I love you very much. What gets to me is your constant (well intentioned) interference and over reactions. Something I know which has never changed... you may indeed remember being referred to as "O.R." when we were younger. Standing of course for "Over Reactor". Some things never change(!) However, Lorna and I have grown up and are ourselves adults now and need to be trusted to live our lives the way we wish to. Yes you are still our mother, but it is also your time to enjoy your life properly without constant worry, which is something you seem unable to let yourself do. You and Derick are married and happy so enjoy each other. Lorna and I are still here and will enjoy time more with you that is not about forcing things to go your way all the time, such as making us feel guilty for not going along to things, etc.

This is not me going off the deep end. It is about trying to get it through to you that I am fine. You need not worry.

Yes, I told you that you pissed me off. Here is why:

You were having Ruby for two nights. I asked for her to come home early when I spoke to you on the Thursday night. She was not herself and I was worried about her. You agreed and said you would feel exactly the same and would bring her home to me on Friday. I spoke to you on Friday morning, could tell you were trying to get me to change my name by constantly repeating the same questions and saying how well you looked after her (that was not in any doubt). You even asked if I was worried about her being around Floyd what with all the dog stories in the news. No mum. Not at all. Never entered my head (but perhaps another example of you making an assumption/being paranoid perchance?!) I was able to tell you the night before and re-confirm at that point that I was simply worried about her, she had not been herself and I would rather she was with me. End of. You agreed to bring her down and when you did you made it clear you had gone out of your way to do that and you were not happy about that. Now, in my opinion that is your problem, not mine. You agreed with me and said to me you would bring her down. At no time did you say otherwise. If that was not what you wanted you should have said and I would gladly of come up to collect her.

A couple of days before you had spoken to Simon on the 'phone and said how I had put so much weight on recently and was I ok. Not only was that going behind my back - you could have spoken to me about that yet didn't. Although we have discussed it in the past... So I told you that yes I was unhappy about you doing that and in fact the last time I had seen you I had lost weight, not put it on. So trying to reconcile what you had said to Simon and me on that Friday was hard to do. As you had in fact said that day I looked like I'd lost weight.

To mention only a couple of examples...

I say that not to hurt you, not to have a go, but to try and show you how your reactions and actions are somewhat unpredictable. Yes, you say you are only doing it through the best intentions but my goodness you have a weird way going about things.

Now, we're having a week off. Enjoying it. Going to see In the Night Garden this afternoon and have been swimming lots already. (Wee girl) had a fall upstairs and has a lovely big bruise on her eye and cheek. BUT WE ARE FINE! No lovely coffees in gorgeous little places that we 'just have to see' to believe, but still living the dream going about our day to day lives without any rose tinted angles or glasses or going to any great lengths, just enjoying. So if you phone to ask what we're up to and I don't tell you that we're setting the world alight with our antics, please do not make me feel guilty about it okay...

With that said, I love you. NOW CHILL THE F**K OUT.

I have left (sister) copied in. We have no secrets okay. (Sister) is 20, doing great and having a ball. For a 20 year old and 29 year old to be totally umbilocorded up to their mother still is a frightening thought and certainly not a reality. That is something you should be proud of yourself about not constantly worrying or fussing about okay.

While I'm on it, perhaps still being up at quarter to one in the morning is a factor into your tiredness? So take some proper time for you and enjoy your own time and not constantly worrying about us or whatever you worry about okay. We could of told you all the over the phone or in person but have chosen to reply through the medium of email.

You do not have to check up on me/us 24/7.

Rona

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there you have it.

Repercussions... no doubt but it had to be said.... views welcome. Oh what have I done?

from 18/7/10

This is a post from before I got into abstinence. I didn't realise but I'd left it in draft form... so probably from around 5/6 weeks ago I would guess. Thought I would publish it anyway...

So I can safely say that abstinence is not in place at the moment. But I am working on it, or at least eating 'normally'.

I am tryiing a new technique of eating in a specific place, not just anywhere!! So I intend to clear the ironing which is on the dining room table(!) and start eating up there. The idea being that I become more aware of what I eat.. and when I suppose. So far I have been putting this off, but will start today. I feel a little scared of this. Like I will be missing out and doing myself out of something.

Another thing that has occurred to me is that I am punishing myself through eating. The more I eat, the heavier I become, the more I struggle to do things, thus punishing myself. Maybe I feel I don't deserve to be slim and energetic? That's what I'm thinking just now because I am not enjoying what I'm eating most of the time, it's just a process I'm going through. How alien does that sound?!

A lightbulb moment on Friday when I saw my psychologist. She asked me what I was doing to care for myself, etc? I said I felt I didn't deserve anything and was putting everything on hold and only doing the necessities until that elusive time. What about exercise? Well we turned the spare room into my place. Put my rowing machine up there and exercise DVDs. So far, I have yet to go in there... I was reminded that even though I was heavier than I wished that I could still care for myself and exercise. That was a bit of a jolt - permission to look after myself physically!

The truth is I don't look after myself so well just now. Cleanliness is not the issue. It's more not doing things I enjoy. Prefering to stay well out of things than get involved. I don't want to be 'on show', it's so much easier to fall into the background. Hilarious when you think about it because you couldn't miss me because of my current size! Current, I'm glad I used that word, that means it will change. For the better.

