Distraction

I've got to this stage in the day without going off course, but it has been very tough. My poor wee house has never been scrubbed so much in it's life.. the bahtroom, the bedrooms and I've had a clear out of loads of things that we don't need or use anymore. It's been so hard though..

I started the day with a vanilla shake, then soon after had a bar... I felt hungry and hard done by. I got really grumpy, nothing was good enough and everything my hubbie said was annoying me and so i disappeared upstairs to do somewhat of a spring clean. I was crying I was angry I was a wreck, quite funny to think about it now, but at the time it wasn't so funny!! I came back down after about 2 hours and had a double porrige for lunch - thus using up all of my pack allowance for the day.. However, I felt immediately satisfied and then went up and finished off what I was doing without any outbursts!! My darling hubbie had done the ironing whilst I was upstairs, full of surprises that one, but great!

So I started sorting out some clothes too. I have some really nice clothes to slim into! I had forgotten that I had gone on somewhat of a spending spree when I hit a size 12 and got lots of clothes!! However, that is a while off yet, they can stay looking pretty and i'll be ready for them in time enough. Just now my aim is to get into a size 18. I hadn't got rid of the size 18s I had from last time and there was also a new pair of jeans in that size too in my wardrobe. They are lovely and i am setting them as my first clothes goal. It may take me a bit of time to get there but in maybe 6 weeks or so maybe that goal will be realised.

But this is mentally draining. Physically I feel lots better, i guess i am mentally too given the change i am making and already benefiting from it in this short time.

But it shocked me just how flaked out i was this morning over nothing really, well the change becoming a reality sinking in i suppose. I was so angry, angry at myself for letting myself get this way, angry and grumpy and tearful and throwing a major wobbly tantrum at myself and anyone around me. Damn that rebellious child side of me!

I am doubting myself and that's not good. I feel like I want to run away from myself, get away from my own thoughts for a while and just tune out reality for a bit. I've felt like this before, the need to morph out of my own body to get myself together. It's so far aware, will I ever get there? It took me 9 months last time. 9 months. That seems both like eternity and just a blink of an eye.

I saw some friends recently that I haven't seen in a long time. A big part of that was because I didn't want them to see that i had regained the weight. I felt embarressed and scared of their reaction. The thing is, weight is no private turmoil. Weight is right out there for everyone to see, there is no hiding it, even with the best support tights/sucky in pants, etc. it's all there. They treated me as normal, i was the one that brought it up and they said they weren't surprised given i was so unwell at the beginning of last year and that was an end to it. Sometimes our own worries are the worst as reality is different than what you think it is.

I am realising how much i was having, how often and the amounts involved. It's so weird, not constantly planning and living meal to meal, snack to snack. A relief still to be on this but i am scared of food. Scared to go back to it when i finish and get to my goal. I really need to sort myself out around food. When I go back to see my lovely lady in a few weeks, there will be a big difference from when she saw me last time. I am scared because she wanted to attempt the re-introduction of food before i got to my goal. Her thinking being that i should see if i can do it before loosing tons of weight, so taking it in chunks. But now that i'm actually in abstinence and making progress, that is scaring the bejesus out of me. I have the best of intentions but i so quickly descend into gluttony that it's frightening. I know that's what i'm working on with her and it may be realised.

I am not naive enough to think that being slim equals no problems, however, i am hopeful that it will allow me to deal with things more easily and take more pride in myself and not be such a walkover. I also know i can be slim. I was genuinely unsure that it was possible for me to be so. I know that sounds daft, but when you've been on the chubby side and then a lot overweight for most of your life that does give room for question. I remember trying to lose weight when i was younger. When i was about 12 i lost a fair bit and remember going on holiday with my friend and actually running and being good at it. However, i also remember not much changing at home. I would still be given sweets so i started to just keep them, not eat them. I had them in a box in my bedroom. I was so proud of myself for not having them, i went to show my mum and she immediately took them and started eating them(!) So i guess i decided there wasn't much point in that. But on the flipside i recall mum going on about my weight a fair bit, starting exercise classes and things like Rosemary Conley. But she never stuck at long, hence i didn't. My brother was embarresed to be seen with me and i think my dad was too. I became pretty much a hermit, i would stay in my room all the time, listening to music, singing away and pretending my life was completely different. Constantly. Living in fantasy. Drowning out everything else that was going on.

When my sister was born it was great, I loved her immediately. I never understood the jealousy thing with siblings fully. I was 8 when she was born. By the time I was 12, I took her everywhere with me, if i was going out to the park mum wanted me to take her with me. When friends came to stay over she would be there too. We have always been really close. That is why i am so protective of her and why she will always come to me for advice or help. I wouldn't have it any other way. She was 11 when mum and dad split. First off it was pretty amicable. Do you know what, i'm not doing this now, i'll get it out soon enough.

Feeling a bit better already for getting this out of my system.