What a past couple of weeks. People talk about a roller coaster of emotions. Yup I guess I fit into that category very well. So much so I annoy myself.
I went to see my lovely lady on Friday and told her all my fears. Maybe I should contact my dad and brother, as it would make my sister feel better about things. But as I uttered those words out loud, I became quite scared by the prospect. So decision made - not a good idea. Compounded by the fact that my lady told me that I would have to weigh up the 'pay off'. It would only be negative as far as I'm concerned. I have tried so many times. At my grandfather's funeral, even at his own dad's funeral, my dad ignored me/looked straight through me. My brother spat at me. Then when my child was born, not interested. So with that out loud and no longer swirming around my head, I would say that the 'pay off' was not worth it. In the least. My wee sis will need to cope with the way things are. As we all have to. Families can be complicated. It is true what they say, you cannot choose your family. I am just deeply saddened and embaressed that things worked out this way. I am not however prepared to apologise for something that needs no apology. TO succumb and tell them they were in the right and I am the 'baddie' in this situation. Nope. Never going to happen. I actually value myself too much for that.
So that said, I was also upset thinking that I only love the love of my life because he was the only male to ever love me. What if I don't actually love him? Of course that's a load of twaddle. I love him more than anything in the world.
I also said that I felt I was being so self involved / self indulgent. However, my lady told me she would not stand for such things. So I guess that tells me that I do have a problem (duh!) and am not being self-indulgent and also that my 'issues' are solvable, or at least worth looking into to try and change.
I still want to slap myself silly to get back to being a normal human being but I guess we are all screwed up in some way, shape or form.
Diet wise things are getting on track. Some straight days of abstinence. Not 100% perfect, the few extra packs but nothing totally off course. It is totally in my head. I tell myself I'm constantly hungry, need to eat, need something. But what does that something do? Numbs the pain, but what pain and why? What are these feelings I'm trying to numb? And why? Yes a lot of it stems back to how I was brought up but I don't buy that. I am me. I am nothing like my brother yet surley we were brought up the same.
I am a coper. Usually really well. From around 10 I always remember being the grown up. "Wise head on young shoulders" are the words I remember from childhood. I tried rebelling, of course I did. Hated smoking though, didn't like causing a fuss and felt guilty if I was too naughty. So not much good at rebelling I guess. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a wife and mother and have a responsible job, maybe the only way I can rebel is to overeat... yeah... go figure.
I want to wave a magic wand and for this process to be over. But doesn't everyone. THere is no magic wand. Only hard work. No pain no gain has never been more accurate. I know I need to work hard. For myself. Love myself (blergh) and be kind to myself and believe in myself, coupled with following my diet and exercising. Ergo the whole I'm beign so self indulgent thoughts. But no. This matters and I matter. Hence the blergh comment as even thinking this seems so trite, let alone acually writing it and putting it out there.
Perseverance and distraction are obviously going to be on my radar.
Was my birthday, it was lovely, really good. Trying to enjoy things even though I'm not happy with my weight. Putting my life on hold again until I am is not a good idea. That didn't work too well for me last time... so mission possible is living my life now the way I intend to when I am slim. Obviously there will be some exceptions to this, such as running/swimming/car racing, etc. however, I will be doing 'normal' things, going to the cinema/heatre, going on days out and trying to go out with friends more.
4 weeks until I see my lady again... can I cope... I certainly hope!!
Actually I've decided that only positive thoughts and words shall do. I shall try (sorry slip up already) WILL do this and decide the rest of my actions with my best interests at heart. No more covering everything up and hiding from everything and everyone and covering it up with food and unnatural desire for mega pig outs(!!!!!)
At my class (weight class) I expressed some of my thoughts about myself, i.e. I hate myself, I'm so disgusting, etc. bloody hell, it's a wonder they didn't chuck me out for being so negative!!! Anyways, they all said how much they like me and what a nice person I am. I have such a hard time believing that though. Embarassing to hear.
A nice development has been that I have gotten a lot closer to a work colleague who I have actually confided in and can be the real me with. No barriers and can actually say how I feel quite easily. That's a first for me. Can't even speak like that to my mum (well no wonder, huh!) Hubbie yes and sister kind of. But this is a really nice thing. I guess because they've been around for quite a number of years and over the last year we have had more interaction. They were there for me during a tough time at work and I felt able to open up at that time and things have just blossomed from there. It's really refreshing to be able to have an honest and open relationship like this with someone other than my hubbie. Obviously not quite as open(!) but a really nice development. Best make sure it's not too one sided though, I'm used to being the listener, not the unburdening one... so strange, but strange good.
Don't think there's anything else to get out of my system just now. Will try to blog more regularly and stop bottling things up again.
Here goes nothing!
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