I wish I could flick a switch in my head and change things straight away. I am really trying but it feels like a long process and things even I am aware of take a while to make sense to me. Everything comes in its own time I suppose, even rational thinking..!

Working through my 'issues'. Sounds so lame but I guess things that happen do have an impact on how I feel and go about my life now. So to think about them, and understand them in context and move on must be the way to go.

Here is an attempt to put it down on paper..

The memories I have of being young involve being with other people. Not my mum and dad really. Going away for a few nights with Granners when I was about 6, Ross came too. I won an art competition and was mega proud!! Staying over at friends houses. Them staying at mine. Going to the cinema with mum's friend & her children - more Ross's friends than mine. Then Lorna was born when I was 8, Ross would have been 10. I remember going to see her at the hospital and how happy mum was.

Jillian moved in with us as a nanny to look after Lorna and she looked after Ross & I too. When Lorna was about 2 she moved out and Selina moved in. Ross & I had gone to Selina's gran, Jessie to be looked after after school, etc. and now Selina was old enough she moved in and took over from Jillian. I was destraght when Jillian moved out as well as Lorna... I had a bond with her I suppose inevitable given I had spent a lot of time with her. I liked Selina too. Ultimately there to look after Lorna while mum and dad were at work, however, of course looked after Ross & I too. That seems really strange to me now. I suppose we had a big house and the room and a kind of 'nanny flat' so it would make sense for someone to move in. However, what I have a problem with trying to tie things up is that mum was and still is a teacher. So surely better hours than most parents to be able to work around care arrangements. But still not around that much.

I remember doing the weekly shop with dad. Mum was always doing school work or talking on the 'phone practically giving blow by blow accounts of what was happening, per child. I always hated that, yet listened in to find out what she was saying. What else? A constant issue about my weight, yes of course. Going on health kicks with mum for about a day and then that changing. I remember losing weight when I was younger by watching what I was eating and then doing a lot of walking and running with friends, I felt good and normal. I was still given chocolate bars, etc. but I kept these in a box instead of eating them. I remember showing them to mum as if to say "look mum, I haven't eaten these, aren't I doing well" and she said she would take them and eat them. Right now I'm thinking that wasn't the best message I could have gotten...

I didn't mean to go into all that anyway but I suppose it matters as well. A lot of arguing, always. Ross was a bit of a trouble maker, always up to stuff, then into serious things. Fighting, drugs and once he had a gun. Which he showed me and I just told him he was stupid and to get rid. I flushed his drugs down the loo and told him to get a grip and did he know the damage he was doing to those he sold to? I also remember loaning him money all the time because of getting sob stories from him. Now I realise this was probably dealers after him or something else alien to me. So lots of him fighting with mum and dad. Mum and dad arguing with him. Ross smashing stuff up around the house. Me in my room, watching x-files, drawing, listening to music and singing my heart out imagining an audience in my own room saying how good I was. I was happy though to stay out of the spotlight with mum and dad and just go about getting through school and dreaming of moving out.

Mum always said I had a good voice, I was good at x, y & z. But it never felt sincere. Even now she'll say things like I have a wonderful voice, better than Lorna's - who is at Grade 8. Whose benefit is she saying that for? Never does she say it infront of Lorna, just to me but come on get a grip! I don't even want to hear that. Part of me thinks well if that were true then why not get me singing lessons, etc. when i was growing up? I'm not jealous of Lorna. Lorna went to ballet, singing & drama and all these things. Mum I think always felt guilty and was making up for the things we missed out on through Lorna.

We stopped have Selina living with us when Lorna went to school. I looked after her. I guess mum and dad were having money problems too because we moved house to a smaller house. That's when I became really aware of mum and dad arguing a lot.

The class tonight was all about Sabotage. It was actually really good again. There were a different bunch of ladies there from last week but I knew two of them from before and only one of them I hadn't met. Still it was a nice wee group of us.

I lost 4.5 lbs which I am really happy with. It puts me 1lb off losing 2st in four weeks. Also, it puts me into a new stone so that lower stone again is getting closer and down and down from there.

Back to the class. The others were really struggling and I recognised myself in them so so much.

Oh actually, before I go on, I have to explain something. When I am doing my blogging there is no filter. It's as though my thoughts go straight from my head to here, there is no real thinking involved, thinking about what I am actually writing that is. I have a ridiculous ability of typing whilst day dreaming or lost deep in thought and that is what comes out. I am saying that because for the first time I have read some of my blogs back. It is scary to read back actually, but interesting to me and because I'm not concious of what I'm writing it appears to be more truthful and shows my bare emotion... if that makes sense. Particularly when I spoke about attempting suicide... I cannot believe all of that came out. Part of me wants to go back and delete it and try to delete it from the memories of those who may have read it... but that's impossible and it's true, it happened so I should face up to it and live with it.

