Oh dear..

So here I go again. Learning the same old lesson again. Well no, obviously not learning anything really. I've been away down at the outlaws (in-laws) for a few days. We're leaving tomorrow... I had prepared myself in the way of LL that I could do my packs and have salad, meat and maybe an ickle bit of the liquid vino... however, in reality at the first service station we stopped at I bought some chocolate... not really starting off on the best foot eh?!

Then we had a chinease. Yummy scrummy in my (big huge) tummy :-( . But I did enjoy it. Just felt really bloated and yuck afterwards. Again, shall I never learn? So from then on it's been salads all the way for me. Pasta salad and prawn for lunches and salad and smoked haddock/chicken for dindins. Redeeming myself slightly.

I am desperate to get back into my LL packs. I didn't actually bring any with me which was probably my downfall... So anyway I am actually looking forward to getting home, starting back on the packs and drinking lots of water and packs.

Exercise too. I am craving the exercise. I really am. I want to go out for walks. I want to move I want to burn some fat really I suppose. So back to Curves I shall be going back to with a vengence. I haven't been for about a year. Back around 2 years ago I was so into exercise I was practically addicted. I want to get back into that. i felt ace. Slim, flexible and full of energy. So back to those days I must go. Finally perhaps starting to get it through my thick skull that eating myself into oblivian is never going to help me achieve that goal.

Also I have made a concerted effort not to feel self conscious, whih is extremely hard. However, my latest brain wave is attempt to be accepted / realise I'm accepted as me. Huge, fat (oh i hate that word) or whatever. Is it really only me who thinks all that about myself? Sometimes i start to think it is. But then I see a look or think I hear a far off comment and plummet to the lows of self hatred once again. The belljar. I must try to live in the belljar again and not let negative comments or anything get to me. Easier said than done of course though.

Take just now we are sitting around chatting and watching Strictly Come Dancing (I'm being slightly antisocial by being on here but hey ho!) I feel pure massive. i'm not really lightest I've been probably this year but where I've been eating 'normal' food the past few days my tummy has expanded, well bloated a bit... I'm having some vino and enjoying the family and chat. It's lovely. Once upon a time I never ever felt this way. Even when I was a skinny I never felt 100% comfortable. So I guess it's never about your size, but about the way you feel about yourself. Self esteem. Why do I have to wait such a long time until I get this way of thinking? HOWEVER(!) only when I'm thinking like this do I think that... once in a blue mooon in otherwords lol.

Been 'good' today. Had breakfast, no snacks and then a nice healthy lunch. Having smoked haddock and salad with new potatoes tonight so that's all in the healthy range I would have thought. However, I have been snacking a little when some other people were around so it's a total if I feel uncomfortable in any way I reach for comfort in the form of chocolate/cakes/sweet foods. Dumb ass thing though eh, after all this time. Anyways best log off and drink some more of the red wine, mmmmm!

Back on the LL wagon when I'm home and exercise aplenty too :-) Next post should include some tales of that!