Okay, so anyway, back to the class... the other three ladies were struggling. We were speaking about things that stop us sticking to Lighterlife (LL) and remain abstinent. One example was of passing a particular shop every day and the usual process of going in and getting something. Planning when and what to eat. Having a stash of food ready for when the opportunity struck. We likened it to addiction. Like being addicted to drugs, alcohol for example. That is what the behaviour of overeating is like. So, because I'm the only one in class who is sticking to the plan the LLcouncellor asked me to give an example of what I would do in that situation and what works for me... I remember the first time I did LL and I was getting the train to/from work every day. I was so proud of myself because I managed to walk past Costa without going in. There is a Costa at the train station. I would sometimes deliberately get a later train just so I could go in and have a hot chocolate and a muffin or something to eat. Imagine that. It totally disgusts me now to think of that, but that is what I did. So my suggestion. This lady drives past Tesco every night on the way home and there is no alternative route. Therefore, I asked her what she listened to in the car, radio or anything. She listened to the radio. So I said well why don't you take a favourite CD and sing along to that or get lost in it and because you are changing part of your environment, in what you are listening to and that being something you enjoy, hopefully that should make driving past it a little easier. Then once you have managed it once you feel proud of yourself and have the strength to do it again and again until eventually you might not think about it. Another girl kept takeaway menus in her drawer just in case. Throw them out... what's the worst that could happen?!

When I lived on my own, I realise that I had my own secretive habits. The going into different shops to buy things so that you didn't buy all your grub in the one place!! That whole caring what people would think... getting takeaways but being careful to alternate so that they wouldn't think you had it all the time... when a takeaway came to the door pretend there were others there to share it with you because I'd ordered so much... bloody hell. I was getting so caught up in the need to feed myself that I totally lost all sanity... Because I am not obsessed with food all the time, I am now realising even more what horrendous habits I had!

I also said that the more you make small positive changes, the less likely you are to go back the way. Yes, it is extremely hard but you need to want the change enough. The more you force yourself to change abruptly, the less likely you are to succeed. Sometimes it'll work, don't get me wrong, but for me it was baby steps. Getting through an hour, a day, then a week. But do you know what? Now I recognise that in certain situations I want to eat. That's it. Want. Not need. I recognise that the want is an outlet for an emotion. In the past the food would fill it. I can't do that anymore. Not if I want to sustain the losses, reach my target and maintain. Don't get me wrong, it's easy to say that but I really feel it. And that's the difference of getting back on track I think.

So the new deal was that was made with my matey at work was that if I were to lose more than 5lbs then I had to stick 100% to LL and not deviate in the slightest. So, I didn't quite reach that completely, off the mark by half a pound. However, I am still going to make that vow. It feels right and somehow maybe saying it out loud, putting it on here and thinking about it, I will be more concious of it if faced with temptation again or around the mothership! Oh, however, on a slightly too much information slip up here... maybe I have already slipped up on that promise as something non LL has already passed my lips... produced by my husband in a moment of pleasure shall we say... does that count?! Nah!!

Got the week off work which will be nice too. Have to go in on Monday for a bit but after that will be getting up to some good stuff. Going to see In the Night Garden live with my wee girl and hubbie coming too. Planning to go to the zoo as well and going back swimming... more nervous now than when I went swimming a while ago... but it will be good.

I am so aware of my body changing. I found my ribs the other night!! My tummy is really starting to feel 'empty' and my clothes are getting baggier. I tried on a paid of trousers the other morning that are a size down from what I'm wearing just now... okay they were tight, I couldn't sit down in them and had to lie down to put the zip up... but I will try again soon and see how progress is going!! My shoulders are getting more defined and my chest is really slimming down but I don't think my boobs are shrinking... really hope they don't experience too much shrinkage!! Still getting more energy and up for doing more which is good. I said to myself that I wouldn't mention exercise again on here until I'd done some, so I won't!!

Tried out wearing more make up too. Mixed reactions. I didn't really expect any really, but one said jokingly I looked like a slut (luckily he is just that type of guy and it was actually really funny!) and a lot of positive ones. Problem is, hubby prefers me with little or no makeup on!! But I guess whatever I feel comfortable with is fine :-p

What a day. Very busy and went well but now I feel really flat.

Foodwise I had a bar for breakfast and then that was all until I got home, so until about 7pm that's all I had... and only about 1 ltr of water. Not like me at all. So that leads me to the conclusion that being kept busy means I don't feel hunger. Or I am so into this ketosis lark that I'm not feeling the hunger now. Who knows.

Why do I feel down though. Maybe I'm just tired. Had a laugh at work today but felt maybe I'd pushed it a bit far. It's strange feeling really comfortable with people and doing that and then something in me regrets it. I left myself open and vulnerable. So strange the way thoughts and emotions work.

Maybe it's because of what I was thinking about in my last blog and putting into words. I guess I don't really think about it a lot so it may only be natural for me to dwell on it a wee bit. Thoughts have a funny way of creeping into your head without you realising it. I've been lost in my own world a lot this afternoon, catching myself staring into space but not being able to put a finger on exactly what I was thinking about...

I'm still trying the 'Fake it till I make it' mantra but I'm having a bit of trouble with it lately. I feel like I'm changing and I was actually feeling good about myself, the way I look at the moment. Yes a way to go I know, but I was beginning to see that yes, I had lost weight and yes I was looking quite good. However, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw. And this is me improved so far.

That is not good thinking though. It is crooked thinking but the dominating thoughts nonetheless. Where or where is that switch in my head? I want to flick it so much and pull myself together(!).

Mothership wise, well she hasn't been in touch until today. Three whole days without contact(!). She left me a voicemail at work and on my mobile. Saying nothing urgent and she just wanted to see how I was. I quite frankly can't bring myself to speak to her at the moment. So I shall wait and see. I don't have the strength to speak to her tonight anyway.

So, in an attempt to pull myself together, hot bath, read of my book and a bit of a pamper session. Moisturise and nails me thinks. Then some husband love. That should hopefully re-balance things nicely!!

Okay so lets bring you up-to-date with what's been going on...

I've discovered that being at home is not the best for me, at work I have a certain routine and rhythm that I follow which keeps me on track. At home there is more temptation around and more triggers... or people to trigger me rather! Take Friday for instance, at home, over the moon after having lost a lot the night before at my Lighterlife class. Mother comes around and we have a chat, she plays with my wee girl and that's fine. It is a little strained but nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until mum starts up.. first of all she moans at me because I asked her to bring my wee girl home a night early. She was staying with mum and that was fine, but I was a bit worried about her as she had a rash the day before so wanted to keep an eye on her. I spoke to mum and that was fine, however, when she gets to my house, it's a big deal... next she pulls out a powder blue jacket, very old fashioned and not at all my style... she bought it from ebay and she doesn't like it.. I should have it. No thanks I say, not my style. That is not good enough, she practically forces it on me. I stand my ground(!) and say no thanks and she goes into a huff. Next she says that I've lost weight... I do admit I didn't help the situation by saying I had the last time she saw me but she hadn't noticed then, in fact she had remarked to my hubbie how much weight I had put on(!). Well I should have kept my mouth shut!! She said that hubbie had picked her up wrong and she was talking about all the weight I've put on over the past year and she'd not brought it up with me before... yeah right, every time i see her it was all she could go on about, until around 2 months ago when i told her i wasn't focussing on my weight just now in an effort to have her leave off a bit. Suffice to say she pretty much left straight away all huffy and annoyed with me.

I felt like eating. Right there, right then. But I told a friend, I saw sense and I didn't. However, a few hours later it was still festering in my head and I saw my wee one's magic stars lying around, one goes in my mouth, two, three and then the rest of the bag. Then I go into overdrive and have two bowls of cereal, then super noodles, super noodles, hello I don't even like them! Super noodles and two slices of buttered bread. I stuffed it down. I tried to keep track of the feeling it gave me, relief I think, comfort perhaps. But I had to spit out the last mouthful. I felt disgusting. So full up, my stomach was acheing, properly sore and I felt so guilty and such a failure. Why or why do I keep doing this to myself. Hubbie came home soon after and I fessed up straight away, mainly because he took one look at me and asked what was wrong!!!

Behind me once again, Saturday and Sunday passed without any incident. I am now fully in work mode so I should be fine for the rest of this week and looking forward to my weigh in on Thursday night. I really need to give up the emotional eating crutch though. Amazingly I am very open with my lovely friend at work about all of this and he is great and suggesting other ways to look at it and other ways to cope. I know what makes sense, I know what I should try to do instead, but putting it into practise is completely different. It's like something comes over me and I turn into a sniffer dog interested only in what food I can get my hands on and into my mouth. No thoughts, no consideration to what I'm doing. Until afterwards. The regret.

But the good thing is it's not continued. And hopefully I am one step closer to finding a solution to my automatic instinct to reach for comfort from food.

Bodywise things continue to change. Some days I feel it more than other. Most recently i have found that my bum is shrinking. Which is a good thing, it's nice to see it getting less and less :-). I'm still finding more room in my clothes but not quite down a dress size yet. But I'm getting there. I'm feeling my hip bones and can feel my waist taking shape too. There is still a long way to go but I am making a start and it's nice to see that after just a stone and a half these differences are becoming apparent. Other people are noticing now too. It's nice. I'm enjoying it. Sometimes I want to run and hide but a lot of the time it's fine, I'm glad people are noticing.

It's nice to find out that not everyone is focussed on weight and they can see past that. I can't and I know that's bizarre, I should be more aware and more understanding than anyone. I am, but not where it comes to myself. I want to punish myself and make things as hard for myself as I can? I've asked that as a question because I truly do not know the answer to that one. But that's how it feels.

I'm going to see my lovely lady next Friday and I'm both looking forward to it and scared. I think she'll be pleased with me. I'm taking control and have made a difference and finally on the path to where I want to live the rest of my life at. She'll also probe me to find out my thoughts and feelings and I'll be forced to explore places and things I'd rather leave alone. Like the mum thing. What else though? Surely there is more to it than that? Yes I am scared of falling backwards of my bad days returning and things getting really bad. But that is not a constant worry. Not anymore which is good. It's progress.

Back then, the first time, when I was about 20, I was working all the hours, put every part of me into work and there was loads of it to do, never ending. That suited me fine. A good diversion for my emotions. Until of course I could cope no more that I completely shut down. Mentally, if not physically. I was concious of everything going on around me but I was practically mute. Would only pat the cats and totally retreated into myself. Took a lot of time for me to get better from that. But I did. Took going into a psychiatric ward and some electric shock treatment. Feck I'm being too honest on here now. About two months I think it took. Wasn't perfect, no way but much better. Loads of shit going on from my mum and dad, practically fighting every time they came to the hospital to see me. FFS even when I was like that, still the fighting. Had they no idea that's what I wanted to get away from? So there I was. Finally getting back to work. Feeling guilty as hell and crying all the time. Roll on two years and things weren't really better. Still throwing myself into work, still very lonely and confused probably. Lots of pills, I always remember being on lots of pills. Subconciously perhaps I was planning it, but I never felt that way, it seemed like a bright, if not last minute idea. I still remember, I was watching Titanic in bed. I had filled a lot of prescriptions and had them all lying out on the table. Unpopped. I had gotten into a cycle of hating myself, eating ridiculous amounts to make myself feel better. I had my cats. I could relate to them better than any other human being. Bloody hell. So, handful after handful in went the tablets until I eventually passed out.

Lucky to be alive. That's what they said. All I remember was being so upset that it didn't work. Didn't they understand the futility of life, how upsetting and numb my life was? So bad that I didn't want to go on any more. That's all I could think about for a long time in there. Days merged together. I got used to hospital routine. Slowly I guess I started getting better. I was allowed to go out. Home visits. Always to mums. Always still with the arguing. Mum and dad over what was best for me. I never said a word. Always went with what they said. They knew best. No actually, they didn't. It took a while, a lot of help and talk. Well no, not talk. That was something I still didn't really do. I couldn't talk about what was wrong. I couldn't put it into words. A lot of assumptions, upset because of parents divorce/treatment of me. Family life in general. Up until that point, in fact up until just a few years ago I would of told you that I had a 'normal' upbringing. But now I realise it wasn't. Loved, I think so. Put to the bottom of the pile though is an everlasting memory. Even still that rings through me. I have to challenge myself and the way I think.

Got a bit involved there... Not a lot of people know that about me. Some wouldn't believe it of me now. I have changed so much in many ways. But some of the original hurt and feelings are still there. Nowhere near as strong, of course not. But the unworthyness, the conditional love, foresaking my needs for others. So yes, a lot to work through. But I am at the best place in my life that I have ever been to start to address this.

I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who loves me for me. I have a beautiful wee girl who I am determined not to inflict any of this onto. A fabulous friendship starting to evolve through honesty and trust. I am sure there would be more out there if I just let myself go a bit and be more trusting. But that is a very hard thing for me to do. I guess not that unsurprising actually.

This whole blog thing is very cathartic. It's so strange to share so much but know not who I am sharing it with.

So I am focussing on getting the weight off. Trying to find an alternative to feasting on crap the minute my mum or anything else rocks me and makes me feel like crap.

Exercise. I am going to try and get into that.

Do you know what? It feels good to get all of that out. I'm sure to have missed things and there will be more, but for now that's enough. Hopefully you don't think I'm a terrible crackpot!

Over the moon!

I lost 8.5lbs this week! WOW flipping WOW!

It has made all the struggles and emotions worth it and giving me the push I need to go on. I realised that in class there is this woman struggling to get back into it, and it reminded me of me about 4 weeks ago or so. She was saying how she would be punishing herself by doing Lighterlife. But for me now, I feel like I was punishing myself with the foods I was eating. I am now looking after myself and feel so much better. Strage how the diet is seen as punishment but for me it's not really. It's a relief more than anything.

Swimming!

Three days in a row of posting, wow, there's regularity for you!

Fought through all cravings today and came out victorious, not so much as a incy bit other than prescribed passed my lips :-). A great feeling that is and I am going to remember how I feel in refusing/ignoring the food next time I feel tempted.

Hubbie is working 2pm - 9pm which is not good news... he is normally my rock in the evenings. I am hopeful that I will not be tempted and will keep on the path to slimness.

We went swimming today... and I loved it so much!! I normally make up excuses not to go and haven't been for about two years because of my size. For some reason it was my suggestion to go today, I just felt like it. I also knew that all the schools were in and it would be quiet at our local pool! But it was brilliant. Yes, I was uber selfconscious getting in and out of the pool, but I did it.

Mum decided to come and visit us 'in passing' tonight... very nice surprise, lol! But the thing is, I had this whole thought that if she says anything about my weight then i would say something along the lines of "oh that's nice of you to comment, but i thought you said i was putting on tons of weight" but she said nothing, nada. Now, since last i saw her i have lost just over one stone... even my nice neighbour noticed that... so maybe she only notices gain and not losses. In any event, i don't pay it much heed. If she does say anything then i'll just say something to her but i can't really be bothered in actual fact. That sounds bad i know but there has been so much hurt and emotions in our relationship that i can't quite bring myself to be the one that makes everything ok anymore. I'm not going to sacrifice myself just to make herself feel better.

I am feeling more energy and more into doing stuff which is nice. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow to get back into proper routine and in the hope that the weeks start skipping by!!

Distraction

I've got to this stage in the day without going off course, but it has been very tough. My poor wee house has never been scrubbed so much in it's life.. the bahtroom, the bedrooms and I've had a clear out of loads of things that we don't need or use anymore. It's been so hard though..

I started the day with a vanilla shake, then soon after had a bar... I felt hungry and hard done by. I got really grumpy, nothing was good enough and everything my hubbie said was annoying me and so i disappeared upstairs to do somewhat of a spring clean. I was crying I was angry I was a wreck, quite funny to think about it now, but at the time it wasn't so funny!! I came back down after about 2 hours and had a double porrige for lunch - thus using up all of my pack allowance for the day.. However, I felt immediately satisfied and then went up and finished off what I was doing without any outbursts!! My darling hubbie had done the ironing whilst I was upstairs, full of surprises that one, but great!

So I started sorting out some clothes too. I have some really nice clothes to slim into! I had forgotten that I had gone on somewhat of a spending spree when I hit a size 12 and got lots of clothes!! However, that is a while off yet, they can stay looking pretty and i'll be ready for them in time enough. Just now my aim is to get into a size 18. I hadn't got rid of the size 18s I had from last time and there was also a new pair of jeans in that size too in my wardrobe. They are lovely and i am setting them as my first clothes goal. It may take me a bit of time to get there but in maybe 6 weeks or so maybe that goal will be realised.

But this is mentally draining. Physically I feel lots better, i guess i am mentally too given the change i am making and already benefiting from it in this short time.

But it shocked me just how flaked out i was this morning over nothing really, well the change becoming a reality sinking in i suppose. I was so angry, angry at myself for letting myself get this way, angry and grumpy and tearful and throwing a major wobbly tantrum at myself and anyone around me. Damn that rebellious child side of me!

I am doubting myself and that's not good. I feel like I want to run away from myself, get away from my own thoughts for a while and just tune out reality for a bit. I've felt like this before, the need to morph out of my own body to get myself together. It's so far aware, will I ever get there? It took me 9 months last time. 9 months. That seems both like eternity and just a blink of an eye.

I saw some friends recently that I haven't seen in a long time. A big part of that was because I didn't want them to see that i had regained the weight. I felt embarressed and scared of their reaction. The thing is, weight is no private turmoil. Weight is right out there for everyone to see, there is no hiding it, even with the best support tights/sucky in pants, etc. it's all there. They treated me as normal, i was the one that brought it up and they said they weren't surprised given i was so unwell at the beginning of last year and that was an end to it. Sometimes our own worries are the worst as reality is different than what you think it is.

I am realising how much i was having, how often and the amounts involved. It's so weird, not constantly planning and living meal to meal, snack to snack. A relief still to be on this but i am scared of food. Scared to go back to it when i finish and get to my goal. I really need to sort myself out around food. When I go back to see my lovely lady in a few weeks, there will be a big difference from when she saw me last time. I am scared because she wanted to attempt the re-introduction of food before i got to my goal. Her thinking being that i should see if i can do it before loosing tons of weight, so taking it in chunks. But now that i'm actually in abstinence and making progress, that is scaring the bejesus out of me. I have the best of intentions but i so quickly descend into gluttony that it's frightening. I know that's what i'm working on with her and it may be realised.

I am not naive enough to think that being slim equals no problems, however, i am hopeful that it will allow me to deal with things more easily and take more pride in myself and not be such a walkover. I also know i can be slim. I was genuinely unsure that it was possible for me to be so. I know that sounds daft, but when you've been on the chubby side and then a lot overweight for most of your life that does give room for question. I remember trying to lose weight when i was younger. When i was about 12 i lost a fair bit and remember going on holiday with my friend and actually running and being good at it. However, i also remember not much changing at home. I would still be given sweets so i started to just keep them, not eat them. I had them in a box in my bedroom. I was so proud of myself for not having them, i went to show my mum and she immediately took them and started eating them(!) So i guess i decided there wasn't much point in that. But on the flipside i recall mum going on about my weight a fair bit, starting exercise classes and things like Rosemary Conley. But she never stuck at long, hence i didn't. My brother was embarresed to be seen with me and i think my dad was too. I became pretty much a hermit, i would stay in my room all the time, listening to music, singing away and pretending my life was completely different. Constantly. Living in fantasy. Drowning out everything else that was going on.

When my sister was born it was great, I loved her immediately. I never understood the jealousy thing with siblings fully. I was 8 when she was born. By the time I was 12, I took her everywhere with me, if i was going out to the park mum wanted me to take her with me. When friends came to stay over she would be there too. We have always been really close. That is why i am so protective of her and why she will always come to me for advice or help. I wouldn't have it any other way. She was 11 when mum and dad split. First off it was pretty amicable. Do you know what, i'm not doing this now, i'll get it out soon enough.

Feeling a bit better already for getting this out of my system.

2 in one day!

Another entry in the same day, cripes I'm in a chatty mood today!

Weigh in went well, I lost another 7.5lbs, which is great. The class was quite small tonight, started off with 5 of us, while waiting to get weighed the women were all going on about how hard it is, how much they had been eating in the lead up to tonight's class... I found that really hard. I have worked so hard to get myself into a place where I can do this. I don't want to risk losing my mojo by listening to them. So rude or not, I tuned out and read some success stories... By the time class got started there was just me and this other woman. She as older than me and was so negative and down and I recognised myself in her probably about 3/4 weeks ago. We were talking about what we wanted to change. What we wanted to stop, do more of and start. My 'stops' were stop wasting time, stop looking backwards, stop the negative thinking, stop being unrealistic and stop second guessing what people are thinking about me. My 'do more ofs' were: keep focussed, open and honest, positive thinking, recognising automatic thoughts, more 'me' time/self care and of course my current mantra of "fake it until you make it". I want to 'start' exercising, going out and be more accepting of myself. So it was a useful class and just what was needed. The other woman got a lot out of what I had to say... i'm only glad i could help someone. She was quite eeksome though, like a scary lady. She told me that she was 42 and was able to just not really care about what people thought.. now that scare's the crap out of me. She was so stand offish at first and downright rude but I guess that was a cover for her own insecurities really. Yes I want to focus less on what I think people are thinking about me, but not stop caring altogether, that would be awful.

Anyways, people are starting to notice a difference in me, especially around my face. Well excuse me but I have lost from other places too but short of pulling my top up and showing them I guess that will have to wait a while for some notice. For pulling my top up to bare my midrif would never happen!!

One of the things that stopped me before I think was putting some pressure on myself. All the time thinking I'll lose x amount of weight for x reason. Then that date would come and go and I'd not lose any weight, in fact I'd have heaped it on.

So this time I have clicked into what I did the first time, I'm doing it just for me. Yes others will benefit but I'm doing it for me primarily.

It's strange, even now, when I've just come home from class having lost weight and feeling really good about it, I have this 'want' in me to reach out for food. This is a good experiment though. Why... the feeling is in my throat, not my tummy or anything. That's strange actually. It's just a habit, something ingrained so deep in me that i reach out for food in times of change or anything for any reason. If in doubt seek out food!

So anyways, to keep my focus I'm going to try and re-introduce exercise into my daily routine. I loved it when I was really into it, going to gym classes and going to the gym three or four times a week. It might take me a while but I am convinced I will get back into it and start getting my fitness levels up. Walking is much easier now. Holy crap, how bad does that sound? Bloody hell just walking is an improvement, what the fudge have I been thinking about while I've been pilling on the weight. I am actually repulsed by myself just thinking about that, but that's all in the past, things can only get better.

Anyways, going to get off now.

Still up and down like a yoyo....

I don't like to be inhibited when I write on here so I'm going to try and continue to be true to myself, my thoughts and feelings.

So many thoughts going on in my head, not too sure how to start this one off... hmmm... looking on the positives, weight wise it's coming down! I lost 8.5lbs last week, yes I am on track and on my abstinence plan. LighterLife is working for me once again now that I can stick to it. Before that it seemed like I could never get the groove back and return to the 'zone'. So, another class tonight and I'm hoping for another great loss, maybe not so big, I know, but at least going in the right direction.

It seems endless just now. So what I am going to do is put in a 3 month review slot with myself and check on progress at that time... lol sad I know but I am a bit of a weirdo and control freak so if that's going to work for me that's how I'm going to do it, so (after consulting calendar) that will take me to ... well actually, I'm going to do it in 14 week stints after further thought. So come 18th November, I will have 'weighed in' 14 times. It seems so far off, but when I think that we are almost at the end of August already, if I keep my head then the time should go by just as quick and i could do a lot of damage in that time.

Speaking of time going fast. I was so daft last year. About November time I was thinking, right by April I could lose x amount and all will be back in control... hahaha like that happened, come April I was well on the road to gaining x amount. Scary how fast the weight comes on, scarier still what i was managing to eat.

Anyway, after about 4 days of abstinence I felt better already. I had been getting these kind of chest pains and I was seriously starting to worry that i might just keel over... i guess it was just too much pressure around my chest. That's where the weight has gone from first I think. I certainly feel a difference anway. I feel more in control. I am not as out of control because that is how it felt. I couldn't control myself around food, if I didn't have any I would think up stupid excuses to go out and buy some, not some, loads. So I would rather be struggling like this in refusing myself the easy way out by bingeing. The alternative is too fearful. Do I never eat chocolate again? Never have sweet stuff I love again for fear that I lose all control? Only time will tell I guess. For now I am really trying not to think about the other end of this. I just want the weight off first.

Last time I loved the re-introduction of food part. I loved having a plain chicken breast even, it tasted amazing. I was so aware of all the rubbish they put into foods and could smell the nasties in 'junk food' for example. Sounds daft I know, but I could smell the oversweetness, etc. I want to try and get to the stage where food is fuel. Full stop.

What else is good? My clothes are getting looser. I feel more energetic already. I have more interest in things that are going on. I'm starting to, well, slowly slowly, feeling a bit more confident. But it's like as soon as I allow myself to feel that way and enjoy it, I regret and want to sink back into myself again. But suppose it is progress. When you hear about the 'fat people' it's all "jolly fat person" etc. Well that might be true on the outside, but a lot of turmoil and hurt goes on in the inside. I would almost say paranoia plays a huge part because to use me as an example here i can be talking to someone and be thinking all the time that the other person is thinking how "fat"/"disgusting"/"ugly"/"stupid" - take your pick, that I am. Doesn't matter who I'm talking to really, I like to jump in there and say the worst things to myself internally so that if they say anything it's not as bad. But that's a load of rubbish. It's worse. Not that that ever happens though... i just think it would happen. Oh dear..!!

The thing is, I can give the kind of advice to other people that I am trying to tell myself. But I pay no heed to it. I feel I am not worth anything and one day I will be found out and lose everything I have... now I know that's not true and rational thinking would tell me I'm being well and truly ridiculous. But that is my ever underling thinking. No matter what anyone tries to tell me i don't believe it, yes it sounds nice and yes i want to believe it but for whatever reason, my default setting if you like, is to feel unworthy, surplus to requirements and annoying/in the way.

I am trying so hard to stop all the automatic thoughts, it's just a hard thing to do. But I am beginning to recognise these as automatic thoughts which must be progress of some sort at least.

Anyways, must get on so will report back to tell of my loss tonight and see what other nonsense pours out of my fingers, lol!

I am still around!!

What a past couple of weeks. People talk about a roller coaster of emotions. Yup I guess I fit into that category very well. So much so I annoy myself.

I went to see my lovely lady on Friday and told her all my fears. Maybe I should contact my dad and brother, as it would make my sister feel better about things. But as I uttered those words out loud, I became quite scared by the prospect. So decision made - not a good idea. Compounded by the fact that my lady told me that I would have to weigh up the 'pay off'. It would only be negative as far as I'm concerned. I have tried so many times. At my grandfather's funeral, even at his own dad's funeral, my dad ignored me/looked straight through me. My brother spat at me. Then when my child was born, not interested. So with that out loud and no longer swirming around my head, I would say that the 'pay off' was not worth it. In the least. My wee sis will need to cope with the way things are. As we all have to. Families can be complicated. It is true what they say, you cannot choose your family. I am just deeply saddened and embaressed that things worked out this way. I am not however prepared to apologise for something that needs no apology. TO succumb and tell them they were in the right and I am the 'baddie' in this situation. Nope. Never going to happen. I actually value myself too much for that.

So that said, I was also upset thinking that I only love the love of my life because he was the only male to ever love me. What if I don't actually love him? Of course that's a load of twaddle. I love him more than anything in the world.

I also said that I felt I was being so self involved / self indulgent. However, my lady told me she would not stand for such things. So I guess that tells me that I do have a problem (duh!) and am not being self-indulgent and also that my 'issues' are solvable, or at least worth looking into to try and change.

I still want to slap myself silly to get back to being a normal human being but I guess we are all screwed up in some way, shape or form.

Diet wise things are getting on track. Some straight days of abstinence. Not 100% perfect, the few extra packs but nothing totally off course. It is totally in my head. I tell myself I'm constantly hungry, need to eat, need something. But what does that something do? Numbs the pain, but what pain and why? What are these feelings I'm trying to numb? And why? Yes a lot of it stems back to how I was brought up but I don't buy that. I am me. I am nothing like my brother yet surley we were brought up the same.

I am a coper. Usually really well. From around 10 I always remember being the grown up. "Wise head on young shoulders" are the words I remember from childhood. I tried rebelling, of course I did. Hated smoking though, didn't like causing a fuss and felt guilty if I was too naughty. So not much good at rebelling I guess. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a wife and mother and have a responsible job, maybe the only way I can rebel is to overeat... yeah... go figure.

I want to wave a magic wand and for this process to be over. But doesn't everyone. THere is no magic wand. Only hard work. No pain no gain has never been more accurate. I know I need to work hard. For myself. Love myself (blergh) and be kind to myself and believe in myself, coupled with following my diet and exercising. Ergo the whole I'm beign so self indulgent thoughts. But no. This matters and I matter. Hence the blergh comment as even thinking this seems so trite, let alone acually writing it and putting it out there.

Perseverance and distraction are obviously going to be on my radar.

Was my birthday, it was lovely, really good. Trying to enjoy things even though I'm not happy with my weight. Putting my life on hold again until I am is not a good idea. That didn't work too well for me last time... so mission possible is living my life now the way I intend to when I am slim. Obviously there will be some exceptions to this, such as running/swimming/car racing, etc. however, I will be doing 'normal' things, going to the cinema/heatre, going on days out and trying to go out with friends more.

4 weeks until I see my lady again... can I cope... I certainly hope!!

Actually I've decided that only positive thoughts and words shall do. I shall try (sorry slip up already) WILL do this and decide the rest of my actions with my best interests at heart. No more covering everything up and hiding from everything and everyone and covering it up with food and unnatural desire for mega pig outs(!!!!!)

At my class (weight class) I expressed some of my thoughts about myself, i.e. I hate myself, I'm so disgusting, etc. bloody hell, it's a wonder they didn't chuck me out for being so negative!!! Anyways, they all said how much they like me and what a nice person I am. I have such a hard time believing that though. Embarassing to hear.

A nice development has been that I have gotten a lot closer to a work colleague who I have actually confided in and can be the real me with. No barriers and can actually say how I feel quite easily. That's a first for me. Can't even speak like that to my mum (well no wonder, huh!) Hubbie yes and sister kind of. But this is a really nice thing. I guess because they've been around for quite a number of years and over the last year we have had more interaction. They were there for me during a tough time at work and I felt able to open up at that time and things have just blossomed from there. It's really refreshing to be able to have an honest and open relationship like this with someone other than my hubbie. Obviously not quite as open(!) but a really nice development. Best make sure it's not too one sided though, I'm used to being the listener, not the unburdening one... so strange, but strange good.

Don't think there's anything else to get out of my system just now. Will try to blog more regularly and stop bottling things up again.

Here goes nothing!